Friends don't understand when I say have no money

los72

To the peeps who brought photo frames for their friends wedding and were looked down on by "So called friends etc"

When your friends get their wedding photo's back, whats the first thing they gonna reach for? Yes, the photo frame you brought them. And when the so called friends go visit the newlyweds, whats one of the first things they gonna see, proudly displayed in the couples house?....:D

throughtherain

There's been lots of sensible advice so far but I just wanted to chip in with some support.

I would speak to you friend. It may be that her words have been twisted by others, or it may be she has misunderstood your situation. If she is a good friend you should be able to discuss, and if not, then I wouldn't worry about it. For the record, I can't imagine many people would genuinely rather have presents than your presence at their wedding, even if they say otherwise. Comments like this usually reflect shallowness or issues of their own, and so hard as it is, I wouldn't take it personally.

I feel that people make MANY assumptions about others' financial situations, and I really do wonder how true these assumptions often are. Money is a dirty word to a lot of people who are scared or embarrassed to discuss it even with close family and friends, despite it being such a major issue for people.

I have taken to viewing other people without assessing their material goods, as I felt society had led me to do. If I see someone give an expensive present at a wedding, I have no idea if that person is very wealthy and can afford it easily, or whether they are in a mountain of debt but can't deal with it. People who can't see that aren't necessarily bad, they just aren't as aware as you, and so you have to choose to discuss it with your friends, carry on in the quiet knowledge that you did the right thing, or find new friends.

BKAT_9

So sorry to hear that Clueless - it is horrible when the people who should understand so obviously do not.

I must say I had a very similar experience, actually it is a repeat experience.

A few years ago I attended a friends wedding - I live at the opposite end of the country and as other posters have suggested attending weddings itself costs so much money. I sometimes think the happy couple seem to have brain freeze and forget this. Anyway, petrol, hotel, hen (weekend that I initially turned down due to cost and got bullied into attending) etc etc was £200 at least - I couldnt afford to give money (that was what they asked for) as well. I was looked down on not so much by the couple but the extended family (who counted up the presents of money and took account of who gave what!).

Fast forward and there has been baby showers, 'new baby here' parties, first birthdays (that turn into weekend spectaculars!) - all this times 2! and then a party for the 1 wedding aniversery and the latest is the christening. All mentioned events everyone seems to go to town on and of course gifts are presented in a very public way so it is noted if you are empty handed. I love my friend but I am beginning to think that their happy life moments are just that - theirs....must we all pay homage? I have spent hours instead with the kids making cakes, playing out, taking them to the park. When my friend was pregnant I was round constantly doing the house work, food shopping etc However I know that this is all well and good but there is still the impression that I am 'mean' when it comes to spending money (on the gifts)

I think that perhaps everyone is celebrating everything as if they are the next centre spread in 'Hello'! and perhaps as I am single/no kids I just dont 'get it'. That is I think how that friendship group have come to deal with me - 'oh bless her - she just doesnt understand'. No too damn right I dont, and I dont ever want to be the person that treasures something from John Lewis over a handmade card!

TwelveStopsThenHome

People like that aren't worth s---. She's obviously a very arrogant, selfish, materialistic person.

There are people struggling out there, and the thing with a lot of people is "I want it, I want it" as opposed to "I can wait and value others". It makes me sick when people go nuts with their shopping buying the most expensive things and then getting something similar a few weeks/months down the line. Another thing that gets my goat is events like weddings, christenings and birthdays being turned into extravagent events on huge budgets. It can be done, but with reduced costs and if people can't make it, then accept it. Just don't bully them. The present doesn't matter whether it's £1 or £10000.

I'd ditch her, and stick with your real friends xx

dktreesea

Frankie100 wrote: »

What a horrible friend

I was very skint a few weeks ago and I was invited to a friends 50th birthday party which I knew I couldnt say no to.
Anyway I went to our local car boot and found a lovely watch in a beautifull box,it cost me just £1,then I found some lovely smellies that were sealed and upopened,I haggled her down from £2 to £1 (yes i was really that skint).I felt embaressed when I gave them to her but the night went well.
When I saw her in work she said she was over the moon with the prezzies and she absolutly loved her watch.So for a total of £2 and a 45p card from Card Factory I made my friend very happy.
And I,ll be back at the car boot for my Christmas prezzies too,you would be amazed at the bargains you can find at car boots.
Ignore your ignorant so called friend sweetheart,she just isnt a friend.

Great advice. I have bought a lot of presents at car boot sales. Table sales are very good too, also Christmas sales and even, from time to time, jumble sales.
I recommend looking out for:

-Sealed perfumes: £1 - £4
-Sealed CDs: usually around £1, sometimes 50p
-Purses/handbags that are new - check they still have the tags on them. £1 to £2, though for something really nice I once paid £5
-Sealed DVDs: usually £1 to £2, but probably have to hunt a bit harder for these if you want something current
-Sealed weights. Hand held ones. Around £3 or so. I see these from time to time. I gave a set to a guy a few years ago, and he still mentions them, saying they were one of the "more useful" gifts he has ever received.

I've also bought things like unopened packets of incense, sets of make up or toiletries, boxed jewellery in its original case and unused.
For baby showers, places like table sales and car boots can be really good. Look for home made knitted wear. Brand new and hand crafted.

