My sis is getting married - I can't go - I feel rubbish

lottee

Nicki wrote:

I appreciate that NZ is a very long way away and the flight will be, I guess about 23 hours. If the wedding was on a Saturday though, presumably you could leave on Thursday evening, arrive NZ Friday evening, attend the wedding on Saturday, leave on Sunday morning and be back in UK on Monday. You would only therefore lose 2 working days, which you could always make up by working over a weekend or later over weekdays for several weeks.

Great idea on paper, but you'd probably need about 2 weeks off after anyway - to get over the jetlag! lol (slight exaggeration about the 2 weeks!)

When they get back to the UK, & have had the baby, will they consider having a 'wedding party' for you & all the other family & friends that couldn't make the actual wedding? (Presuming they have a circle of friends here also.)Although I can understand it won't be the same for you, we did this when we got back from Oz after our wedding, & our guests (& us!!) had an absolute ball. In the end we didn't, but I did consider wearing my dress again, and my sister that couldn't make the trip to Oz wearing a bridesmaid dress. Like I said, I know it won't be the same, but just an idea.
You also say that they seem to be keeping things from you, do you think it could be because they are trying to protect your feelings?
As above, & from your sisters point of view, my little sis couldn't make my wedding, I found it really hard & TBH she was the only thing (person) that was missing from my day. My parents & I did toast a drink to her though, & I'm sure you won't be far from their thoughts if you can't make it in the end.

Chin up x

ifeelsad

Nicki wrote:

What's the minimum amount of time off you would need if you decided to attend. I appreciate that NZ is a very long way away and the flight will be, I guess about 23 hours. If the wedding was on a Saturday though, presumably you could leave on Thursday evening, arrive NZ Friday evening, attend the wedding on Saturday, leave on Sunday morning and be back in UK on Monday. You would only therefore lose 2 working days, which you could always make up by working over a weekend or later over weekdays for several weeks. I appreciate that travelling all this distance, you would ideally want to spend a decent length of time there, but if work will not permit the time off this could be a solution. I would be extremely surprised if your supervisor were to penalise you for a two day absence for a family occasion like this. You will of course be knackered for a while after such a long journey, but if you are absolutely determined to attend the wedding or feel miserable long term if you don't that could be a price worth paying.

I can see what you're saying and i know I'll lose time through lack of productivity if I'm this upset.

The wedding is a sunday. I've worked it out and I'd have to leave very early thursday morning to travel the 6 hours to heathrow to get there for 7 in the morning for the flight. This would get me to NZ on the saturday. There's a flight the next day but that is leaving it a bit late I feel. Then if I left on the monday I'd not get back until very late tuesday (well about 2am if I was lucky).

I think I'd need the rest of that week to recover. I think I'd be good for nothing during that time, I don't think my body could cope with work during that time. When I went before I felt awful for about 4 days after getting back.

This would equal 7 days off. I'm not sure I could do this. I had to take a few hours away from my work last semester to demonstrate to get extra money just to cover the mortgage. My supervisor let me do this on the understanding that I'd take no holiday this year. I am banking on getting some contingency money for when I overrun as we wont have money to pay the mortgage until we can find jobs and I know this will go straight out of the window if I go off halfway around the world again! Even if my parents pay the flights (and I'm not sure if they were expecting it to be £990 pp as they paid less than £600) there's still other costs and we are supposed to be poor students!

And we had a few emergencys recently (flood and claim on insurance over christmas and one of our pets needed numerous expensive vet trips and treatments and an operation) and at the moment literally we don't have enough for the coach to heathrow and back!

With regards to making up the time. Currently I often get to uni at 7 in the morning and leave at 11 at night to do a 16 hour experiment. I work a lot of weekends and we both need to work more if we're going to finish anytime before xmas (our money runs out in september). This is what is needed as well as not taking any holidays. So taking holidays is just going to push us back further. Last year I nearly quit my PhD because I was so worried about how we would manage financially when we overran. I felt useless as I had so much work to do and was so far behind. I was a nervous wreck like I am now and was getting nothing done. My supervisor was great then and really helped me. But I don't want to take a holiday and get myself back how I was last year because I'm worried again. The thought of me getting like that again, and not being able to cope with my PhD worries me as much as the thought of not going to the wedding. I have thought about just forgetting my PhD. It's so stressful anyway and then I could just go to the wedding. But I have come so far I can't give it all up now just so I can go on a holiday.

I will try calling her but it is so difficult. I can only phone on evenings for me and she's at work then. When she is home I'm at work and she has no internet atm. I am sure it is her way of involving me by asking me. But then in her next breath she doesn't want to involve me as it's too upsetting for us both. There's no consistency.

misty

I don't want to sound overly harsh although I'm sure it will. I think you need to get a grip (not sure how to word it any other way) This is one day in your sister's life albeit an important one - what's more important is your relationship with your sister for the rest of your lives. You mention you wanted to cut yourself as you were so upset - is this something you have felt like doing or have done before. If it was more than a passing thought, maybe a trip to your GP may be helpful.

I think it sounds a bit selfish to critisise your sister for getting pregnant before you have finished your PHD. I'm not surprised she hasn't said much about the wedding maybe she knew you would be upset and doesn't want to upset you more.

If you want to be part of it - why not get a webcam and keep in touch for the day. It's not ideal but your sister is your sister wherever she is and nothing can change that. Try and put things into perspective - it's hard but it's still a happy event not a tragedy.

