Friendship Issues

Mrs_Optimist

I am in a bit of a dilemma and wanted some impartial input from you people.

I have a long-standing friend of 30 years. We have had some real fun times and I consider that I have always been there for her when she has needed me. We are of similiar ages but whereas I have been married happily for 13 years and have 2 children, she has gone from one engagement to another, now has a young child of her own, although she has split wiith the child's father, never married and never seems satisfied wiith her lot. I have counselled her so many times over the years when she has another crisis in her life (of which there have been many, all of her own making)

It came to a head a few months ago when I cancelled an evening with her, a week beforehand, because an opportunity arose to have a weekend away with DH without the children (first time in 13 years!), She was quite curt and short with me, and to be honest it got my back up. Had the roles been reversed I would have been happy for her and wished her a nice time. I let it go.

Fast forward now, it is her birthday this weekend and I was supposed to be going out with her and her work mates for a meal this evening to celebrate. IT was only ever a loose arrrangement, but things are quite stressful at home at present because my DH has been put on notice of redundancy. We expect him to be let go next week. Unsurprisingly I don't feel in a celebratory mood, so pulled out of going out becaise I didn't want to put a dampner on her evening. I was rewarded with a long text telling me how I had let her down, how I always let her down, that our friendship does not mean as much to me as it does to her, she would be there for me like a shot if I needed her blah blah. The emoitional blackmail was really piled on. She knows the situation with regard DH job but has offered no support on this. It seems to be all Her Her Her. A year ago I would have been really upset about this but now I am just angry. It feels like our friendship is one sided - because I don't have drama in my life I am made to feel guilty for not relying on her as heavily as she does me. I am happy with my marriage but she is never happy with her relationships and always finishes them after a few years and then I step in to counsel her.

Her own mum says she feels she has never cut the cord with her because she relies on her so much - to the extend that she didn't like her mum finding a friend (female) for company when her father died. She felt her mum should put her children first (they are all in their 30's!) I was of the opinion that she should have been happy that her mum had some company and not sat at home on her own.

I am at the stage of just cutting her off completely, she takes all my emotional strength and I get nothing in return, but she has been a friend for a long time and that is what is stopping me from telling her what I think.

dramaqueen1973

Hey

Did not want to read and run!

Anyway, this happened to me about 5 years ago, lifetime friend of bout 20 years ago, we cut ties and she was nasty! Best advice I can give you is, return the text and say im sorry that is how you feel but you know the situation at home at the moment and I have to be there for hubby and kids, I wish I could be there but I cant, I have been there for you for 30 years but on this ocasion I cant! If she does get funny over it hun she really not worth it! My hubby lost his job a year ago and it was tough so totally sympathise with you, but she has to understand the situation and what you are going through, hey its just a meal and drinks with her work friends, she will be fine, let her sulk tell her to build a bridge and get over it....jeez so much more going on in the world to worry about than whether you can make a night out for her Bday!

Offer to do a night for just you and her at your house or hers and have a few drinks at home, if she does not accept that, then you have to question the friendship my love!

HTH

Drama xxxxx

Mojisola

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

I am at the stage of just cutting her off completely, she takes all my emotional strength and I get nothing in return, but she has been a friend for a long time and that is what is stopping me from telling her what I think.

As this is what you feel, why would you want to give more years to this "friendship"?

January20

When you cancelled the evening because you were going away with your DH, did you rebook with her?

When say arrangements for her birthday were very loose with her, perhaps for her, the details of what you were going to do were loose, but not the evening itself, as it's her birthday? And you couldn't spare the cost of a meal out for your friend? Or just put a smile on your face for a few hours for her?

I'm not saying you are wrong, but it's all about perception. You perceive things one way, and your friend obviously another way.

Regardless of who is right or wrong, friendships are not compulsory. If this girl makes you unhappy, just cut the ties and move on.

Mrs_Optimist

Thanks for your replies. Yes when we had a weekend away we did rebook and have seen each other since. Unfortunately that time was spent with her crying over some issue in her life, again of her own making (she is seeing a married man and was jealous that he could not spen much time with her because he was putting his kids first - she sees that she should be his priority!).

We have also arranged to see each other in a few weeks - a long standing arrangement, which have had been looking forward to, but now feel trepadidtion because I know that it will be a lecture on how I don't value our friendship as much as she does.

