Is my hate justified?

Mrs_Arcanum

Whenever on person behaves like a bully they want the other person to play the victim. Conversely of they behave like a victim they are trying to make you behave like a bully. In either situation behave like an Adult and the situation diffuses.

the_cat

Hagar_uk wrote: »

, I tried that and worked to the point that we started getting friendly again, she started talking about more kids, and her ex made efforts to get closer, and drawbridge came up again.

This comment makes me think that you still want a relationship with your ex and that your feelings of 'hate' are more likely jealousy. Whilst it is understandable, imo it is not as you ask 'justified' to hate this person. The only person whom you should feel anger and resentment to is the person who cheated on you (ie your ex g/f) Unless you feel your child is being mistreated of course, which is an entirely different issue

I may be off the mark but your talk of more kids horrifies me. If your relationship with this woman is this unstable, more kids is the very last thing either of you should consider

gratefulforhelp_2

Hagar_uk wrote: »

If the son was not in the picture I would have never seen my ex again, which would made things easier to forget.

Many of us feel that way

willow_loulou

Oh Hager_uk I completely understand how you feel (((hugs))) I cannot begin to explain how awful my ex's partner is, the lies that she has told mutual friends, the venom she shows to my DS and the way she speaks about me infront of my DD who she seemingly adores. I loathe her with every fibre of my being. It built up over years until my DS refused to visit his dad anymore. He told me all the dreadful things she said and the way she treated him but he had not said because of the front I had put up about accepting her which I thought was best for the children. We had a huge heart to heart, I was honest about how I really felt and the burden lifted. It still hurts me when my DD wants to do something with her but I let it go now. My advice is talk about it with someone, actually say it aloud and you will see what is real and what is an natural reaction to your anger for having to share your child with some one you distrust.
it gets better, I promise xx Takes a while but it does xx

willow_loulou

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Many of us feel that way

Ohhhh Yes

skintchick

I'm afraid I have done that annoying thing of not reading the replies, but I think that hate is such a wasted emotion. The only person you hurt by hating is yourself - the object of your hate neither knows nor cares.

I think you should try and find forgiveness for them both, and perhaps work over your emotions to do with the breakup as it sounds like you're not entirely over all that happened.

You might say it's easy for me to say to stop hating, but I have forgiven my friend's murderer and the man who raped me, so I know both how hard it is and how releasing it is. Don't let hate take up any more of your life. It's fine to be cross about what happened, but actual hate requires so much energy that you could be directing elsewhere.

Hagar_uk

I would be upfront and say I would like maybe in the future for us to date again and be a family again, its not just one way, but now is not the time. I feel jealousy as well a bit. The anger stems from me encouraging them to be friends, and her knowingly persuing my ex GF
even though I was around and so was our child. she knew it had the chance to break up a family. I since heard she was doing more and more to be a part of my sons life, that in the end my ex GF put the brakes on it. Maybe its just me but in that situation I would back off and try and retain a friendship than break a family.

As for kids, she wanted me to be a donor, and asking if I was in a new relationship would I mind still having sex with her to get a her pregnant...Needless to say having kids like that is non starter for me. I feel bad enough for my son having split from his mum, not going to bring another child without a realtime dad

the_cat wrote: »

This comment makes me think that you still want a relationship with your ex and that your feelings of 'hate' are more likely jealousy. Whilst it is understandable, imo it is not as you ask 'justified' to hate this person. The only person whom you should feel anger and resentment to is the person who cheated on you (ie your ex g/f) Unless you feel your child is being mistreated of course, which is an entirely different issue

I may be off the mark but your talk of more kids horrifies me. If your relationship with this woman is this unstable, more kids is the very last thing either of you should consider

Hagar_uk

Hate is an absolute waste of emotional feeling agreed, but how do u forgive, if this person was sorry, or if the relationship had been serious, it might be a different matter, my ex I forgave, maybe i am offloading some of my anger of my GF onto his other women

skintchick wrote: »

I'm afraid I have done that annoying thing of not reading the replies, but I think that hate is such a wasted emotion. The only person you hurt by hating is yourself - the object of your hate neither knows nor cares.

I think you should try and find forgiveness for them both, and perhaps work over your emotions to do with the breakup as it sounds like you're not entirely over all that happened.

You might say it's easy for me to say to stop hating, but I have forgiven my friend's murderer and the man who raped me, so I know both how hard it is and how releasing it is. Don't let hate take up any more of your life. It's fine to be cross about what happened, but actual hate requires so much energy that you could be directing elsewhere.

skintchick

Hagar_uk wrote: »

Hate is an absolute waste of emotional feeling agreed, but how do u forgive, if this person was sorry, or if the relationship had been serious, it might be a different matter, my ex I forgave, maybe i am offloading some of my anger of my GF onto his other women

It doesn't matter if the person is sorry (I know my rapist isn't), you have to make a conscious decision to forgive the person for the hurt you feel, and to move on. It helps to say it out loud. With my rapist, I managed it first time, once I'd worked through the issues, but with my friend's murderer it took me years to manage it. And even then I didn't feel it, but making the decision and saying it out loud helped me work towards feeling it. And years later, I realised that I HAD forgiven him, and it was very very freeing.

I think you probably are channelling all your anger at this woman. Would a bit of counselling help? The Samaritans are quite helpful, I have found, and you can talk to them without worrying about what they think of how you feel, which is helpful when working through difficult emotions.

coolcait

Hagar_uk wrote: »

I am holding a lot of hate towards someone which is not doing me good.

That's what you have to deal with.

You have had a lot of very helpful advice on how to sort out the practical relationship issues which - in your view - are the reason/excuse for the hate.

It's up to you how much of that advice you take on board, and try to use.

You already recognise that holding onto the hate isn't doing you any good. Only you can choose to let go of it.