A 'what would you do' thread...

Kili

Well, apologetic son has returned home and has been told in no uncertain terms that should he speak to me like that again he'll be out on his ear. As for OH, not heard anything from him since a series of emails last night, the extracts of which are below:

I will not be apologising to you over any of this. You were in the wrong and your actions led to this happening. I offered a last ditch solution to allow us all to go out together but you wouldn't back down over anything. I knew you were spoiling for an argument and you went about insulting DS for no reason. That was why he reacted and quite frankly I'm only surprised he hasn't responded to you in a similar way before now.

So it was my fault that he spoke to me in that way and OH is no way in the wrong. DS and I argue very rarely, we were both in the wrong and I have admitted to DS that things got carried away, however, that is no excuse for his language. In terms of I 'wouldnt back down' I really didn't want to go. It would have been uncomfortable in the extreme and I did explain this, quite calmly.

will not stand by you if you're completely in the wrong and that's what you were. I believe in fairness and showing respect, neither of which you seem to understand our live by. I feel sorry for you and hope you realise before it's too late and you find you've lost everything

Again, he does not think his actions were wrong. I admitted I was wrong, DS has admitted he was out of order but once again OH seems to want to make this entirely my fault. To be honest that annoyed me greatly. In terms of 'what I have lost' I still feel very much that the only thing I have lost is a large portion of my life to a man who has little respect for me.

I woke up this morning feeling quite determined that I will not be treated in this way by anyone, least of all my Husband. He can stay away and sulk and blame me forever and a day but it still does not change the basic fact that he was happy to not only stand there while our son spoke to me like that but to then side with him and reward him for it.

aliasojo

thatgirlsam wrote: »

He might well have had words to that effect with his son by now - just because it wasn't instant doesn't have to mean that he approves

I usually agree with your posts sam but I don't this time.

I think the lad's outburst warranted an immediate response. Talking about it later (if they did) lessens the seriousness of the situation imo.

Whatever the rights and wrongs were, telling someone 'F you' is just not on and the Dad has done the lad no favours by letting it go, never mind his OH.

It's my belief that the most respectful kids come from homes where all parties sing from the same sheet. As soon as one parent lets something go, the chink is there for the young person to exploit. I don't even think they do it deliberately as such but I do think it's nature for young lads especially, to take advantage of this weakness in the chain of discipline. < Bit of a flowery/dramatic term but I can't for the life of me come up with another description of what I mean. :rotfl:

Kili

aliasojo wrote: »

I usually agree with your posts sam but I don't this time.

I think the lad's outburst warranted an immediate response. Talking about it later (if they did) lessens the seriousness of the situation imo.

Whatever the rights and wrongs were, telling someone 'F you' is just not on and the Dad has done the lad no favours by letting it go, never mind his OH.

It's my belief that the most respectful kids come from homes where all parties sing from the same sheet. As soon as one parent lets something go, the chink is there for the young person to exploit. I don't even think they do it deliberately as such but I do think it's nature for young lads especially, to take advantage of this weakness in the chain of discipline. < Bit of a flowery/dramatic term but I can't for the life of me come up with another description of what I mean. :rotfl:

I think thats what bothers me the most. Whether he spoke to him later or not is irrelevant, the moment has long passed and it needed an instant reaction from OH not a chat over a curry and a pint.

At no point in this have I said I wasn't at fault, the 'blame' so to speak is apportioned between all 3 of us who were all grumpy and argumentative and out of the 3 of us 2 of us have held up our hands and said we were wrong. The third one is quite happily burying his head in the sand and hiding away at his Mothers simply because she is the only person who will agree with his actions.

IMO he is a coward at best.

smartpicture

Kili wrote: »

Well, apologetic son has returned home and has been told in no uncertain terms that should he speak to me like that again he'll be out on his ear. As for OH, not heard anything from him since a series of emails last night, the extracts of which are below:

It was wrong of your DS to swear, and wrong of your OH not to immediately react to it. But I can't help feeling there was a lot more to the incident than you're admitting to for your OH to say you insulted DS to the point where swearing was understandable, and for him to say you never show fairness or respect.

