Depression

gillette147

Groan - Hi folks,

I'm not in too bad a mood but that's coz i'm in de Nile.

Last nite had a big row with g/f.
I just can't ever get my point across to women. Venus/mars thing I guess. She told me something about her past which isn't that bad IMO. But the way I had to trip over it to find out is what worries me. My last relationship was full of lies - my ex was too afraid to lose me, so would never confess to anything. But that means I never really know if I know everything and you then lose respect for them and it's a slippery slope from there.

Last night was horrible as I tried not to fall into all my learned behaviour from the time with my ex. Trying to explain and not hurt her. But just ending up having a worse and worse row.

I tried to explain last night that I am strong enough to take anything apart from not being told stuff. But the lesson she just seems to have learnt from last night is it is better NOT to have told me - the total opposite of what I was saying!! I don't want to prolong the row but I feel if I don't correct this, I will end up having the same problems I had with my ex. It all felt so horribly familiar last night.

Also
I was woken up by the phone (at 11am!!!) by doctors. Apparently they sent an appointment with counsellor for today but I never got it. I now have one for 12 o'clock 21st Feb. It hasn't sunk in yet but TBH I don't want to go. I am scared. Scared I am just being a drama queen. This appointment has been hanging over me all year. I'm sort of getting on with stuff now. I just want to be left alone. I've coped all these years and........ I don't know. I'm not sobbing in Sainsbury's or anything.

I STILL haven't done any revision. I woke up determined to start today. But I had washing up etc to do. I've done it but it's started my headache off and now I'm wiped out. I've only really got tomorrow then I'm with g/f all weekend. Course starts up on monday. And I think the weekend will be intense with g/f as we now have our first row to sort out/smooth over.

Groan

xx

learning_to_drive

Ill post it I think Carol Makes it all easier, I do miss her, but the road to recovery is a rocky one, I've missed a couple of days of tablets due to me being on nights and not gettin a prescription, got them now though.

Trying nto to sound mad, but its a relief to get a tablet, im calm now, not a relief, but i dont like missing them. I missed loads last time (stopped taking them) and went off the rails.

Tiff_2

Hi miro hun!:wave:
How are you sweetheart?
Blinky, saz, gem and the gang have given you golden advice angel, although you're probably feeling too tender and raw to feel its true value right now. I don't think I have anything different to say really hun. But you know Tiff - gotta put her in.;)

Miroslav wrote:

I agree I need a clean break, but she contacted flatmate who asked me what I thought, so it wound me up again.
Like blinky, I was also surprised that you sent s a text. This is quite out of character for you really, isn't it hun? You don't like confrontation I know, so it shows just how angry and hurt you are miro and I guess you couldn't resist the temptation. In a way this is good hun, because it shows that you are on the painful road of recovery and you are defending your heart and not collapsing in on yourself.

I need all these small steps to stand a chance of moving on, and by telling her exactly what I think, followed by dumping the few things of hers outside her door, including what she gave me for Xmas, it will help. Right now anger is a big issue for me with her, and I hope I never see her again, but everytime I see a female, I see her and I see anger
You're right in that you need to take small steps to help you move on angel. We all feel the same when love is thrown back at us undeservedly. Angry. Lost. Afraid. Alone. There's a whole list we all probably know inside out.

Some anger is good in the respect that it shows that you know inside yourself, that you did nothing wrong and that shows that you are starting to get back some of your self-respect - although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it right now.Do what you have to do to sever your ties and have the biggest hissy fit you can manage! Shout, cry, scream, kill cushions, batter your bed - whatever it takes to get the anger out hun.

I know this sounds silly but you have to be careful with anger because it's like cooking a meal in some ways hun - it simmers and simmers and if it's left to it's own devices, then it boils over, out of control and you get burned. Use the anger, channel it to recover, but keep it under control hun so that it doesn't consume you and stop you from seeing all the opportunities.

I'm not going to find someone. I think it's life telling me, that earlier in life I have met my special person, and she passed away, and i've had my chance, so it's time to be on my own. I guess that's the way it's got to be.

I know sweetheart, that you've had a truly awful time. The love you had for your family is clear and brave. It should never be stained with the problems of others - although you grieve still, it's a grief of love.
Somehow, I hope you can find it in your heart to be brave enough to try and love again hun because we've only got a finite amount of time here, and it doesn't have to be full of pain.

It's easy to feel this all-or-nothing emptiness when our hearts are broken hun but it's temporary. Every one of us runs the same risks every time we get into a relationship angel, but we have to no matter how scarey it is, because it's part of being human. And so is the joy we get when it works!

Your warm heart and compassion for others is a gift angel.:T It's so hard to give, when you feel that life is a cruel joke and that you're always on the end of the punchline. But miro hun, when you start loving for yourself, and not because someone you see needs it, that's when it'll be different.

Confession time miro hun - I do feel a bit of a hypocrite in some ways with what I've written. Me and loneliness are best friends.;) I want to love so much and I'm hurting too. I'd love to have love in my life angel, but it seems an impossibility. Hah - who would want a worn out ol' Tiff?!:rolleyes:
But I still want love miro, even though I haven't got it and don't even see a glimpse of it on the horizon.
And that's the real problem angel - having so much love to give, when you can't love yourself and you have lost hope.
Believe me hun, I cry for you and I cry with you.
Anyway, this isn't about me!:D You're as important as anyone else hun - and before you say it, no, I don't follow my own advice!:rolleyes:

I - and the others - can see your pain and your situation from the outside perspective, so that's the difference hun. So really, I'm not being a hypocrite.;) I'd never preach on the subject miro. Please don't shut out your future hun. You're young angel, in good health, stronger than you think and with a wonderful spirit miro. Explore all there is within you and around you angel, and at least you'll have lived life the best way you can. And isn't that what we all want?
You'll get there hun - really you will. I hope happiness finds you soon angel.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Horasio

It is 20 minutes before I have a viewing and my husband is being vile and I am shaking with anger. Sweating and I feel so uptight and enraged. The karma in this place is upset now. He will be able to switch when they arrive but I will still be shaking. How can I calm down before 7pm? He wants me to be a fishwife and him look like the victim.

