A 'what would you do' thread...

justmel

I have a son who is almost 18 and if he had spoken to me like that there is absolutely no way my husband would have taken him out for a meal!

I am capable of dealing with the teenage strops and have done many times over the years but i would see being taken for a meal as a reward and complete disregard of my feelings too,he would have been told to sort out his own meal for the night and until he apologised there would be no cooking or cleaning for him.

Live in my home,respect my rules and if they can't be respected move out,i hope your son apologises to you and maybe the next family meal can be cooked by him too.

marywooyeah

Kili wrote: »

Many many years ago whilst we were out I was abused by a lad for the way I looked, OH stood back and said not a word. I've never forgiven him for that and I'll carry that with me forever. The fact that he was willing to stand back while someone hurled abuse at me then, and then has done it yet again tonight from our own son disappoints me and sickens me to be honest.

So tell me ladies, if your son had spoken to you like that, even if you were as much in the wrong as they, what would your other halves do?

the whole situation sounds awful, and I would feel the same as you if I were in it.
this really stood out to me though, I can't believe he just stood there whilst someone made you feel that way! I'm not surprised you haven't forgotten it.
my husband is a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation and has stood there silently a couple of times when I've had arguments with people and its always bothered me too.

I really think you need to have it out with both of them and emphasise that you're not a doormat and its completely unacceptable to speak to you that way. If thats how your son is going to react when you are deciding to take him out for a treat then you won't treat him anymore - that should get him to open up a bit.
so sorry that you've had such a hard time x

thatgirlsam

Melonade wrote: »

At 18 years old it's only the "teen" part of eighteen that classes him as a teenager. Really he is an adult and should of outgrown the excuses of "it's a phase"

I think we all know that the majority of 18 year old lads are still fairly immature

Bid difference between the guys and the girls at that age

I totally agree that is is indeed unnacceptable and the OP needs to talk to her son - Although if your 18 year old saying a swear word to you is the worst thing they do she hasn't done a too bad job so far!

MrsE_2

Kili wrote: »

Many many years ago whilst we were out I was abused by a lad for the way I looked, OH stood back and said not a word. I've never forgiven him for that and I'll carry that with me forever. The fact that he was willing to stand back while someone hurled abuse at me then, and then has done it yet again tonight from our own son disappoints me and sickens me to be honest.

That is not the actions of a husband, unless he's the biggest coward ever & even then its horrible.

You husband is not behaving as he should. However I'm surprised that your son at 18 doesn't know right from wrong himself & instead of being lead by his father should realise his father is wrong.

sazzybum

My boys are now 19 and 24, and even in the middle of a big row-they have never-and would NEVER speak to me like that in anger. They know they would get a clout round the ear swift style..(although I would need a ladder as they're both 6 ft 4, and I'm a tooty)

Sometimes if I'm sounding off about something trivial to my partner, my oldest will roll his eyes, shake his head and say 'oh mother, stop being such a b*tch'..which makes me laugh-because I usually AM being an unreasonable b*tch.

I don't know-the family dynamic seems to be a bit off here. Does your husband get verbally abusive? Has he and your son always been 'boys together' against you? Do you always look to your husband (or indeed your son) as a 'protector' instead of sticking up for yourself?

I also find it a bit odd that you still resent him for an incident that happened a long time ago. Yes it would have been horrible at the time, but not forgiven him yet? Hmm.

Hope it get's sorted though OP and you get your apology..:)

delain

Kili wrote: »

Ahh now according to OH IM supposed to be the one apologising to DS!!!!

:eek::eek:

Now my OH is as stubborn as a mule and my kids are younger... but if any of them swore at me at any age they'd get short shrift from him even if he was angry with me too! He hates it when they are disrespectful to me (often triggered by visits to absent Dad/Ex-MIL) and won't have it.

He's not shy of telling me if he thinks I'm in the wrong, but he'd never encourage that sort of behaviour.

That said you do seem very hung up on this incident from years ago, if someone had tried to be nasty to me when out I'd have brushed it off or answered back and then forgotten about it! I wouldn't have expected OH to intervene, although I doubt anyone would yell at me if I was next to him since he looks like he could throw a car. lol. But I was bullied at school and am used to that sort of thing, must be more difficult if you weren't.

newcook

Im 30 and I would still never dream of using that language around my mom! If ever I was repeating something that someone said with that word in the sentence I replace it with ‘eff’.

I use the full word around friends but would never disrespect my mother by telling her to eff off!

Bennifred

thatgirlsam wrote: »

He might well have had words to that effect with his son by now - just because it wasn't instant doesn't have to mean that he approves

Maybe he was trying to diffuse the situation instead of wading in with his 2p's worth

He could well have taken the opportunity by now to speak to his son and tell him its not acceptable

Obviously I don't know, I am just supposing, but don't think a man should be condemned the minute he doesn't behave as his wife thinks he should

We all react differently to confrontation and arguments

You are obviously a lot more tolerant than I am! :cool:
However it has been my experience (Three sons and work with teenagers in a secondary school) that sometimes an instant response to very bad behaviour, and all adults present being very obviously onside with that response, can be more effective than not.

poorly_scammo

I'm 33 and if I'd spoken like that to my mum, not only would I have been seriously boll0cked by her, my father would have torn a strip off me.

For me the issue here isn't that the son has sworn really. It's the fact that the OP's husband did not support his wife. As others have mentioned, presenting a united front is all important and this family relationship sounds incredibly dysfunctional.

I feel very sorry for the OP and tbh I'd kick them both out.

make_me_wise

I can understand you being very upset by this. We dont know what went on to cause such ill feeling between you all. Whatever it was though, I dont think it is on for anyone to speak to someone else, the way your son spoke to you. As parents I think your OH should have shown a united front with you and told your son in no uncertain terms that his language was not acceptable. To ignore it, then take him out for a meal is insulting to you.

Dont let this drop, have it out with them. Otherwise I feel the resentment that will build from not sorting this out could be the final nail in the coffin for your relationship.