Is my hate justified?

Hagar_uk

Needing to know if I am just being too sensitive or normal. but I am holding a lot of hate towards someone which is not doing me good.

I was in a 2 year relationship, where my GF at the time had a son, our relationship was having issue because I was working away, and my GF started becoming friendly again with her ex girlfriend, who her self was in a long term relationship, it is her I have issues with

I found out while I was working, and while I was looking after baby to give GF a break that they were up to no good. We split up fairly amicably at the time of the break, given free access to son when I understood her Ex had given distance to save her own relationship, but then they are suddenly just friends, (in private still carrying on) with my ex being the bit of the side) All of a sudden access to my son is reduced, and she is always around my son. doing things I can no longer do like bathe him before he goes to bed etc

My Ex thinks I should just get over it and I am daft, , but I have the red mist come down, when ever I think of her, espeically around my son. I hate the fact that when she was carrying on, she had no respect for me , or my son,or her own partner. and now my son is in the middle of a weird love triangle

So am I daft, should I live and let live..if so how?

Kay_Peel

I would hate my ex's new partner if I found out that he or she was being cruel to my child. I don't think I could hate someone who delighted in being around the child - and it sounds to me as though this g/f is harmless.

I can understand how you feel - I've been there. I had an irrational hatred for my ex's new partner. I resented every moment that they spent with her, every holiday that they went on together and their sheer enjoyment at being in her company. I got the day-to-day drudgery (as well as the wonderful times) of being a lone parent - and the new couple seemed to have all the best bits. That changed when I had a word with myself - and recognised how fortunate I was that she loved them. They benefitted from her kindness and I'm eternally grateful to her.

My husbands relationship with that g/f ended and he took up with a right b**** who didn't want children about - and let them know it. She was horrible to them and the memories have stayed with them into adulthood. Contact with their father lessened and they will never forgive him for those times.

I think you need to believe your ex when she says that they are just friends now or that she's just the 'bit on the side'.:o
It doesn't sound to me as though the relationship is long-term or serious. Believe me - you are central to that little boy's life and you are going to become even more important in the coming years. You are there forever, no matter what, and this woman isn't. Put your present state of mind down to the separation from your child and the loneliness of the absent parent - it gets better though.

If I can give you one little piece of advice, it would be to hide your resentment. Be glad that your boy is well cared for and loved when you're not there. His happiness, his welfare and health are the important things.

Try to see the positives and put it into perspective - I know that it's easily said and hard to do in your present frame of mind, so best wishes to you.

Hagar_uk

Thanks for the kind words, I am still awake at 3am worrying about when I pick my son up tomorrow and drop him off that she will be there and I may say something I regret, I don;t think it is the fact she is possibly the new partner its the, actions she did when I was still with my ex which anger me, and the influence she seems to flexing. Things between me and my Ex are by no means a shut case still hope of reconcilation, but things just get messy when she is around.

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I would hate my ex's new partner if I found out that he or she was being cruel to my child. I don't think I could hate someone who delighted in being around the child - and it sounds to me as though this g/f is harmless.

I can understand how you feel - I've been there. I had an irrational hatred for my ex's new partner. I resented every moment that they spent with her, every holiday that they went on together and their sheer enjoyment at being in her company. I got the day-to-day drudgery (as well as the wonderful times) of being a lone parent - and the new couple seemed to have all the best bits. That changed when I had a word with myself - and recognised how fortunate I was that she loved them. They benefitted from her kindness and I'm eternally grateful to her.

My husbands relationship with that g/f ended and he took up with a right b**** who didn't want children about - and let them know it. She was horrible to them and the memories have stayed with them into adulthood. Contact with their father lessened and they will never forgive him for those times.

I think you need to believe your ex when she says that they are just friends now or that she's just the 'bit on the side'.:o
It doesn't sound to me as though the relationship is long-term or serious. Believe me - you are central to that little boy's life and you are going to become even more important in the coming years. You are there forever, no matter what, and this woman isn't. Put your present state of mind down to the separation from your child and the loneliness of the absent parent - it gets better though.

If I can give you one little piece of advice, it would be to hide your resentment. Be glad that your boy is well cared for and loved when you're not there. His happiness, his welfare and health are the important things.

Try to see the positives and put it into perspective - I know that it's easily said and hard to do in your present frame of mind, so best wishes to you.

podperson

You have very right to be annoyed at both your ex and this other woman but I would say for the sake of keeping things civil for your son you may just need to bite your tongue on it. The only thing I would perhaps mention to your ex is that since she's told you it isn't a serious relationship with this woman then you're a little worried about her spending a lot of time with your son as it may be confusing for him if he gets close to her and then she disappears (doesn't sound particularly reliable if she's seeing two people that you know of).
The thing that would worry me more would be that you say since she's been around more then there have been issues with access to your son. Do you have anything offical in place for this or is is it just something agreed with your ex. Maybe look at getting some legal advice on having something official put in place.

princessdreamer

My husbands GF is vile to me and to the children so in a way I am lucky as neither she or the children want to be around each other. If I had to let her be around my children it would break my heart as she only uses them to upset me or with husband to try to get money out of me. The whole situation is hard on anyone, in an ideal world everyone would get on but trust me I've tried. The best thing you can do is try to forget about what she is up to.

yvonne13_2

Good on you for being there for your son, most people would use this as an excuse to drop all responsibilities.

