To give us a smile

hethmar

Oh gawd, Ive had that Deep, when I end up - if I want to lay on my back - with one leg either side of the dogs - its not comfortable or an attractive sight Im sure, but 2.5 legged dog has the nerve to growl if I accidentally touch him.

Owain_Moneysaver

antw23uk wrote: »

We only have the two cats but bedrooms are off limits to them 99% of the time, especially at night :beer:

We tried that.

Lasted about 2 hours.

Deep_In_Debt

hethmar wrote: »

Oh gawd, Ive had that Deep, when I end up - if I want to lay on my back - with one leg either side of the dogs - its not comfortable or an attractive sight Im sure, but 2.5 legged dog has the nerve to growl if I accidentally touch him.

Yep, I know that position too...it's not elegant! No wonder I wake up with a stiff back every morning!

If I try and shut her out she yowls all night and rips the carpet up so I get no sleep, so I'd rather get some sleep and just accommodate her!

gettingready

Erm... try 6 cats and a dog and perhaps THEN you can complain

gettingready

Anyone recognises this?

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with

Bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh

Meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry

Nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly

Clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their

Feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since

It clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely

Made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

!!!!!!!s!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I

Was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.

However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard

That my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must

Learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of

My tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must

Try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and

Snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly

Released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is

Obviously !!!!!!.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating

With the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every

Move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an

Elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

The Cat!

gettingready

Cat Commandments

1. Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the puter.
2. Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
3. Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
4. Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
5. Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
6. Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or act as thou art not transparent.
7. Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in the house.
8. Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
9. Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
10. Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's lap region.
11. Thou shalt not re-set thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
12. Thou shalt not climb on the trash can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thy self.
13. Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
14. Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 3 a.m.
15. Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at every opportunity.
16. Thou shalt not trip thy human even if they walketh too slowly.
17. Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
18. Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

gettingready

Politically Correct Terms for Cat Owners

My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator.
My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist.
My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile", she enjoys the proximity of food.
My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (which should always be the food dish).

gettingready

Things Dogs Must Try To Remember....

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's license.

gettingready

How To Wash The Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG

gettingready

Why Cats are Better than Men

1. A cat always comes in SOBER after being out all night.

2. When a cat goes to the toilet she tries not to leave a trace.

3. You can put a bell around a cat's neck so you know exactly where she is.

4. If you stroke a cat she won't leap on you for sex.

5. You don't mind that much if a cat brings a bird home every night.

6. When a cat comes in at midnight it doesn't wake you up by smashing into the furniture.

7. Cats never pretend they know how to fix the video.

8. Cats don't care what size your boobs are.

9. Cats still love you even when your perm goes wrong.

10. Cats love rubbing up to your legs however much cellulite you have.

11. Cats can be neutered if they stray.

12. If a cat jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy her.

13. It's okay if a cat rubs up against your best friend.

14. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you.

15. You never have to spend time with your cat's mother.

16. Better chance of training a cat.

17. Cats are cute.

18. A cat is never late for dinner.

19. Cats love to see you come home from shopping with lots of bags!

20. You'll never get a call from you cat's ex-wife.

21. A cat would never leave you for a younger women.

22. Cats treat your mom with respect.

23. Cats don't worry about hair loss.

24. I feels nice to stroke a cats soft, fluffy fur.

25. A cat's friend is less likely to be annoying.

26. Cats can't show love without meaning it.

27. To buy a fancy dinner for a cat only costs 40p

28. Cats actually think with their heads.

29. Unlike a man, a cat can fend for itself.

30. It is legal in all states to neuter a cat.

31. Cats comfort you when you are sick.

32. When a cat sleeps all day it's natural, not annoying.