Friendship Issues

LolaLemon

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

Thank you all for your input. The poster that said my friend was stuck in high school mode is probably right. I have changed a lot in the last year, and particularly in the last 6 months following the premature deaths of two young family members - it has made me realise that life is too short and not to put things off. That was part of the reason for the weekend away with my DH, we had a faboulous time, but she made a conscious effort not to ask me how it went, or wished me a good time, or even appreciated the fact that it was a one off occasion which couldn't be postponed as we had to factor in babysitting the children who remained at home, whereas we could meet up any time, and did when I cam back.

Its her birthday tomorrow and I am debating whether to take her card and present round tomorrow to see her, or just wait until I see her next month when we have a long standing date to meet up. I don't want her to have any more excuse to say how hard done by she is by me, on the other hand I really don't want to see her the mood I am in at the present time. I am pretty annoyed with her and she is already in a vulnerable place and an argument would probably tip her over the edge - as well as ruin her birthday which I would hate to happen.

Mmmm a dilemma...

I'd leave the present for later, give her a call to wish her a happy birthday, hope u have a lovely time, sorry that I'm in such a rotten mood, hopefully we can meet up for a coffee and you can fill me in on what I miss... then send a text a few days later (or next day) just asking how night went and when would she like to meet up... then the ball is in her court, so to speak.

I'm sorry to hear of all your unhappy events lately, hopefully it is the last & u receive better news from now on

(((Big hugs)))

Solstice_Twilight

It's a horrible situation to be in - I've been there myself. The biggest difficulty in my scenario was that the friend in question lived 250 miles away, and we used to arrange holidays with one another several times a year - usually, we took turns visiting each other for either a long weekend or a week, and once a year, we tried to book a week away together. Unfortunately, she seemed to save up all of her bad moods and problems, and promptly dump them on OH and I as soon as we got together. Any attempts to try to cheer her up, or suggest activities we could all enjoy, rather than sitting around offering her the same advice that we've offered for the same problems on many occasions over the years would usually result in her having a sulk. She didn't seem to realise that these visits also cost US time, money and our annual leave entitlements from work, and although I would never begrudge anyone having a bit of a whinge on the first day and having a wine and icecream-style evening, she seemed to think that all of our time together was supposed to be some kind of counselling intervention service for her issues. One visit, we spent six hours sitting on the floor of her bedroom with her while she cried and told us all the "terrible" problems she was going through, which were just the same as the time before that, and any advice we suggested to help her improve her situation was barely considered before it was dismissed. OH tired of the one-sidedness of the friendship first and began to really resent the time we spent with her (he had been good friends with her before we got together as well), so I felt quite pulled between the two of them for a year. She would phone us at 3am to cry down the phone, but rebuffed any suggestions that perhaps a professional counsellor or a trip to her GP may be more effective for her than hoping we could solve her problems from the other end of the country.
The final straw came last summer when we drove down to visit her. She spent the whole week either ignoring us, snapping at us or sulking in her room and didn't want to participate in anything we suggested as entertainment. On our last day, she barely grunted good morning at us, ignored us while we made our breakfast (she had already eaten and blanked our offers to fix something for her), so we skulked off to the bedroom, packed our bags and got ready to go. When we came down, she was washing up in the kitchen, and didn't even offer a goodbye.

On the drive home, OH said he'd had enough and wouldn't be in contact with her again and I agreed with him that it had become a ridiculous state of affairs. Some time later, she wrote me a letter basically stating that she felt we "didn't do enough" for her and that she was the one who made all of the effort in the friendship. When I thought about all the times I'd grinned and stuck a happy face over my own problems so as to ensure that everyone had a good holiday rather than listening to me moan, I realised that some people are incapable of doing this and sadly, this particular friend is one of them. Her own life-issues took precedent over other people getting to have a bit of a holiday during their holidays. We wrote her a return letter, as politely as we could, explaining how we had felt for the last few years, and that although we were sorry that she'd felt we didn't do enough for her, that what she probably experienced was us drawing away from the friendship as we'd felt as though we were only wanted as a sounding board for her to vent her problems. We haven't heard from her since, and honestly life has become much more pleasant!

Personally, I would simply cut ties. Life is short and people like this drain you. If you want to keep her as a friend, I think it's time for a blunt talk about how you feel. I spent so long trying to pretend that my friend's behaviour wasn't getting to me that by the time the breaking point came, there wasn't really anything left other than to end the friendship.

KiKi

I personally think pulling out of a 30-year friend's birthday probably wasn't the right thing to do.

However, I don't think that's the issue at all. The issue is that you don't really want to be friends with her; she saps your emotional well being, and the more she does it, the more irritated you are, rightly or wrongly.

The length of a friendship shouldn't mean you have to be friends. My best friend in the world is someone I've known for three years, and literally the day we met, I knew we'd be best friends for a very long time. Other friendships - much longer ones - have been let go on both sides for various reasons.

Don't use the birthday thing or anything else as an excuse. If you don't want the friendship to continue because she drains you, then end it - and sooner rather than later. The longer you leave it, the more she'll annoy you!

KiKi

3v3

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

... I have changed a lot in the last year, and particularly in the last 6 months following the premature deaths of two young family members - it has made me realise that life is too short and not to put things off...

I think this is probably the one most significant aspect of the whole business.

A 30 year friendship is longer than many marriages! And, just like marriages which begin as fun, you can "outgrow" one another.

From the way you describe her, she is quite needy, self-interested, lives for the now without fully thinking things through and then emotional when the consequences hit. Typical teenager

You sound like polar opposites in a number of ways, but then many friendships (and marriages!) are formed and cemented on that basis.

Unfortunately, you have changed, matured, grown older and wiser and view life from a completely different perspective.