Try and focus on your child he is the priority here, the word hate is a very strong word so perhaps you could reduce it to can't stand or don't like her with a passion. Try not giving this person any more of your energy use it on on your child

gratefulforhelp_2

While I understand the root of the emotion, I worry that allowing yourself to feel this way will eventually damage you, more than the target.

Hagar_uk

It is all very odd, i did try to bring up the weird issue as it worried me my son would be in the middle of it was told its none of your business who I am ^%$ing, which is true. But as her two closest friends are her Ex and he Ex's partner its going to get messy I really resent that she has greater access in some regards than me

My ex is actually a quite a nice person on the whole, but is very defensive and canot accept any viewpoint than her own.

We have had good and bad weeks, we had a run when we would do things togeher, including our childs 1st birthday party, i stayed over to babysit her neices, then all of a sudden her ex is back as a friend, and having to hand baby at the door, as she feel vunerable when I am in the house (nothing had changed since we were like oldfriends the week before)l

There is nothing offical in place, but as I get 1.5/2 days a week, scared that I would get less if it went to court and a big bill

podperson wrote: »

You have very right to be annoyed at both your ex and this other woman but I would say for the sake of keeping things civil for your son you may just need to bite your tongue on it. The only thing I would perhaps mention to your ex is that since she's told you it isn't a serious relationship with this woman then you're a little worried about her spending a lot of time with your son as it may be confusing for him if he gets close to her and then she disappears (doesn't sound particularly reliable if she's seeing two people that you know of).
The thing that would worry me more would be that you say since she's been around more then there have been issues with access to your son. Do you have anything offical in place for this or is is it just something agreed with your ex. Maybe look at getting some legal advice on having something official put in place.

Hagar_uk

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

While I understand the root of the emotion, I worry that allowing yourself to feel this way will eventually damage you, more than the target.

I know its not good, its making me not sleep, I wake up first thing angry about it, and it sits in my mind all day. If I know i will see her , my pulse is racing all day and I feel sick, its not good

If the son was not in the picture I would have never seen my ex again, which would made things easier to forget.

Kay_Peel

Are you sure that you have less access to your son because of the friend's influence? I think it is more likely that your ex just doesn't want a jealous, bitter ex calling as often. She may even dread having to see you because you're so needy,negative and judgemental. Her friendships are her business (unless the child's welfare is at risk) so it's even more important that you don't voice your opinion about her life let alone show barely concealed bitterness towards the third party. I'm not criticising you, by the way, I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes.

Try this when you next go to her home to pick up your son: determine to be cheerful and positive, determine to stay only for the time it takes to get the child ready. Compliment her on how great your son is looking and don't sit down or have a cup of tea. (Keep looking at your watch!) Take your child with a big smile, walk out the door and don't look back. In other words, keep it short and don't get into conversations about things that will upset you. Leave her with a positive image of a dad, 100% committed to her son, supportive and at peace with himself. That image will be far more attractive to her than anything else. Try it.

Hagar_uk

I am cheerfull on pickups and drop offs, I have no inclination to talk about her relationshios, I know her friend was pushing to try and limit my access by going legal, which neither me nor my ex wanted
Her friendhsips are her business, and to be honest i do not want to know,and never talk about

The whole ignoring it, keepig cool does work to some degree, I tried that and worked to the point that we started getting friendly again, she started talking about more kids, and her ex made efforts to get closer, and drawbridge came up again.

Kay_Peel wrote: »

Are you sure that you have less access to your son because of the friend's influence? I think it is more likely that your ex just doesn't want a jealous, bitter ex calling as often. She may even dread having to see you because you're so needy,negative and judgemental. Her friendships are her business (unless the child's welfare is at risk) so it's even more important that you don't voice your opinion about her life let alone show barely concealed bitterness towards the third party. I'm not criticising you, by the way, I'm just trying to put myself in her shoes.

Try this when you next go to her home to pick up your son: determine to be cheerful and positive, determine to stay only for the time it takes to get the child ready. Compliment her on how great your son is looking and don't sit down or have a cup of tea. (Keep looking at your watch!) Take your child with a big smile, walk out the door and don't look back. In other words, keep it short and don't get into conversations about things that will upset you. Leave her with a positive image of a dad, 100% committed to her son, supportive and at peace with himself. That image will be far more attractive to her than anything else. Try it.