Ex & DD's Birthday

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Some of you may rmember the issue's I was having with my ex and his gf. For those that dont - quick brief:

Me and ex broke up, ex was having DD at weekeneds. Ex met girlfriend, contacted started to slow down, Ex moves in with GF, DD stays over night, ex lets DD sleep on floor, GF admitted not wanting DD around (She has a child - now see's ex as "daddy") I seek solicitor to get set access times etc. Ex doesnt respond - Hasnt been interested in DD, hasnt seen her since December, Does pay maintainence through CSA but claims earn less than he does (He has gauranteed OT - Knew i was going to CSA so halted overtime for 3 months, provided basic timesheets and CSA wont look into it)

ANYWAY fast forward to today

DD turns 4 in a few months, Planning a party etc. Ex has got wind of this (thanks mutual friend who will now NOT be getting told anything!!!!!)

Ex is asking about seeing DD. I've asked if this will be regular "no" was the reply.

Part of me is thinking he should see her, its her birthday, I know she will be happy

BUT

When she realises he isnt coming again until it suits him, she will be devastated.

She doesnt ask after Ex, she used to, but stopped a while ago. Am i wrong for saying he really shouldnt see her if it isnt regular? On flip side - How would i know he WOULD stick to seeing her? he might just say it to get access for one day then not bother . . .

What to do?

clearingout

Oh hun, going through the same. Ex disappeared after Xmas, phoned on the eldest's birthday and then out of the blue, I got a letter 4 weeks ago demanding he takes them on holiday for 10 day. I took it to a solicitor as I currently qualify for legal aid and it's gone nuclear. I have said yes to contact but want an address, don't want them to come into contact with the girlfriend (who has previously hit them and who the ex told them they would never have to see again - and he was stupid enough to do that in front of me LOL!) and want him to re-establish contact with our youngest (not quite 2 - so not seen dad now for over 1/4 of his life) prior to overnights.

Honestly? I would allow contact. I would allow him to have his moment of glory and I would put up with the fall out. The reason I say that is because our children have a right to know their fathers, warts and all, and however hard it is that they are continually let down, they have to learn that life is like that and dad is responsible for that behaviour. They will soon learn what to expect (nothing at all!) and take the good times when they can and ignore the rest. They will learn that you are always there for them, doing your best, and clearing up his flippin' mess. In my opinion, this is preferable to the children never learning what dad is like, having him on some kind of pedestal which he never falls off because they don't learn the 'real' him.

Hope that helps. It sucks, I agree!

make_me_wise

I admire you clearingout. It must be very difficult for a good parent like yourself to see how your ex treats your children and have to deal with the distress and anxiety his actions cause. Cant be easy. Your children will thank you for it one day though I am sure.

marywooyeah

that does sound tricky. I'd say to him you either see her regularly or not at all as its not fair on her to not know whether he's coming or going. It's got to be one or the other he can't just keep flitting in and out, sounds like the gf is a big influence on him which is really sad - what man wouldnt want to see their child?
Either way it all needs to be in writing, and tbh I'd steer more towards not coming to the party in case an argument kicks off or her lets her down and spoils her birthday.

meritaten

go ahead, invite him to birthday party. say NOTHING to your daughter. if he turns up its a surprise and a bonus. if he doesnt then she is none the wiser and not disappointed.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

clearingout wrote: »

Oh hun, going through the same. Ex disappeared after Xmas, phoned on the eldest's birthday and then out of the blue, I got a letter 4 weeks ago demanding he takes them on holiday for 10 day. I took it to a solicitor as I currently qualify for legal aid and it's gone nuclear. I have said yes to contact but want an address, don't want them to come into contact with the girlfriend (who has previously hit them and who the ex told them they would never have to see again - and he was stupid enough to do that in front of me LOL!) and want him to re-establish contact with our youngest (not quite 2 - so not seen dad now for over 1/4 of his life) prior to overnights.

Honestly? I would allow contact. I would allow him to have his moment of glory and I would put up with the fall out. The reason I say that is because our children have a right to know their fathers, warts and all, and however hard it is that they are continually let down, they have to learn that life is like that and dad is responsible for that behaviour. They will soon learn what to expect (nothing at all!) and take the good times when they can and ignore the rest. They will learn that you are always there for them, doing your best, and clearing up his flippin' mess. In my opinion, this is preferable to the children never learning what dad is like, having him on some kind of pedestal which he never falls off because they don't learn the 'real' him.

Hope that helps. It sucks, I agree!

I don't have an issue with contact - it would be nice to have a break lol - but I just wish it would be regular :-( dd is 4 on her bday, not sure she will understand the whole "lifes harsh" just yet but Ty for the reply, gave me some things to think about

POPPYOSCAR

clearingout wrote: »

Oh hun, going through the same. Ex disappeared after Xmas, phoned on the eldest's birthday and then out of the blue, I got a letter 4 weeks ago demanding he takes them on holiday for 10 day. I took it to a solicitor as I currently qualify for legal aid and it's gone nuclear. I have said yes to contact but want an address, don't want them to come into contact with the girlfriend (who has previously hit them and who the ex told them they would never have to see again - and he was stupid enough to do that in front of me LOL!) and want him to re-establish contact with our youngest (not quite 2 - so not seen dad now for over 1/4 of his life) prior to overnights.

Honestly? I would allow contact. I would allow him to have his moment of glory and I would put up with the fall out. The reason I say that is because our children have a right to know their fathers, warts and all, and however hard it is that they are continually let down, they have to learn that life is like that and dad is responsible for that behaviour. They will soon learn what to expect (nothing at all!) and take the good times when they can and ignore the rest. They will learn that you are always there for them, doing your best, and clearing up his flippin' mess. In my opinion, this is preferable to the children never learning what dad is like, having him on some kind of pedestal which he never falls off because they don't learn the 'real' him.

Hope that helps. It sucks, I agree!

I think you are so right here.

Also it can never be said at some future date that he tried to see her but mummy wouldn't let him - then you become the baddie.

Sambucus_Nigra

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I've asked if this will be regular "no" was the reply.

What does he say when you say 'why not?' at this stage?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Both and he and gf spoilt her 3rd party with arguments - I know he doesn't know where party is which is a bonus. Yes unfortunately the gf is an influence. One other thing annoying me is they are getting married (fine about that!) The gf's daughter is a bridesmaid - yet our dd isn't invited :-(

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I've kept the solicitors letters to show I tried to get here access so he can try and say I stopped him but will fall on his !!!! lol. He doesn't give a reason for no regular contact but I know the gfs dd goes away Friday night, they go out partying etc all weekend and are home Sunday evening for the child. Obviously if the had our dd it would impact theory lives a lot (though!)

pigpen

Children have a right to know their father.. once they are old enough to understand (they are useless wastes of atoms) and make up their own mind.. forcing them to have these dead beat useless pieces of dung on their little innocent emotions and minds is just cruel.. they stand to be messed about and fobbed off and ignored and possibly mistreated by the new partners.. It is abusive at best. At 4 I would say he can come to her party and not tell her.. as a previous poster suggested.. if he turns up she probably wouldn't recognise him, but it would be a nice surprise.. if not, she wasn't expecting him so wouldn't be upset.

If KH treated my children like this (he gave up the right to call them OUR children when he decided hitting them for fun was ok) he simply would not be seeing them birthday or no.

I'd say take me to court for contact.. for the simple reason it would cost money he wouldn't want to spend.

I bend over backwards to make sure these see KH as much as possible, change my plans to fit around his.. God knows why.. he is horrible to them and only the 2 little ones are happy to go now and that is only because he lets them do as they please. I will not lie for him.. if he doesn't turn up because something 'better' has come up I tell them what he is doing.. you can imagine how well it went down when I had to tell them he was going to a party so wouldn't be seeing them and when he was supposedly helping someone move house.. they are way down the list of priorities!