Would like your advice

make_me_wise

We have some really lovely neighbours around us, mainly retired couples. They are the salt of the earth types who would do anything for anybody.

One couple in particular made us very welcome when we moved in. They looked after our house for us when we were away. If we have had trouble with our cars they asked if we needed shopping. Always there in an emergency etc.

We found out today that the lovely old lady died suddenly last night. I feel completely choked up about it and am so sad for her poor husband. Just a few weeks back the whole neighbourhood was over at their house celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The gentlemen got home from the hospital earlier on and looks terrible, like the stuffing has been knocked out of him, understandably of course.

Their grown up children are with him right now. His daughter popped across and asked if we would mind looking out for him and phoning her if we were worried. Of course we agreed. His son and daughter are staying with him for a week or so I think.

I have a freezer full of homemade meals that I had prepared for dh and I. There would easily be enough for 3 to share a portion if they added some extra veg/salad.

I dont want to interfere with their grieving and need for privacy. Do you think it would be okay to knock on the door and hand over some meals for them. I am going off to do a weekly shop later and thought of asking if they need any provisions. I was thinking if I do this now then I could continue this when the couples children go and the lovely old man wont think that we think he cant cope. Which wouldn't be the case at all, but things can be misconstrude.

How much help is just right, and how much is too much? How would you feel?

crazyguy

I would not worry about the meals for a few days , but maybe buy milk, tea, coffee, suger and bread for now !

Darlyd

That is a wonderful suggestion. BUT I would not do it just yet, wait for a few more days, But do pop over to see him and tell him you are there for him.

A client I go too, his Wife invitess their elderly neighbour in for Sunday dinner every Sunday since he lost his wife. And she pops in every couple of days to check if he needs any shopping when she goes. (they been neighbours for 50 years).

Poor bloke, Must be so difficult for him. My thoughts are with you all..

Mojisola

make_me_wise wrote: »

I dont want to interfere with their grieving and need for privacy. Do you think it would be okay to knock on the door and hand over some meals for them. I am going off to do a weekly shop later and thought of asking if they need any provisions. I was thinking if I do this now then I could continue this when the couples children go and the lovely old man wont think that we think he cant cope. Which wouldn't be the case at all, but things can be misconstrude.

How much help is just right, and how much is too much? How would you feel?

That sounds a good idea. Practical help is always good but don't be upset if they refuse - they won't be thinking straight at the moment.

The worst thing that can happen when someone dies is that people get embarrassed and won't talk to the bereaved. One of the best things you could do for your neighbour will be to let him talk about his wife and share happy memories of her with him.

CRANKY40

When my husband died, if my friends hadn't fed me I wouldn't have eaten.

BitterAndTwisted

I'd wait until his family have gone back home. He won't need any company or offers of meals until then.

Emmzi

That's really kind of you. You do need to keep a wee balance between his life and your life though so I'd go careful in case you have him for tea every night forever

Right now I bet what he would like most of all is a letter from you with some memories of his wife to make him remember her and smile. His family will be doing many practical things. You can help with that when they are away.

Nicki

I think that would be a nice thing to do. I wouldn't worry about invading their privacy, as you are not going in for a chat. I'd knock and hand over one meal, and if you haven't done it already I'd also give the daughter your phone number so if she is worried about dad after she has gone home she can phone and speak to you.

We haven't had a bereavement thankfully, but our youngest was very poorly when he was born and was taken into hospital for a week when he was 4 weeks old with me as I was breastfeeding, leaving OH to look after ds1 and dd who has severe learning difficulties. Without being asked, some friends brought family meals round for a few days as soon as they found out, and it was the most thoughtful and most appreciated thing anyone has ever done for us!

Nicki

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I'd wait until his family have gone back home. He won't need any company or offers of meals until then.

The children might also not be feeling much up to cooking though the day after their mum has died.

A meal today, then a few after the kids have left would I suspect be much appreciated.

make_me_wise

I think you are all correct about leaving him be with his family for the moment. I will keep back some nice meals in the freezer for when his children go home and offer them to him then. I know his wife was a fantastic cook and did it all herself so I worry he may not eat properly by himself. My cooking wont be a scratch on hers but I can but offer hey.

I think I will just knock on their door later and ask if they need any basics from the supermarket. Wouldn't feel right for them to see me come back laden with shopping and for them to be short of anything. They have enough on their plates right now without the need to trapes round Asda.

I dont want to ask them this so am putting this question out on here; we have been friends with this couple for years, we want to send a condolence card but what happens about flowers for the funeral? Do you only give flowers if you are invited to the funeral? Ive not been in this position before, only family and friends of the family have died before. Im not sure what the etiquette is when it comes to neighbours you are close to.

Darlyd

You can send flowers if required. OR they may ask for a donation. ? When my FIL passed away, MIL put in the paper family and close friend to attend BUT all donations to go to the cancer ward in the local hospital. I would wait and see if they put anything in the paper. Or if you know anyone else that may know you could ask?