Though, speaking of crafts, I find craft fairs a bit overrated for gifts. Far too expensive and I would only buy something at a craft fair if I felt 100% sure the recipient would like it.

determined_new_ms

Hi op so sorry that this has made you feel rubbish. I can really sympathise. When we were paying off our debts (we went for it hell for leather and sadly going out partying took the hit the hardest) we lost a lot of our friends, but it was only temporary. I recently caught up with an old friend & went for a drink with her and she said, in all sincerity, that me & my oh turned into hermits for a while. I obviously put her straight and told her that it wasn't because we wanted to do that but we needed to to get out of debt & we just didn't have a spare bean to our name. She was quite shocked & said that she hadn't realised that things were that tough. I guess what I'm trying to say is even though you tell ppl you don't have any money they just don't get it! I'd guess that the comments you have heard are just off hand comments that are said in the moment without much thought. Take heart lovely it won't be long now until you graduate and things will improve x

Memory_Girl

Just been around the corner t help one of my "Old Dears" get up and breakfasted as she is off on a bus trip today. She used to be a Nurse and I told her about your horrible situation.

Her first reaction was " well she had better hope she never ends up in your ward in the future":o

The killer stroke was "tell her you are saving up to buy her a present for her NEXT wedding" - after all with being such a selfish wife (cleaned up) her wedding won't last as long as the bills will"

Now,before I get flamed, said old dear is a little dottery and tends to say exactly what he is thinking rather than editing IYSWIM.

Mind you , I do think she has a point

MG

jumpedtheshark

I agree with the general sentiment - definitely not a true friend. I saw this from a different perspective last month. One of DH's work acquaintances got married, and we hosted him and his fiancee for dinner the weekend before the wedding. He started talking about how he had just found out that one of his fiancee's close friends was the daughter of [someone with a high profile, very well-paid job] and had only spent £18 on their wedding gift, which he could tell because he'd been looking at who had bought what from their registry. He went on and on about it, and how they would be sure to spend less on her if she got married. I was appalled.

What kind of a person (a) fixates on who spent what on them, and (b) assumes that other people - that he doesn't know well (he doesn't know me at all, really) - would agree with him? He put the £18 item on the registry list, so presumably he wanted it. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth. We had already spent £85 on a non-registry gift that I had agonised over, and I really didn't feel he deserved it. We still gave it, to save my DH embarrassment at work, but no doubt, our gift was not good enough.

So your 'friend' probably also lost some friends in the retelling of the story.

Personally, I would have loved a hand-made card as time is so much more valuable than money, and really says how much you care. I framed a card that a good friend made for our wedding - she stitched a design and message; very skilled, and very time-consuming.

Lirin

When we married, our invites asked people not to bring gifts, as their company was all we needed, or worded similar.... We got gifts in any case off people, some incredibly generous, others well-thought. Of the gifts we received, the ones where people put time and effort into finding something very personal for us, or hand-made- those are the ones I remember the most. We didn't have a list as that felt so rude- 'Come to our wedding, but spend £100 first!'.... Very rude. I don't care whether someone spent £1, £100 or nothing- all we wanted was our friends around us being part of our day.
I think you did fine Clueless, you cared enough to make something, and that's what counts, not how much you spent on it. Your friend is short-sighted if she can't see that.
For gifts in general- I keep an eye on Ebay and so on, and usually have a tiny stock of gifts I've picked up cheap enough. It's not being mean, it's trying to give the best gifts I can on a small budget.

Frankie100

dktreesea wrote: »

Great advice. I have bought a lot of presents at car boot sales. Table sales are very good too, also Christmas sales and even, from time to time, jumble sales.
I recommend looking out for:

-Sealed perfumes: £1 - £4
-Sealed CDs: usually around £1, sometimes 50p
-Purses/handbags that are new - check they still have the tags on them. £1 to £2, though for something really nice I once paid £5
-Sealed DVDs: usually £1 to £2, but probably have to hunt a bit harder for these if you want something current
-Sealed weights. Hand held ones. Around £3 or so. I see these from time to time. I gave a set to a guy a few years ago, and he still mentions them, saying they were one of the "more useful" gifts he has ever received.


I've also bought things like unopened packets of incense, sets of make up or toiletries, boxed jewellery in its original case and unused.
For baby showers, places like table sales and car boots can be really good. Look for home made knitted wear. Brand new and hand crafted.

Though, speaking of crafts, I find craft fairs a bit overrated for gifts. Far too expensive and I would only buy something at a craft fair if I felt 100% sure the recipient would like it.

I absolutly love going to car boot sales dktreesea and so far I have 5 presents for friends and family for chrstmas,all of them sealed,all unopened.

Last year I got roped into organising a raffle at work for a very good cause I might add.I asked friends if they would donate things that I could raffle but it fell on deaf ears.In the end i took myself off to a car boot and I ended up getting 12 lovely prizes for the grand total of £14,again all sealed,all unopened.I did the raffle and made an amazing £423 (less my £14 of course!:D) and everyone loved their prizes.

Its always good to haggle at the car boots but you would be staggared at the things people sell for pennies as well as pounds.

If anyone lives in or near Liverpool then definatly venture to St Helens multi storey car park on Challoner Way,right in the town centre and its opened all year around, its always full from top to bottom AND STRICKLY NO TRADERS.Because it is a covered car boot people will go and sell there all year round,the nearer to Christmas the better because people sell alot so they can make a few bob for christmas.

On a good weather Sunday I also venture to Warrington Car Boot,its right next to B & Q,its an open one but if the weathers good then its packed out.

The majority of my christmas presents will be bought at car boots this year and i never pay more than £2 at the most.The best thing is none of my family or friends know where they come from.

Fantastic bargains!:T