DreamerHelen's New Diary - "Ad Astra per Aspera"

PestoPasta

Thanks PSOandProud for letting us know that we are being 'had' and wasting our time.

Bye bye Helen, whoever you are. I hope that you do manage to sort your life out, but unfortunately, I do not feel able to support you any more.

Mara_uk7

Helen, never feel you have to lie to us. Its your life, youre only cheating yourself. I am very sad about ths, i thought we were friends.

This "person" has only shown themselves to be spiteful in interfering in what basically is none of heir business, however maybe inadvertantly they have given you he boot up the bum that we tried to do.

Not gonna be online much as no wi fi in the apartment, but i will be thinking about you and whether I can trust what you say anymore.

Im hurt.

DreamerHelen

PestoPasta wrote: »

Thanks PSOandProud for letting us know that we are being 'had' and wasting our time.

Bye bye Helen, whoever you are. I hope that you do manage to sort your life out, but unfortunately, I do not feel able to support you any more.

I think that is fair enough....I'm so sorry and I wish you all the best.

Shovel_Lad

I haven't been posting on your thread for a while, but that doesn't mean I stopped reading your thread.

The reason why I haven't posted was that I was essentially warned off posting my opinions and analysis of your work by "one of your Biggest Supporters" via PM threatening that they would get your diary locked if I continued. I won't go in to the detail of the PMs I received because the rules of MSE forbid the discussion of them in a public thread but they were very clear on this.

I decided at the time that I would prefer you to continue to have the medium of your diary to allow people to offer the support that you so obviously need and crave and so I didn't post again until now.

But I have still analysed the data you have been providing, and anyone would have to be blind not to see that the figures did not add up. Neither your stated work hours nor sums received. I did hold out the belief that you were mistaken, but, quite frankly, I have been disappointed in you for some time now.

At the risk of getting your diary locked, I will tell you what I think you should do. Not based on platitudes, but on reality. The numbers as you have presented them are not all accurate and will understate the straits you are in. I know you just want people to say "There, there, never mind." But that is not helpful to you, and it is not something I am about to do.

So:

GROW UP.
You are an adult. Act like one, not a 5 year old.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
When you screw up, you only hurt yourself and those around you. Not the people on MSE. If you don't get to grips on your debt, you will end up in jail, and that will not have any effect on the people on MSE, but it will on you and your family.

How much do you owe your Mum? Do you really think she can afford to still be nursemaiding a 35 year old? Do you think she really wants to be? She kept you out of jail not long ago, will she have the resources to do so again when the HMRC come after you again, or the council? Because they will come after you if you don't pay them.

It makes no difference to me if you tell me that you are paying her, because I can tell from the figures that you are not. You simply do not earn enough each week to do so. Even including your tax credits. And I know you haven't been paying all the other things you say you have, because, again, the sums don't add up.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
Even if you can't be with the people on MSE. No-one says you can't lie on the internet. No-one says you can't pretend to be someone you are not. People think I am a man, based on my username. It serves me to let them think that sometimes, but I know what I am, I don't lie to myself. You need to stop doing it.

STOP SEEKING APPROVAL FROM RANDOM PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET.
My approval, or anyone else's here means nothing. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you don't want to face up to your dire situation, don't. If you don't want to work, don't. It makes no difference to me. We don't have any debts, our home is fully paid for, we own a posh car and go on luxury cruise holidays when we want to. That won't change if you don't want to work.

GET YOURSELF A PROPER JOB.
Your "job" does not earn enough money to sustain you. Do you actually know how much you earn (even taking account your "tweaked" figures)? Well, I can tell you. Over the past 5 weeks you earned, on average, £5.24 an hour. That is so far below minimum wage that it is not funny.

If you want to hit your £500 total that you say is the minimum you need to earn each week to pay your way (It isn't, you need more, but I'll let that slide) you need to work 95 hours. Each and every week. EACH AND EVERY WEEK. It simply isn't achievable. And even if you did it, you would still only be treading water.

And don't say you need a job to work around college. You are not on a full time course. You are on a course designed to be fitted in around work. Most people manage it. If you can't then perhaps the course isn't for you.