January20

well, in that case Mrs Optimist you may have to cut ties. She sounds impossible!

(I couldn't be friends with somebody who was seeing a married man!)

Mrs_Optimist

Yes we have had words about that, he has now left his wife but only 12 months after she finished with the father of her child and was an emotional wreck - which I counselled her through. - and only after she met someone else and seemed to be moving on with her life.

I did reply to her initial text sayng calmly but firmly that my chiildren and husband have to come first - she just said that she knew the situation regarding OH job as I had told her that last time we met! That was it - no moral support whatsoever - it was all about her and that irritated me tbh. I have had her live with us before following the break up of a relationship, I have visited her parent when she was in hospital, went to the funeral of her father, counselled her over numerous breakups of relationships - it just isn't enough for her. Noone can do enough for her or keep her happy it seems, not just me. She is a very old friend though and we have had lots of fun times, but I cannot satisfy her demands it seems , and nor do I want to now. I have other friends going through crisises of their own which I am helping with, I am a good shoulder to cry on, but none of them make the demands on my time that she does. I told her that I simply can't be all things to all people all the time, but she said that I was making her feel that she was being unreasonable about the situation. She also seems to think that she is the only friend I have that may need my support.

Lotus-eater

I've a sister just like it, unfortunately I've had to cut almost all contact with her because it's almost impossible, it's always my fault and she's always the hard done by one.
I stopped bending over backwards to be nice and she got nasty, so what's done is done. It feels alot better now.

Mojisola

Mrs_Optimist wrote: »

That was it - no moral support whatsoever - it was all about her and that irritated me tbh.

I have had her live with us before following the break up of a relationship, I have visited her parent when she was in hospital, went to the funeral of her father, counselled her over numerous breakups of relationships - it just isn't enough for her. Noone can do enough for her or keep her happy it seems, not just me.

She is a very old friend though and we have had lots of fun times, but I cannot satisfy her demands it seems , and nor do I want to now. I have other friends going through crisises of their own which I am helping with, I am a good shoulder to cry on, but none of them make the demands on my time that she does.

I told her that I simply can't be all things to all people all the time, but she said that I was making her feel that she was being unreasonable about the situation. She also seems to think that she is the only friend I have that may need my support.

She is being unreasonable! She's very lucky to have had your support for so many years.

If she can't start to give as well as take, you already know what to do.

LolaLemon

I really feel for you, friendships are hard work, even when they are fun, when u factor in life - work, boyfriends, husband then kids.
It seems that your friend is still stuck in high school mode.

I have a friend that is exactly the same, everything turns into a drama.. from her sleeping with my bf... we became friends again I went to her hen night for her to accuse me of sleeping with the groom to be - I had only met him for abt 30 mins once b4 that...... I still went to the wedding months later, as she apologised (sp).... I went as I she is a nice person, she just has some problems... I took a step back from that friendship, and tbh its the best thing I have done... we still have the same friends, so do meet up at least twice a year, I no longer stress out at how I am going to be blamed for her messing up her life ( she had a affairs, got divorced, has a child to someone else, still has affairs falls out with friends a lot, but now I am not emotional punchbag)

Sometimes we need to let go so we can look back and see the happy times and not end up resenting the time wasted.

Mrs_Optimist

Thank you all for your input. The poster that said my friend was stuck in high school mode is probably right. I have changed a lot in the last year, and particularly in the last 6 months following the premature deaths of two young family members - it has made me realise that life is too short and not to put things off. That was part of the reason for the weekend away with my DH, we had a faboulous time, but she made a conscious effort not to ask me how it went, or wished me a good time, or even appreciated the fact that it was a one off occasion which couldn't be postponed as we had to factor in babysitting the children who remained at home, whereas we could meet up any time, and did when I cam back.

Its her birthday tomorrow and I am debating whether to take her card and present round tomorrow to see her, or just wait until I see her next month when we have a long standing date to meet up. I don't want her to have any more excuse to say how hard done by she is by me, on the other hand I really don't want to see her the mood I am in at the present time. I am pretty annoyed with her and she is already in a vulnerable place and an argument would probably tip her over the edge - as well as ruin her birthday which I would hate to happen.

Mmmm a dilemma...