Friends don't understand when I say have no money

clueless8556

Hi Everyone, I am a long time lurker but have not posted on this board before, but wondered if you lovely people could offer me some advice, currently I have gone back to university and am a student nurse and only have an extremely small monthly income which is provided as a bursuary, and have had to rack up some debt to get through school.

My friends who are all working don't seem to understand when I tell them I have no money and decline invitations to go out, and recently I had to attend a friends wedding as was at a point where I had no money to purchase a gift, I spent days making her a handmade card using crafting supplies I had in the house, to find out she is telling all my friends that I am cheap because I came to her wedding and didn't buy a gift.

I am just really sad and embarrassed about the situation, I feel bad that I wasn't able to buy a gift but literally there was no money available, my only other option was to decline the invitation but thought this would upset her more, any advice on how to make friends understand that I dont have the earning power they do?

Thank you for any advice

Happytogetdebtfree

I was once student nurse and feel your pain. I'd ask your friend why she feels the need to publicise such a thing and id say of you feel. Weddings about the gifts people give you well here's 25 pound spend if wisely and I would sever all ties until she apologises. Why should you have to feel bad :-/ makes me very angry. How much longer of training have you got left? X

iwanttogoonholiday

thats very sad that she would say stuff like that about you when you went to all that trouble - and i think u know what ppl will say - which is that she doesnt sound like much of an friend.Ive told my close friends that i literally cant afford to do things and they seem to accept it - however i do sometimes think that they dont really believe me ..if that makes sense!

vixx

Hi clueless,

I understand how you feel. Most of my friends and family are pretty well off compared to me and I often have to be creative with my excuses for turning down nights out!

If it were me, I would write a short card to your friend who recently got married, explaining your situation and adding that you hope your presence, and not your presents was what she wanted.
At least then she'll know why you couldn't splash out.

Some people just don't understand what being properly hard up is.

Happytogetdebtfree

What about doing some Nhs professionals work? X

rdchick

Hi

My first bit of advice is ditch your 'friend' if they think you're cheap because you spent TIME instead of POUNDS on a card and the sentiment that goes with it. Then maybe see if you can raise some extra funds via ebay or anything like that?

Maybe suggest things like a girls night in instead of going out - watch a movie and have a cheap bottle of wine

I know how you feel though. I have had to get a second job to socialise with my friends as all my wages from my main job goes to debt from my university days (only last year) I envy you for doing nursing - it's what I would love to do xxx

Tixy

What a shame your friend did that. Its awful enough being in that situation without her going around telling everyone. The thing is in your situation it should be obvious to friends that you have very little income (unlike a lot of people trying to hide their debts from friends).

If she is a close friend I would tackle her on it - might even go to the trouble to explain to her you have only X coming in a month and have to use that for all the bare essentials, and that you would have loved to have been able to spend more on her but right now feeding yourself and paying priority debts has to come first.

jayss

If your (not really a) friend only got married for the gifts then she'll likely have some tough times ahead.

Have you made friends in training who understand?

los72

clueless8556 wrote: »

I spent days making her a handmade card using crafting supplies I had in the house

How about attending a couple of craft fairs etc and selling some of your hand made cards?

As for friends, if they are true friends, then they will understand, if they don't, it's time to find new ones...:)

clueless8556

Hi all,
Just wanted to say thank you so much for all the replies, It really has cheered me to read all your kind words, I am in my third year of training, but I am finishing a bit behind everyone as I suffered a back injury. I have done NHS professional work before its great, I worked as a HCA but as I am committed to full time work on placement, I found working that many hours meant I was getting sick all the time and my university work was starting to suffer, I then figured what's the point of earning money for Uni if Uni chucks me out :-/ so I only do a few now and then.
I have tried talking to them before, but like Iwanttogoonholiday said, its like they they think your making it up.
Thank you for the tips on cheap nights out, i think I will suggest a DVD night so we can have a proper talk,

Thanks again for all you fabulous advice, I'm off to night shift now :-)

jackyann

Not sure if you'll pick this up clueless, but wanted to sympathise.

Only today I was having a discussion with 2 nursing friends (2 of us are retired, 1 still working) and we were talking about a young person we know going through nursing training. When we were student nurses, there was a "all in it together" feeling, also most of the public liked us, sympathised and knew we were hard up. We think this has changed.

I was also brought up in times when "home made" was considered desirable, and whatever your "friend" thought, she was very rude to tell other people.

On this forum there are loads of people who know how to enjoy themselves without much money.

I also agree that it is important to prioritise your studies over earning money (by whatever means) although traditionally evening baby-sitting was useful - people feel safe with a student nurse, and whilst poorly paid, you can study!

My tips are:
Be up-front with your friends & acquaintance, without being whiny. Say "on my budget, I can't afford" or "that can't be a priority I'm afraid". "I would like to spend some time with you, but it will have to be at home / a picnic / whatever"
You can also hand over a home-made gift saying "I'd love to spend more money, but this comes with good thoughts & wishes". If people are ungracious then forget them!

Use the suggestions on this board for good stuff to do, and join NHS Discounts as well.
I would also suggest that if you are good at making stuff (I am) then you can offer to make something in advance as a wedding gift. Eg: I am making cravats & hankies for a relative's wedding; saves a lot on the blokes' dress hire, and cost me £5 for fabric from the market.

Finally I would say that if your friends can't cope with you being poor, they are not worth having, and you will find a nicer bunch as life goes on.
And very finally: when they are in pain or distress, they are going to want someone with your skills, and realise there are things money cannot buy.