My sis is getting married - I can't go - I feel rubbish

ifeelsad

I'm sorry for a me me me type thread but I just need to get some stuff off my chest. Sorry for the length I know this will be.

My sister lives in NZ and has done for about 4 years or so. I always thought of her as my best friend and I felt honoured to have someone so special in my life even if she lived on the other side of the world. When I got married I wanted no-one apart from her as my bridesmaid. And one important cnsideration I had when I got married was that she would be able to come over for it. My nan paid for the ticket but we'd have put as much as we could towards it had she not been able to.

Since about september she was talking about getting married to her boyfriend. We discussed it at length and I said we'd be happy to go to NZ to her wedding as soon as we can get time off (which would be after myself and OH finish our PhDs), or if she wanted to come over here we'd give her the 2k that we wouldn't be spending on flights towards her costs (even though we're students and are struggling at the moment).

Then just before christmas she found out she was pregnant. Her and her boyfriend always said they want to be married before having kids (I think she should have considered this before coming off the pill and trying for a baby before being married) and so she decided she was getting married in february I have no idea when - I haven't been told the date. Then she is moving back to britain in april to have the baby and get support with the child from my parents.

In the first year of our PhDs we took 4 weeks off to go and visit her on the understanding with our supervisors that we'd have very few holidays until we finished. We had a week off in september and both decided that would be it until christmas this year as we knew how much work we'd have on. We are up to our eyeballs in work at the moment and are going to overrun anyway so having time off is just not a possibility.

But the last couple of days I've just been so upset. It started when I found out my sisters friend was being bridesmaid. My sister had said if I couldn't be bridesmaid she wouldn't have one. It's being a very low key event so she said not having one wouldn't matter. I know it's selfish but I can't stand the thought of her having a bridesmaid and it not being me. I spent all day yesterday and most of today crying non stop. My eyes are so puffy I look like i've been beaten up. I hardly slept last night and hence was late this morning. And when we missed the train I just burst out crying again. Yesterday I was preparing the veg for dinner and I just wanted to cut myself. I know I'm being selfish but I can't help feeling this way and don't know what to do.

My husband just doesn't know what to do either. He hates seeing me sad and he tries to cheer me up but nothing works. I'm sitting here crying now and everyone is wondering firstly why I'm so upset and secondly why I'm doing no work. But I don't want to go into the lab where everyone can see me crying my eyes out and be faced with all these questions.

My parents and my sister seem to be keeping things from me as well. I found out by accident she was having a bridesmaid and when I mentioned it to my mom she changed the subject very quickly and refused to discuss anything else about the wedding with me. I spoke to my mom before about my sister not keeping me informed and she said my sis didn't want to talk about the wedding as it upset her that i couldn't go. But she's quick enough to call and ask to borrow this that and the other for her wedding. She called a few days ago and asked if I could go and look at all the shops for some wedding shoes for her and post them out cos she didn't like the ones there. She got upsetwith me when I said I couldn't. It was only when she called and asked for me to do something that I discovered she'd picked her dress - it was white hence her needing white shoes. I know I wouldn't have been told this if she didn't want something from me. Now my mom keeps going out about when am I sending all the stuff I'm lending her and sending her my sisters brthday and wedding cards. I tried looking for cards and ended up in tears in the card shop and had to leave. And the way I feel at the moment I don't want to send her the stuff as I feel like that's all she sees me as good for. But if I don't do this soon its going to be too late to send everything.

I just don't know what to do. I know I'm being selfish so I don't need loads of people telling me this but I can't help how I feel.

gingin_2

Hi I feel sad, I can't make out from your post whether your sister initially asked you to officially be bridesmaid and you said you couldn't go based on your studies, or whether you weren't asked because she assumed you wouldn't be able to go?

