Ex & DD's Birthday

marywooyeah

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

One other thing annoying me is they are getting married (fine about that!) The gf's daughter is a bridesmaid - yet our dd isn't invited :-(

ouch thats harsh, although the good side is that your daughter will probably come to realise how bad her dad's behaviour is and not want to have any contact with him if he treats her so flippantly and clearly favours the other girl over her.
sounds like a right !!!!!!!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

See I'm still on the "i don't want to break her heart when he disappears" route. If it was regular I honestly wouldn't mind but 1 day out of 365 in my eyes isn't enough.

She has always been a mummys girl - it would be awful for her to see him favouring another child surely? I don't want her hating the other kid because they may need to get along when their older.
Pigpen - I know you bend over backwards and don't mean this at you - or anyone else - but I don't like the idea of setting her up for upset. I know there's things i can't shield her from,but at 4 it seems cruel. If he does turn up, I know hand on heart it will be one and only time (maybe until Xmas?) I tell her that he works away (part true - but he is home Fri - Mon) she will recognise him as I have her a pic of me and him for her room, its the after math of this 1 visit I'm worried about. She took him leaving badly in the way age started having accidents, this stopped 4 month ago, what if the impact of this one off visit upsets her so much ? I adore being her mum,but this sucks

SpikyHedgehog

While DS1's dad was still seeing him, it got to the stage when I didn't tell DS when dad was meant to come and see him. We'd stay home doing something fun, and if dad turned up, that was a nice surprise, and if he didn't DS wasn't heartbroken. At the time, it worked well - DS was 5 the last time his dad saw him, so he'd have been 2, 3 and 4 over this time.

As DS got older, he started to say 'My dad would have done this or that', and I had to say 'Sweetie, dad said he'd do stuff, but most times it never happened'. At 15, he's sad that his dad has chosen not to have any contact, and would like to know why, but accepts there's nothing any of us can do about it.

I'd be inclined to tell Ex he could come to the party, but not tell your DD. If he comes, that will be a nice surprise for her - but as it's her party, she won't be giving him undivided attention. He'll blend into all the people there.

And if he doesn't turn up, she won't be disappointed.

pigpen

mimi.. I know exactly where you are coming from..

You could just say.. if you want to see her get a proper contact order.. what are the chances of him bothering?

And.. married!?!? Already??? That is so weird!

barbiedoll

Your DD won't be at the party all day so why not tell him that he's perfectly welcome to see her on her birthday, at your house (if you're comfortable with that, of course?) and alone, i.e not with GF. You should specify the time...preferably after the party when DD is tired, possibly a little over-excited and full of cake, chocolate and with an armful of presents. That way, it won't be such a big deal for her and it won't upset her before her party if he decides to play up or start a row.

I would insist on him coming alone though, maybe then you will be able to talk to him and try to stress the importance of regular contact. If he is too busy having a good time at weekends to see his daughter, why can't her see her during the week or on Sunday evenings? Let him know that it upsets her to not see him and ask him why his GF finds the thought of him having contact with his own daughter, so threatening. Don't bother metioning the wedding, your DD will soon be old enough to ask him herself why she wasn't invited, that's when he will start to reap what he has sown. It's such a shame that men treat their children like this and it's a shame that women feel so insecure that they have to stop their boyfriends from seeing their own kids.

I do feel for you and for all mums out there with errant exes. These men should be told to grow a pair and to stop their selfish, ignorant girlfriends telling them when and where they should see their kids. I wouldn't dream of telling my DH how often he should see his kids! He came with "baggage" and I don't feel that I have any right to restrict his access, nor would I give his ex-partner any grief. And I certainly wouldn't tell him that his kids weren't welcome, or that I didn't like them, even if I did think it (which I don't, even though one of them is currently being a real pain!) I just hope OP's ex realises the price he is paying for his weekends of partying.

Talking of parties, I do hope OP and DD thoroughly enjoy theirs!

emsywoo123

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

See I'm still on the "i don't want to break her heart when he disappears" route. If it was regular I honestly wouldn't mind but 1 day out of 365 in my eyes isn't enough.

I will probably be flamed for this but that's ok But I agree. He has clearly told you this is a one of as it suits him. By not allowing this contact, I actually think you are protecting her rather than the "everyone deserves to know their father and learn that they can be disappointing brigade"

At the end of the day, the child is a child. You are her mother and need to do what is right for her in your opinion, as it is you that will have to deal with the fallout.. Different story of course if he was demonstrating decent parental behaviour, but he is not, so why upset this little girl?

Wilma33

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

He doesn't give a reason for no regular contact but I know the gfs dd goes away Friday night, they go out partying etc all weekend and are home Sunday evening for the child.

When is the party? If it's at the weekend then is he likely to come anyway if it will interfer with his partying?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Wilma33 wrote: »

When is the party? If it's at the weekend then is he likely to come anyway if it will interfer with his partying?

This is exactly what I said! :-) party is an all day thing from 10-5 (its at a
Kids theme park) ex knows its on all day but not where. His idea if thinking was to come mid day (lie in after Fri night out - early enough for sat night)

Her birthday is Midweek, he works away so unlikely to be around. Saying that I wouldn't want him at our house as he has been quite nasty in the past.

Not sure why gf is being like it

clearingout

Mimi - girlfriend can't cope with the fact he has a past. So she'll support him (and push him) towards forgetting that past as best he can. It says an awful lot about her but that sadly doesn't help where your daughter and her relationship with her dad are concerned. Leaving your child out as a bridesmaid is about as crappy as it gets - but he'll go along with it 'cos it makes his life easy. When she's bigger, he's going to have to explain that to her. Good luck with that, dad!

I do agree that you shouldn't have to wipe up his mess and deal with the fall out when he doesn't turn up or breaks promises or sees her only once in a blue moon. But you're separated now and unfortunately, things don't seem to work out the way they should or in the best interests of the smallest people. You can hope he wakes up to it one day (and I suspect many do) or you can deal with the here and now. By all means shield her from it - I wouldn't blame you - but there are consequences to that action just as there are consequences to letting him wander in and out of her life when it suits him. Just be 100% sure that you're happy with your actions as at some point, you may well have to justify them to her. I feel much the same - I am stopping a holiday at the moment and am stopping my children from seeing their dad when I could just close my eyes and hope he does the right thing when the girlfriend goes to hit them. But I have been pushed too far, I think, and I am holding my ground as I believe I have a right to protect them from that. There are two possible outcomes as far as I can see - the children will understand why I did what I did or they won't. And I'll have to deal with the consequences if they don't!

newcook

What an @rse!!! I think Im in the camp of let him come but don’t tell DD – I would also tell him that his gf isn’t welcome – they already ruined her party last year so why should they have a chance to ruin another one?!