I even had a chat to him earlier about this but he has just aggravated me again.

I went to see him and the look he gave me was thunder, like I wasn't wanted. It hurts, I wanted us to have a nice chat and a laugh to get happy but I feel like an intruder in my own home when he is here. I enjoy it so much when he is at work and hate the weekends with avengence.

He did this to me on Sunday just before the viewing and last night when we left the house for our night out.

Why is he doing this to me?

He blames me

I want to kill him and in the past it has turned violent.

I have left him to do it - I can't do anything in these conditions.

EthelBloggs

evenin all..

hope everyone's fine. I've got a stinking headache again.. not sure what it can be, and I'm exhausted, almost ready to go to bed!

had so much running to do today, maybe that's why, but at least daughter is back on her program and I can relax a bit.. well for 2 days anyway, lol

other than that, not much to report.. in fact, nothing at all, lol

hope everyone's ok.. bigg huggggggggggs.. xxxx

Horasio

He did the viewings and it worked better.

They were really nice but need a better build up from him as we don't know what the viwers are going to be like.

They seem interested but will wait and see if they want to see it in daylight.

It started to snow on cue as they went into the garden. It looks so pretty:)

I am so hyped up now, I can't relax.

geminilady

EthelBloggs wrote:

evenin all..

hope everyone's fine. I've got a stinking headache again.. not sure what it can be, and I'm exhausted, almost ready to go to bed!

had so much running to do today, maybe that's why, but at least daughter is back on her program and I can relax a bit.. well for 2 days anyway, lol

other than that, not much to report.. in fact, nothing at all, lol

hope everyone's ok.. bigg huggggggggggs.. xxxx

Hi Ethel.Your headache could be down to stress,you do have a very hectic lifestyle.Hope you feal better after a good nights sleep it can work wonders.x

Tiff_2

Hi guys!:wave:
Hey - where is everyone?!
Ruddy typical - the first night I've been still awake in 6 months and you've all gone to bed!
I felt too ashamed to say it earlier, but I didn't make it out today. I felt really poorly and ended up asleep most of the day.
BUT tonight, once I'd heard about the Ice Age heading our way and after I'd fed DS and had some myself (unusual that - I never eat before I go out anywhere!), I thought I'd better try and high tail it to Asdaland regardless to stock up on supplies so that the Red Cross won't have to drop me any food parcels.:rolleyes: Six inches of snow they've promised us for the morning! We'll see.There again, it's been a long time since I was promised anything let alone 6 inches of it - not even breathing space!:rolleyes: Sorry guys-I just realised how that sounds.

So, I've just got back from the frontline - and yes, I felt rough - it was like Christmas all over again! Even the summer tops were vanishing - some people will buy anything! Er, I got a blue one. Oh, and some food.:D DS went to bed at 8.45pm (isn't College great?!) and I thought I'd check in before I fall over into mine. Kind of edgy about the weather though because I don't want my op cancelled for the second time.:eek: They've already phoned and put it back until 2.30pm!:o
Anyway before I forget, hugs to carol and ethel and sazzy for your kind thoughts - thank you.;) Sweet dreams guys.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Tiff_2

CarolnMalky wrote:

LTD...maybe easier on you to tell her you are busy this weekend, could you post it to her, or leave it somewhere(maybe with a friend?)

Hi l-t-d!:wave:
I agree with cm, l-t-d.:T If you can do it via a friend or family, that should avoid some heartache. Being in love hurts, being out of it hurts - you just can't win, can you hun?;) Love will find you angel. You've been down in the deepest depths of despair l-t-d and you couldn't see a way out but look at all you've achieved despite feeling so low!:T I'll be thinking of you hun and hoping you can be strong.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Sazbo

Tiff wrote:

Hi guys!:wave:
Hey - where is everyone?!
Ruddy typical - the first night I've been still awake in 6 months and you've all gone to bed!
I felt too ashamed to say it earlier, but I didn't make it out today. I felt really poorly and ended up asleep most of the day.
BUT tonight, once I'd heard about the Ice Age heading our way and after I'd fed DS and had some myself (unusual that - I never eat before I go out anywhere!), I thought I'd better try and high tail it to Asdaland regardless to stock up on supplies so that the Red Cross won't have to drop me any food parcels.:rolleyes: Six inches of snow they've promised us for the morning! We'll see.There again, it's been a long time since I was promised anything let alone 6 inches of it - not even breathing space!:rolleyes: Sorry guys-I just realised how that sounds.

So, I've just got back from the frontline - and yes, I felt rough - it was like Christmas all over again! Even the summer tops were vanishing - some people will buy anything! Er, I got a blue one. Oh, and some food.:D DS went to bed at 8.45pm (isn't College great?!) and I thought I'd check in before I fall over into mine. Kind of edgy about the weather though because I don't want my op cancelled for the second time.:eek: They've already phoned and put it back until 2.30pm!:o
Anyway before I forget, hugs to carol and ethel and sazzy for your kind thoughts - thank you.;) Sweet dreams guys.
Much Love,
Tiff xxx

Will be thinking of you tomorrow tiffy. Take care, much love sazzy xxx