I'm wondering whether your obvious unhappiness in the relationship and internal resentment is coming out in other ways. I know if I have unexpressed resentments I often come across as generally !!!!!y, moody and completely unreasonable over little things because really I'm reacting to the big things that are wrong that are not getting talked about or sorted.

Kili

smartpicture wrote: »

It was wrong of your DS to swear, and wrong of your OH not to immediately react to it. But I can't help feeling there was a lot more to the incident than you're admitting to for your OH to say you insulted DS to the point where swearing was understandable, and for him to say you never show fairness or respect.

I'm wondering whether your obvious unhappiness in the relationship and internal resentment is coming out in other ways. I know if I have unexpressed resentments I often come across as generally !!!!!y, moody and completely unreasonable over little things because really I'm reacting to the big things that are wrong that are not getting talked about or sorted.

Thats the bit that confused me because I certainly wasn't being insulting to DS, I think my words were something like "I don't really wan't to go out with you sulking and him (DS) huffing and puffing", certainly not what I'd deem to be insulting, especially as both observations were correct and DS had been huffing, puffing and stomping round (as only teenagers can).

As I said before DS and I usually get on famously, we occasionally have words (and I mean VERY occasionally) but for the most part we are quite close. I've been nagging him a little recently as he has developed a stomach ulcer and I have been trying to get him to change his diet, and specifically his alcohol intake to give his tablets a chance to work but DS does realise that this is for his health and not just me being funny with him.

I hold my hands up and admit I was in the wrong, as has DS, however as I said before OH will not admit to any wrongdoing at all in this despite the fact he was as nasty as the rest of us.

CH27

Is everything resolved between you & your son now?

teabag29

Kili wrote: »

I hold my hands up and admit I was in the wrong, as has DS, however as I said before OH will not admit to any wrongdoing at all in this despite the fact he was as nasty as the rest of us.

So where does this leave you and your husband?

Kili

CH27 wrote: »

Is everything resolved between you & your son now?

Yes, DS is very apologetic and actually passed the comment that he understood why I was mad at OH and he should have said something there and then. He tells me once he had calmed down and thought about it he realised he had gone too far. Apparently OH did tell him he shouldn't have spoken to me like that, but as I suspected he told him over a pint and food which is still unacceptable to me.

teabag29 wrote: »

So where does this leave you and your husband?

In all honesty, I don't know. I know I don't especially like him at present and I certainly don't want to be around him. my current line of thought is to try and keep the house on myself and let him stay with his Mummy.
I really don't think I want to continue in this relationship anymore.

jakes-mum

Im so glad your DS apologised for his rudeness Shows his maturity, he just had to calm down to realise he went a step to far.

Hope you come to a conclusion with your OH, be it having it out with him, going it alone or bumping along as you are. We have no idea what he's been like all these years, whether this is one bad trait in a relatively nice bloke or if he a bit of an !!! all round. You know the answer and your decision will come from there. Hugs to you x

Vik

I am in complete agreement that your DS was totally out of order and can only echo the fact that if I spoke to my Mom like that my Dad would tear me a new one!

However, this doesn't appear to be the main problem here, especially as your DS has now apologized (and hopefully meant it). Your OH's attitude towards you is disgraceful. He is painting you black in his e-mail in order to try and justify his lack of action and blame it on you. Whatever the argument was about and no matter who was in the wrong your DS's language should have been enough to halt all proceedings and for you and your OH to come together to let him know that behavior is unacceptable.

I have been in a similar situation to you with regards to my partner failing to stand up for me and I know how much it hurts. I am still with him, but still remember that incident and to be honest, I do worry that something similar to this may happen in the future (although not with a DS/DD as I have no children). He does sometimes seem to relish it when I am "knocked down a peg" and it is a worrying trend. I think your partner was wrong to not support you and is now trying to justify his appalling behaviour.

I hope he is a bit more contrite next time you see him, if not I really think you have to have a serious talk with him.