I do understand your anger (I also understand you have been through a lot yourself!). Clearly, if you are still feeling angry about it tomorrow, then I think a phone call/text to respect her birthday would probably be the best answer. After you have slept on it, and if you feel calmer, then a brief visit to give her the gift, would be ok. But, I wouldn't mention how you are feeling. One, because you say she is fragile herself at the moment, two because you wouldn't want to ruin her day, but, three - and probably the most important: she isn't going to change! And she isn't going to catch up with you in experience, maturity or emotional intelligence.

You could try explaining to her to you are blue in the face how you feel, but it would probably be a waste of your time, and energy, because her mind doesn't appear to work on empathy; she possibly wouldn't take it on board. In fact, she may continue to turn it around on to you (as you described in your post).

I don't think it is serious enough to terminate the relationship full stop (I think she is too shortsighted of life to have any real malice behind her behaviour); I do think, all things considered, you could make a conscious decision within yourself to slowly, but surely, withdraw from the intensity of the relationship. Gradually reducing the amount of contact over a period of time. Dignified and graceful

kitekat

Drop her she sounds like an emotional drain,lifes too short.

Valli

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

It came to a head a few months a
I am at the stage of just cutting her off completely, she takes all my emotional strength and I get nothing in return, but she has been a friend for a long time and that is what is stopping me from telling her what I think.

Do that then - just stop contact with her; don't be so available for her. Maybe she felt she could ALWAYS rely on you to be there - and now you've 'let her down' - may have been just twice but (in her eyes) yoiu have let her down big time. Don't tell her what you think - because you will be eaten up (in time) and you'll feel you went too far. Just let this friendship fall by the wayside and move on. A friend who relies so much on others for support is never going to be able to give you support when you need it.

poorly_scammo

She sounds a total drama queen and I'll bet she'd love it if you phoned her and mollycoddled her about how you'd 'upset' her etc, etc.

Leave her to stew. She sounds very demanding.

Mrs_Optimist

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

There are lots of aspects to this and a fair few of you have identified them, from the point of being fed up with repeating myself when the same problems occur, to having to Counsel her when she refuses to seek proper Counselling and she refuses to take the anti-depressants prescribed by her GP. She is a drama queen but she is also my friend and I find it very difficult to walk away as she does rely on me and her family (her mum told me that she sometimes wonders if she ever did cut the umbilical cord as she is round there so much!). We are polar opposites - I sort out my own problems, try not to make a crisis out of a drama and am happy with my lot. She loads her problems on everyone else, makes a crisis out of everything and is never satisfied with her men, job etc. Underneath she is a good person but I can no longer be arsed to have her rely on me so much - I have 2 children and a husband that rely on me as well as numerous other friends that ask for my advice (which I don't mind because they actually take heed of what I am telling them).

I repeat myself as we go around in circles as the years pass by - same problems, different men. All her problems are of her making.

I agree with the poster that said I shouldn't have pulled out tonight and if it had just been the two of us going I probably would have plastered a smile on my face and gone for her sake. However she has lots of work colleagues she is going out with so my choice not to go hasn't really affected her night out IYSWIM. She said she felt disappointed that I let her down, but if the shoe had been on the other foot I would have understood and been aware of the reasons.

On the flip side, She has cancelled me to meet up with her latest man, and even used me as a alibi when she was meeting her married man as her fiancee (now ex) didn't know what was going on. She has cut short telephone conversations with me abruptly because her latest squeeze has texted to say he is on his way round to "see" her. All of this I didn't mind (apart from the alibi bit) because it made her happy - for 5 minutes.

I just feel that the more I give, the more she takes, and that because I don't have dramas to go to her with, thats my fault as she says she would be there for me if I did! I feel guilty for having a "normal" life!

I cannot see her ever being happy with her lot and dread the thought of having another 30 years of this repeated. I just wish she could settle down and live a normal life as she deserves it, but I cannot see it happening.

Mojisola

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

I repeat myself as we go around in circles as the years pass by - same problems, different men. All her problems are of her making.

It sounds as if you are enabling her lifestyle - with the best of intentions, I'm sure. She doesn't need to change while she's got you picking up the pieces all the time.

It may be that if you withdraw some of your support, she will be forced to deal with real life herself and may improve her situation. The change could be good for both of you.

missindecisive

mrs optimist. I too have been in your situation, with a close friend for many years. You say yourself that you 'counsell' her, and thats exactly what you are to her. The friendship is one sided in favour of her needs, and as long as you are there, supplying the support, she will continue to drain you , until you have nothing left to give.

What I did was distanced myself, without actually getting to the point where we had a full blown arguement about it. I stopped answering the phone.(she used to phone me twice/sometimes 3 times a day) It was difficult for her and me at first. She could'nt understand why I was being so stand off-ish, I felt plagued with guilt. She would make nasty remarks when I did eventually have contact with her, being sarcastic about me being 'too busy' to answer her calls. At the time I did have a young baby and a toddler but these factors did'nt even come into the equation in her mind, I was rushed off my feet but she only cared for herself! I began to realise it more when my own mum and hubby noticed how much she was demanding of me & my time. My thoughts were totally took up by her and her problems, it was taking over MY life!

My mum said to me that if I distanced myself away from her, she would move on and find someone else to lean on, I did;nt really believe her. To me, I felt really close to her and thought that, although I was drowning in her problems and couldn't cope much longer with hearing them, I thought that she would not manage without me as a friend. How wrong I was !!!!!!!! She soon moved on to someone else and now I have hardly any contact with her. I feel much better for it and so will you. Take my advice...save yourself now and remove yourself from the equation! And another thing..she WILL survive without your support. She probably has no idea what she has done to you over the years, and will just move on to the next person, just you wait and see :rotfl: