A 'what would you do' thread...

thatgirlsam

Kili wrote: »

I'd have been happier if we deferred to tomorrow but I would have understood if they had gone without me, that part didn't bother me. What does bother me is when DS can speak to me like that then OH takes him out for a beer and a meal. Nice reward for being abusive.

Had shoe been on other foot DS would have been back in the house before his feet touched the ground and wouldn't have been treated to anything but a lecture in respect.

As for OH, he supports me when it suits I suppose. There were words between him and DD a few weeks ago which resulted in DD throwing her iphone across the room in temper (shes 14). I picked up iPhone and said 'sorry, if you have no respect for the things you have you are not having them' and went to confiscate it. OH barrels in with 'give it her back! I'm dealing with this!' which completely undermined me.

And yes, she kept the phone. :mad:

Maybe he thought you were undermining him when you stepped into his arguement with her

I don't know mate, family politics can be a minefield

If things usually run smoothly I would probably not make a big deal out of the swearing but still have a word with him and tell him you do not want to be spoken too like that - He is welcome to have a problem with you but needs to talk to you without abusive language

I would expect him to apologise to you for his language and I am sure he will do.. teens can be hard work!

Brighton_belle

thatgirlsam wrote: »

But then you can't blame them if they went out without you?

Well I would - it is inconscieveable for me that the OP's husband would reward his son for using offensive language to his wife.

thatgirlsam

And I do agree with pigpen - learn to stand up for yourself, do not expect your husband to step in as he obviously won't!

Jesswithwings

My dad would have kicked my butt from here to kingdom come. I'm in my 30s now and I'd never dare speak to my mum like that.

Do you feel supported and respected, generally speaking? Cos I think this runs deeper than one meal and one teenage outburst. Could you sit down with your OH, in a day or 2 when the inital emotions have settled down and tell him that you feel he needs to support you and that you wouldnt let DS talk to him like that so why would he let him talk to you the same way?

thatgirlsam

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Well I would - it is inconscieveable for me that the OP's husband would reward his son for using offensive language to his wife.

It is not a reward - the meal was already planned and the OP backed out, which is her right, but she can't expect the whole family to go along with what she decides at the last minute!

Kili

thatgirlsam wrote: »

And I do agree with pigpen - learn to stand up for yourself, do not expect your husband to step in as he obviously won't!

Oh definitely. And when he shows his face tomorrow he will be told. I'm fuming with him I really am.

Jesswithwings wrote: »

My dad would have kicked my butt from here to kingdom come. I'm in my 30s now and I'd never dare speak to my mum like that.

Do you feel supported and respected, generally speaking? Cos I think this runs deeper than one meal and one teenage outburst. Could you sit down with your OH, in a day or 2 when the inital emotions have settled down and tell him that you feel he needs to support you and that you wouldnt let DS talk to him like that so why would he let him talk to you the same way?

Truthfully? No not really. I guess if I'm honest and look right the way back he's never really defended me as such. I recall when one of the kids was small his Mother calling me 'wicked' for not allowing sweets before meals. It went on for a week or two and he said nothing, in the end it was me that blew up over it and demanded she not speak about me like that.

I suppose I'm of that old fashioned ilk that believe a husband should defend his wife. My Father would defend my Mum to the hilt with anyone and I guess I just wanted OH to step in and say "Do not talk to your Mum like that". The fact that he got in the car and took him out for a meal hurts me beyond belief and seems to condone the behaviour.

I dont know what to think anymore tbh.

Brighton_belle

thatgirlsam wrote: »

It is not a reward - the meal was already planned and the OP backed out, which is her right, but she can't expect the whole family to go along with what she decides at the last minute!

Well, yes it was planned, but I would expect that plan to be cancelled once the DS had spoken to his mother like that.
And I don't see it as desiring the DH to do the diciplining for her, but its about not standing aside with total disinterest when the person you supposedly love and cherish as your partner has been spoken to abusively.

Jesswithwings

:(Oh hun, it sounds like you need to have a real heart to heart with him. Parenting things in particular should be done with a united front, but as his wife he should be supportive (I dont mean let you have your way all the time, but he should encourage you and you should be able to count on him to back you up on important stuff) Don't challenge him tonight, if he's anything like my OH he won't react to emotion so you need to let the dust settle a bit and then calmly tell him that you felt he should have at least stepped in and told DS that was an inappropriate way of talking to you.

Hope you'll be ok xx

pigpen

So you tell DS when he gets back as well..

And tomorrow. take yourself off out for dinner.. seeing as they dont want to gow ith you.. go without them... simples!

I wouldnt expect my OH to back me up.. though I have twice rang KH to et him onside about stuff with the children.. well.. DS2 actually.. he headbutted me in the face while I was pg last summer.. and I did it right back! and earlier this year he laid into DD2.. now while I realise siblings squabbles happen I wont have an amost full grown male hitting his younger sister... and I absolutely will not stand any kind of violence to myself.. so I spoke to his father about it and demanded he backed me up and spoke to him about the rights and wrongs of hitting females, he has difficulties but that is still no excuse..

I refused to speak to him or acknowledge him until he apologised for his behaviour.

thatgirlsam

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Well, yes it was planned, but I would expect that plan to be cancelled once the DS had spoken to his mother like that.
And I don't see it as desiring the DH to do the diciplining for her, but its about not standing aside with total disinterest when the person you supposedly love and cherish as your partner has been spoken too abusively.

Teenagers do and say all sorts of stupid things - Maybe the dad thought it would be better for them to remove themselves from the situation - who knows, maybe he took the opportunity to have words with the son while they were out?

I don't see that anyone needs tp play the victim in this sitaution

It sounds like a family arguement that got a bit out of hand and definilty the son needs to know he shouldn't speak to his mum like that but punishing him like a child probably will not work at his age!