DON'T SET TARGETS YOU CAN NEVER MEET.
Just because you think people want to see that. They don't care. Oh, and don't spend silly money buying things you don't need when you can't afford to, like special money boxes for your various "challenges". Seriously, use a jam jar or something.
I could buy a hundred terramundis if I wanted to, but even I use a coffee jar to save pennies in.

BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF.
Yes, I know I've said that already. But the only person that can help you is you. And you need serious help. Don't make up stories about why StepChange can't help you; they help people in worse positions than you every day and you need them. You have "tried it your way" for the last 4 years at least: it doesn't work. Be honest with yourself and be honest with them and take their advice. The longer you delude yourself, the deeper the hole. If they say you need an IVA or to go bankrupt, then you really do.


I could say more, but I won't. I've spent too much time trying to get you to understand the position that you are in. It should be clear to even the most deluded person by now. If it isn't then it never will be. I don't want to see you in jail or in distress, but that is what is going to happen if you don't pull your finger out soon.

I don't care that you lied to me, and the other people that read your thread, I really don't. The internet is not real life, no-one truly cares here. If you want to lie to your family and friends then that is up to you, I know none of them so it has no impact. And most importantly lying to yourself only hurts you.

DreamerHelen

Mara_uk7 wrote: »

Helen, never feel you have to lie to us. Its your life, youre only cheating yourself. I am very sad about ths, i thought we were friends.

This "person" has only shown themselves to be spiteful in interfering in what basically is none of heir business, however maybe inadvertantly they have given you he boot up the bum that we tried to do.

Not gonna be online much as no wi fi in the apartment, but i will be thinking about you and whether I can trust what you say anymore.

Im hurt.

I can understand you being hurt and I feel so bad that I was the one to hurt you....particularly when you have done nothing but try to Support me....

I can only start from the beginning....try to get people to trust me again....

Here's how it is.

Today I worked from 6am until 7am and then went back to bed....I have done no more Work today....

I am not sure whether to disappear....what is the point in carrying on with this Diary? It is just full of my being disappointing and letting myself and other people down....

I am so sorry everyone....

I don't know yet whether I will continue this Diary....start another one or just give up posting on MSE altogether....I think there is some serious soul-searching needed...

DreamerHelen

Thank You Shovel Lad....I appreciate your words....

I care that I lied to the people on here....I really do....but you're right in what you say - I DO put a lot of stock in what other people think of me and maybe I shouldn't....

I will mull over the other things you have said....

DreamerHelen

I am going to ask this Thread to be locked - Even if some of you decide to forgive me and accept me back into your Lives this Thread is NOT what I want to remember and look back on....I am ashamed of how little I have grown in the past few Years.

For those of you who wish to stay in contact please feel free to PM me.

I shall decide at a later point whether to start a New, more honest Diary, but right now I think I need to take a break and really take stock of my Life and I don't think I can do it on here right now.

Many Thanks for ALL of those that have chosen to Support me over the Years and particularly these last few months. I wish you all the best....And I hope I WILL see you at some point in the future, I'm not burning my bridges in terms of this Place, I think I just need a break....and need to seriously think about my Life.

Many Thanks Again, Helen.

Buffythedebtslayer

Helen,

Just be grateful it happened here, on the internet, ok no doubt your "job website" it might be difficult but I am guessing you don't have to post there either. You can carry on in the real world, all of us make mistakes and lie and part of the experience when we get found out is to pick up and start again.


We really only get one life on this tiny planet hurtling through space and time, you can start again and do things DIFFERENTLY this time.

Best of luck

xx

DreamerHelen

Thank You Buffy, I appreciate your Words....x

dawnybabes

The only person you have cheated s yourself and you just can't afford that !

Ive said before you need to get a job in the real world, not fantasy land. The earnings are too sporadic and you need willpower to log on every day and every min. I couldn't do it. Meeting real people would do you the world of good and help your self esteem (and be better paid - with holiday pay and stuff)


Don't run away, turn the page and start a new chapter, a new you.