Depression

EthelBloggs

nah, nothing planned.. I don't dare with madam - last night she was threatening to burn the house down in the middle of the night.. I'm sick and tired of all her fekkin drama!

Sazbo

EthelBloggs wrote:

nah, nothing planned.. I don't dare with madam - last night she was threatening to burn the house down in the middle of the night.. I'm sick and tired of all her fekkin drama!

Don't blame you hun. Must be exhausting Did you get any joy from the social worker at all?

Sx

Barcode

I wonder if it's o.k to join this thread (no, I can't read through a hundred pages!).

I'm feeling more emotionally drained than usual of late. I am tired of having to take anti-depressants just to function and get through the day. I am tired of having the same dreams over and over, causing me to wake up several times a night upset, I am tired of feeling isolated from everybody else, and I think I'm just tired of being me.

Isn't it strange, that the further we are, from our problems, the more they seem to affect us? Things that happened years ago seem to affect me on a daily basis, and I can't help thinking it's silly. But then, I have no sense of what is normal anymore.

From a fed up Barcode

learning_to_drive

Welcome barcode, I understand how you feel, I was the same not so long ago, tiffy and the crew will be along to give you some really good advice

In the meantime :hello:

Sazbo

Barcode wrote:

I wonder if it's o.k to join this thread (no, I can't read through a hundred pages!).

I'm feeling more emotionally drained than usual of late. I am tired of having to take anti-depressants just to function and get through the day. I am tired of having the same dreams over and over, causing me to wake up several times a night upset, I am tired of feeling isolated from everybody else, and I think I'm just tired of being me.

Isn't it strange, that the further we are, from our problems, the more they seem to affect us? Things that happened years ago seem to affect me on a daily basis, and I can't help thinking it's silly. But then, I have no sense of what is normal anymore.

From a fed up Barcode

Hi Barcode, of course it's ok! :hello: Thanks for posting and a warm welcome. Sorry you're feeling fed up. You can post here anytime, the people on here are very supportive and we do what we can to help one another through the days.

It may seem strange, but really, difficulties that we experienced a long time ago often do affect us in the present because 'strategies' we devised at the time to deal with a problem can often outlive the original problem and they stay with us even though they are no longer useful. Am I making any sense at all here?! So we just feel like we're going round and round in circles - and believe me I've got the T-shirt on that one!:D

I don't know how long you've been taking the ADs, but it may be worth having a chat with your doc to review the treatment options. Have you considered counselling at all? Might be worth considering if you feel you are being revisited by things that haven't been resolved. In the meantime, feel free to chat away here, if you'd like to.

Hope this helps in some way. Big hugs,

Love Saz x

Barcode

Hi Saz,

(1). I've been on the AD's since Nov, escitrolopam, they seem to be working for me in that I can get through the day without too many unpleasant side-effects, in the past, AD's have put me into a walking coma. I'm not prepared to change something that seems to be working at the moment.

(2) I go to group counselling at uni, but, it's mostly people talking about problems with their housemates, coursework etc. Of course, these are valid problems, and some people may understandably feel overwhelmed by them, but it's hard for me to voice what is wrong, as I just wouldn't know where to begin.

(3) I'm contemplating one-on-one counselling, but I'm not sure what might be best. I don't think I want CBT, I need to process past issues, and that means talking, which I rarely have. Even my partner only knows limited details, and that seemed to be upsetting enough for her.

(4) You do make sense, in the past, I suppose I coped by distancing myself, whilst certain things were going on. To put it bluntly, a large part of my current issues comes from the fact I was sexually abused, and raped, by our next-door neighbour, and it went on every other day for four years between the ages of 9-13. My father was also violent and drank all the time, so I used to go next door thinking "well at least he's nice to me". I'm still very angry that he's living his life and is now trying to foster children!!! I took him to court at 17, but the CPS said that owing to the amount of time that had lapsed, there was not sufficient evidence (really, what 13 year old can stand up and go to court? It was only later after it stopped and I gathered my senses ....)

(5) I hate blaming everything on the past, but I see so many patterns, I'm very distant in person, hate anybody coming close to me, can't stand normal things like hugs, don't like much physical contact, and if I do, ideally, I'd rather it be with a stranger that I don't have to see again so I don't have to deal with all the emotional hassle ....

And I think I'm saying too much that is probably inappropriate ....

learning_to_drive

I would recommend definitely going to the Samaritans or someone, somewhere where you can just talk, tiff has a variety of links and she will be along soon, talking works for a lot of people, its really nice having someone impartial there just listening, and going hmmm as you talk, It really helped me.

rose07

Hi Barcode

welcome to the thread

its good that the AD seem to be working,

If you feel the group sessions are hard, can you talk to someone outside the group? or if you feel comfortable you can write down how you feel here, and at least it will get it out, writing it down and knowing there will be someone listening.

and barcode i can certainly relate to the things you talk about in number 4) , abuse in itself, whether sexual, physical, or emotional is hard to deal with, hard to move on from, but make sure you know you couldnt have done anything at the age of 13, you were a kid they are the adult.

are you seeing a psychiatrist, or psychologist? when was the last time you seen your gp hun?

take care x

Barcode

Hi,

I can't call the Samaritans as I'm partially deaf, but I wonder if there is such a thing as a drop-in-centre?

I'm not seeing a psychologist / psychiatrist, but I'm now of the opinion I probably should. It cannot be normal to have the same dreams almost every night in which it is occurring again, or I'm being shot, stabbed, or watching my loved one's being killed (nice images I know). I am not big on dream analysis, but the fact that said dreams leave me so exhausted and upset is indicative of something.

I don't blame myself for any of the abuse. I just wonder why nobody stopped it. My Mother knew what was going on at the age of 13, but she never did anything, and she was always drunk as well, so I ended up looking after my siblings (they were eventually adopted because of the violence, and I hate that we have all been seperated through no fault of our own).

And then this year, when I find out my sibs and I have inherited a genetic predisposition to cancer, with two siblings already affected, well that is just the icing on the cake. I suppose the next thing to happen is that I'll be killed by an asteroid on my way to campus. Sorry, but everything seems so ridiculous and extreme, that's the way I feel.

I know I am naturally a very withdrawn person, but I think everything that happened magnified my existing dispositions many times over. As a result, it's really difficult for me to relate to anybody.

Sazbo

Hi Barcode. That's a lot for anyone to cope with and my heart goes out to you it really does, trying to deal with the aftermath of all that. I actually think you've done incredibly well coping with it, given the circumstances.

As you say, uni counselling services are probably more geared to study-related problems and you would need counselling more tailored to your circumstances on a one-to-one basis.

I don't see it so much as 'blaming' the past. After all, we are all shaped by the experiences we have had - good and bad - and the ways we have dealt with them. It's what makes us 'us', I guess. It's more a case of being giving yourself the opportunity to work through painful issues in a supportive and constructive space, and then find a way out the maze.

First step is probably an appointment with your GP who can discuss the various therapeutic options available to you, and also the specialist agencies that may be able to offer support relevant to your needs.

Love,
Sazx