Sorry if I have misread it and it is blazingly obvious

ifeelsad

Hi
I wasn't asked. Because (I assume) she knew I wouldn't be able to go. She hasn't even told me when the wedding is.

looneyleo

Oh bless ya... it must be reallu up-setting to be so distant from your sister's big day. I bet she is feeling equally upset about it too. Circumstances and not people have created this situation and you have got to try and remember that. It is not your fault that you have commitments with your study and your financial circumstances are the way they are. Equally it isn't your sisters fault that she is pregnant and would like to get married now. Either way...you will both be feeling very sad...I think the only thing to do is to try to get as involved as you can to help her make the most of her day... You should try to not read too much into your sisters actions and be as helpful as you can in sending her the items she has requested...at least then you have completed your duties as sister and have contributed in some way. try not to feel put out of place by the other bridesmaid...your sister does deserve some form of female support on her day doesn't she? Good luck and I hope everything settles down well in the future...remember you can always arrange a big party for when she comes home...and don't forget you are going to be an aunty soon and that will be far more of an important role for you to play to your sister and the baby than being a bridesmaid... all the best xxx

sarahlouise210

Would your studies suffer that much if you went - you could study in NZ if absolutely necessary!! I also cannot quite make out the problem - is the whole family going except you? If you could afford £2000 for her to come over here could you go on your own and leave your partner at home? Maybe the whole family could chip in a bit and you could pay them back? If she is coming back in April then she could have another wedding here - a blessing is just like a wedding - alternatively as a last resort you could set up a weblink.
It must be really upsetting for you - sometimes when we are really upset about things we can imagine things that are not there - are your family and your sister really keeping things from you or do you just feel that way as you are so emotional about the situation?? Talk to your sister and see if you cant compromise in some way - let her know you feel left out and that it means so much to you. ....and if you do end up going...dont tell anyone..just turn up as a surprise!!!! When your sister comes back in April you do not want any bad feeling - it will just be lovely to have her home again! ((((((hugs)))))

gingin_2

Okay

I can see how you would be hurt. Can you ask your mum directly why your sister hasn't asked you? It might be because she already knew you couldn't come and didn't want to put more pressure on you when you already said you couldn't come out by asking you again. Perhaps she is asking you for help with shoes and things because she wants you to be involved albeit from a distance?

I couldn't go to my brother's wedding in Australia last year and I got quite supersensitive about things. My only other advice would to prepare yourself for the day she gets married. It was a really wierd day for me knowing that my brother was getting married and all of my family were there and I wasn't on such a special occasion.

ifeelsad

Thanks for all your replies you're being really nice

looneyleo wrote:

Circumstances and not people have created this situation and you have got to try and remember that. It is not your fault that you have commitments with your study and your financial circumstances are the way they are. Equally it isn't your sisters fault that she is pregnant and would like to get married now.

But I can't help feeling that it is. She stopped taking the pill and was trying for a baby - all the problems with her having to get married now and not being able to wait 6 months are cos she's pregnant and she was trying for a baby.

sarahlouise210 wrote:

Would your studies suffer that much if you went - you could study in NZ if absolutely necessary!!

Everything I need to do is lab work and so couldn't do it in NZ. And I'm not allowed the time off - I don't have any holiday to take.

sarahlouise210 wrote:

I also cannot quite make out the problem - is the whole family going except you? If you could afford £2000 for her to come over here could you go on your own and leave your partner at home? Maybe the whole family could chip in a bit and you could pay them back?

My parents are going and that is it apart from one friend. Once we get jobs we should be ok financially so could have given her money no probs. As it stands we have the money but it's tied up but the money isn't an issue my parents said they pay the fares for us but it's irrelevant cos we cant get time off.

sarahlouise210 wrote:

Talk to your sister and see if you cant compromise in some way - let her know you feel left out and that it means so much to you. ....and if you do end up going...dont tell anyone..just turn up as a surprise!!!! When your sister comes back in April you do not want any bad feeling - it will just be lovely to have her home again! ((((((hugs)))))

Even when she comes home I wont see her very often as we're in a different city and very rarely get the chance to go home. I don't want there to be any bad feeling but I just feel like she can't care enough about me being there. I would not have got married full stop if she couldn't be there and I just keep thinking it must mean I care more about her than she does about me. And I'm sure that's not the case and OH tells me so but I can't change how I feel.

OH said if I'm that upset I should talk to her and I know I should. But what can she do? What would I expect her to do? I don't have a clue. After all she's getting married and I can't go there's no way around that (short of leaving my PhD which seems a bit extreme after 2 and a quarter years) I don't want to get her all upset when I suppose now there's nothing she can do to make me feel better.

Justie

one of my friends had a similar issue with her best mate who couldn't make her wedding - in the end they were both hurting and it took a long time to sort it out because neither could talk it before the wedding. Talk to your sister - tell her you're hurt and would do anything to be there but it's impossible and then work out ways you can be involved remotely - is it possible to set up a SKYPE link to some of the wedding or reception? Or can you make a DVD speech for her to play on the day etc etc. There are ways round it but you need to talk to each other before you get more hurt and feel even more left out.