Mics_chick

ifeelsad aftering reading this thread I'm left wondering whether your sister is hurting too because you can't be there - hence the inconsistency sometimes she feels sympathetic to your point of view and then she swings the other way. It seems to me that you're feeling a bit like this yourself so give your sister the benefit of the doubt as well.

I understand that you can't go because you've put so much into your PHD therefore it's really really important to you. In the same way your sister sees her wedding as something that will only happen once in her life and therefore it's a very important event to her. It's just bad timing.

You shouldn't get upset with her because she's come off the pill and fallen pregnant so quickly. She's not done it to spite you - believe me no-one would think that way cos it's impossible to plan it. Depending on what pill she was on and what her doctor told her it can take a good 6-12 months for the effects of the pill to wear off and she might have been thinking of this when they started trying. Someone I worked with years ago started trying about 18-24months before they wanted a 2nd baby because it had taken her about 12months to get pregnant with her 1st - the result was she got pregnant straightaway so she had a toddler and a newborn which was the last thing she wanted!!

Please talk to your sister and sort it out before it becomes a full-blown family feud and you're left wondering how it all happened...

Good luck MC

Janepig

I agree with Misty, I really think you need to get a handle on this and realise its not the end of the world. From what you said there seems to be a bit of background too with you saying that your parents favoured your sister (real or perceived) - that can cause alot of animosity. Also, just because you wouldn't have wanted to get married without your sister doesn't mean she has to feel the same.

It's only one day and only a piece of paper - it's not worth ruining your relationship with your family over. Please try and patch things up.

Jxx

Savvy_Sue

You sound as if you've been very stressed for a while now, and this uncontrollable crying could be a sign of depression. Before you burst into tears again, that doesn't make you a bad person, mentally unstable, or a nut case! It just means you sound to me a bit depressed. There's a long thread on the health board and a new shorter one, which might point you to some useful self-help resources. Or go to your GP.

But talk to your dad first. Sometimes all we need is a good listener.

ifeelsad

Hi all. Thanks for your help. I taked to my mom and dad last night for about 2 hours. I was very upset but they did make me feel a bit better. I discussed the option of going just for 3 days or so and they said straight away it was too much just for that short amount of time. This made me feel better as I did kinda feel like I should be trying to do something more to ensure I could go and I was feeling a bit guilty about that which made things worse.

I'm trying to be more positive and I am thinking a bit more sensibly now. At least she'll be living nearer to me now and I'll be able to see her (and my little nephew) a lot more. This is more important than being there for one day I know I just have to keep telling myself that (and thanks everyone here for telling me that too). The people who told me to get a grip - I don't think you were being harsh. That's what I kept telling myself but I don't listen to myself often enough.

I'm going to try to leave uni early tomorrow to look for something old and something new and I'll make a little package to send for her (I already have the borrowed and blue for her) and maybe that would be nice for her. Unfortunately not knowing anything about her dress/colour schemes or anything else makes it a bit harder for me but I'll try my best. I'm going to call her soon, tell her I'm upset (but not go into too much detail) and see if she will include me more as this is a big part of the problem.

I also thought about getting my hair and make-up done, putting OH in a suit and making a video for her to play on the day (I don't want to upset her too much though) do you think this is a good idea? Will it make her day happier or more sad cos I don't want her to be sad cos I do love her so much.

I have been stressed for a while. I got a stomach ulcer last year when I was having all the trouble with my PhD due to stress. And I do get over emotional about almost everything but I've always been like this. Well for the last 6 years or so anyway. I need to go to the doc soon about something unrelated so I might mention it and see what he says

I understand why my parents help my sister out more and they don't do it to upset me. It's because they see me often and feel guilty that they see her once every 2 years so think that they have to make up for that in some other way. I know that I've been much luckier than her to at least have my parents nearby and I know she'll need my support loads when they get here - her OH sounds a bit of a handful at times!

I'm trying to make plans for what we can do when they get here and trying not to think too much about the wedding. I'll just have to see how I feel when I have to go looking for things to buy for her tomorrow.

Thanks again
x

silvercar

Why not arrange a surprise wedding party for her in April. That way you can channel all the emotional energy you are currently expending into something positive.

Also make a tape/ DVD to be played at her wedding, you'll then be able to see it on her wedding video.

Janepig

I think making a tape sounds like a lovely idea. Weddings are always emotional and she'll probably be upset, but that's weddings for you. Perhaps your mum and dad could play it to her before the ceremony and she can then decide if she wants it played during the celebrations.

I'm glad you're thinking more positively about things.

Jxx

super41

This is not meant to be a criticism, but I think you are getting fixated on the wedding day and the upset you feel. Yes its an important day for your sister and family, but IMHO not as momentous as when your sister has her baby. As she'll be in the UK you'll be able to be a huge support to her when she really needs you.

Please don't go to NZ for a few days, it will cost a fortune and make you ill! I went for a 3 week holiday a few years ago and was absolutely exhausted after travelling there. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy a wedding.

Mention to your Dr about your feelings as it sounds like you are suffereing from stress, probably brought on by PhD and related issues - very tough.

Remember your sister's decisions have not been made to deliberately upset you, just sounds like things have taken her by surprise. Try to feel positive for her, and don't let this one event spoil your future relationship - focus on becoming an auntie!!