As regards her asking a friend to be bridesmaid - don't hate her for it she's pregnant and embarking on one of the most important parts of her life she needs someone with her and if you can't be there then who better than a friend.

And as for her trying for a baby it's one of those things, it CAN take a long time to fall pregnant and if it does then medical intervention takes a while to see if there are problems so it's not surprising that the timing wasn't perfect - we started trying expecting it to take 6 months or more only to find out I'm pregnant already...

the baby is a positive thing as she'll be moving back to the UK because of it so you will get to see her more than you do now and once your phd is out of the way you may be able to move nearer.

ifeelsad

Justie wrote:

one of my friends had a similar issue with her best mate who couldn't make her wedding - in the end they were both hurting and it took a long time to sort it out because neither could talk it before the wedding. Talk to your sister - tell her you're hurt and would do anything to be there but it's impossible and then work out ways you can be involved remotely - is it possible to set up a SKYPE link to some of the wedding or reception? Or can you make a DVD speech for her to play on the day etc etc. There are ways round it but you need to talk to each other before you get more hurt and feel even more left out.

As regards her asking a friend to be bridesmaid - don't hate her for it she's pregnant and embarking on one of the most important parts of her life she needs someone with her and if you can't be there then who better than a friend.

And as for her trying for a baby it's one of those things, it CAN take a long time to fall pregnant and if it does then medical intervention takes a while to see if there are problems so it's not surprising that the timing wasn't perfect - we started trying expecting it to take 6 months or more only to find out I'm pregnant already...

the baby is a positive thing as she'll be moving back to the UK because of it so you will get to see her more than you do now and once your phd is out of the way you may be able to move nearer.

Congrats with the baby. I know she probably thought it would take longer for her to get pregnant but I just can't help feeling she should have thought it through and if being married before having kids was so vitally important not started trying until she was married.

With the baby though, I worried that I'll get to love him (I'm sure I will) and then they'll just be moving back again and we'll hardly ever see him. Because by that time I'll hopefully have kids of my own and dragging them half way round the world at such a young age isn't going to be easy. And expecting her to come back to visit - I think this is too much to ask for and she'll just expect us to keep going out there instead.

I am really trying not to think so selfishly. I think firstly I'll try speaking to my dad cos he's always a better listener than my mom or sister and see what he thinks. He obviously loves us both and maybe he can help although my parents always seem to give special treatment to my sister over me (I think they feel bad because they don't see her much compared to me) so I'll probably not get that much sympathy.

My husband also doesn't help in some ways. He said at the weekend 'you have to remember that your sister is an awfully selfish person'. And it did make me wonder if she's really as perfect as I've always thought she was.
She's changed so much since leaving the country that I wonder if I'd be her friend at all now if we weren't related.

Nicki

What's the minimum amount of time off you would need if you decided to attend. I appreciate that NZ is a very long way away and the flight will be, I guess about 23 hours. If the wedding was on a Saturday though, presumably you could leave on Thursday evening, arrive NZ Friday evening, attend the wedding on Saturday, leave on Sunday morning and be back in UK on Monday. You would only therefore lose 2 working days, which you could always make up by working over a weekend or later over weekdays for several weeks. I appreciate that travelling all this distance, you would ideally want to spend a decent length of time there, but if work will not permit the time off this could be a solution. I would be extremely surprised if your supervisor were to penalise you for a two day absence for a family occasion like this. You will of course be knackered for a while after such a long journey, but if you are absolutely determined to attend the wedding or feel miserable long term if you don't that could be a price worth paying.

ftbworried

Have you talked to your supervisor about this? i mean actually sat down and explained all the gory details? Maybe they'll understand?

About the sending stuff over- maybe she's asking you because that's her way of trying to involve you in the wedding. Have you actually spoken to her in this much detail about it? Maybe write her an email and say all the things (bar some!) that youve said in this thread. The best policy is openess and honesty. Rather than going through mothers/fathers/friends/hearsay to figure out why she hasnt asked you- why dont you ask HER?

I really hope that you'll sort it quickly before it becomes yet another one of those 'family grievances' that rip otherwise strong families apart.