Impending Separation

NickyBat

minxy79 wrote: »

Thanks for your support.
I've put up with so much over the years but I've carried on for the sake of my sons. At times it felt like I had a third child to look after because he behaved like a spoilt brat.

You're welcome

NickyBat

soccermom wrote: »

When you say virtually that implies there is something.

My hubby is not the most hands on father in the world, but he works extremely hard to support our 3 sons and loves to watch them play football and shows his support that way.

Now they are well into their teens he doesn't really get involved in their lives apart from this and he can't show his love for them as I know thats just not in him, but I know he loves them and would do what it takes for them to survive and be happy.

I was a bit like you in expecting him to be more visible with his actions but I realise there comes a point where you have to expect that they show their love differently and accept it.

I never did understand why men are expected to do all the little jobs round the house. My nanas OH died when she was quite young and she was knocking down walls and putting up steel joists in her 70's and she had a heart condition. Marvellous woman.

Maybe all the pressure at home is the reason he is working so hard.


I wish you all the luck with goiing forward and don't be too hard on each other as long as you can show love and participate for the both of you the kids wont really notice.

that's different you nana was on her own.

i realise we all conduct our relationships differently, but marriage is teamwork, not one person doing it all!
OP's other half works 30 hours a week which equates to 5 6 hr days , i wish i could just work 6 hours a day including paid work and everything that includes being a wife and mother etc, he hardly has it hard does he.

My paid job is part time and my hubby works full time and i do the the "bulk" of the work in the house, but i do expect him to help out with some things and i don't think that's unreasonable.

soccermom

NickyBat wrote: »

that's different you nana was on her own.

i realise we all conduct our relationships differently, but marriage is teamwork, not one person doing it all!
OP's other half works 30 hours a week which equates to 5 6 hr days , i wish i could just work 6 hours a day including paid work and everything that includes being a wife and mother etc, he hardly has it hard does he.

My paid job is part time and my hubby works full time and i do the the "bulk" of the work in the house, but i do expect him to help out with some things and i don't think that's unreasonable.

I responded based upon the information you had given us so forgive me.

You said you hadn't worked for 19 years, but if you work part time then that's different, you didn't originally say that and if that's the case then yes he needs to step up more.

If all he does is work 30 hours a week and goes to the pub when he likes then maybe your life will be more furfilled without him.

If you are working partime then are you claiming child tax credit and anthing else you will be entitled to.

I still stand by what I said us women should get stuck into more jobs around the house and I include myself in that

NickyBat

You are getting me mixed up with the original poster !!

maybe you're doing too many jobs round the house

soccermom

NickyBat wrote: »

You are getting me mixed up with the original poster !!

maybe you're doing too many jobs round the house

whoops sorry

minxy79

soccermom wrote: »

When you say virtually that implies there is something.

My hubby is not the most hands on father in the world, but he works extremely hard to support our 3 sons and loves to watch them play football and shows his support that way.

Now they are well into their teens he doesn't really get involved in their lives apart from this and he can't show his love for them as I know thats just not in him, but I know he loves them and would do what it takes for them to survive and be happy.

I was a bit like you in expecting him to be more visible with his actions but I realise there comes a point where you have to expect that they show their love differently and accept it.

I never did understand why men are expected to do all the little jobs round the house. My nanas OH died when she was quite young and she was knocking down walls and putting up steel joists in her 70's and she had a heart condition. Marvellous woman.

Maybe all the pressure at home is the reason he is working so hard.


I wish you all the luck with goiing forward and don't be too hard on each other as long as you can show love and participate for the both of you the kids wont really notice.

I expect him to do little jobs around the house because one he's much better at them than me and also because I do everything else. He only works 30 hours a week. Hardly 'working so hard' as you put it.

minxy79

soccermom wrote: »

Ah but you didn't say I think we all assumed when you said all he wants to do is work that it was a lot of hours:o

Why would you assume that? I have never said that he works long hours in any of my posts.

minxy79

G51shopaholic wrote: »

I think you summed it up when you said you didn't want him to leave as your youngst was still at school - you never mentioned how YOU felt about it.
Let him go, see how long he lasts when he has to cook and clean for himself.

Please do something for yourself to get you out the house. I know you said you are ill but you need "me time". Being stuck indoors is depressing - I know. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2008 but it wasn't foiund till it hit my lungs leaving me with major mobility problems (lungs can't absorb enough oxygen).

Despite the problems I try and get out the house as much as possible, even just to drive in my car somewhere and enjoy the view.

Another point - do your sons help around the house? If not then they need a wake up call as well.

Seems to me that you have been the cook, cleaner & housemaid long enough!

What I said was that I didn't want him to leave until my son had broken up for the summer hols because I didn't want to ruin his last couple of weeks at school. I did say that I wanted to cry a lot and have done several times, so I guess that demonstrates how I feel.

The trouble is I can't afford to run a car and can only walk a few yards and so getting out of the house is very difficult.

My sons help out a lot around the house.

Pee

I think we all got the impression from your post that he was either working long hours or working full time with a big commute i.e that work was taking up a lot of his time.

We have a role reversal in our relationship at the moment and so all the financial responsibility is on me and all the housework is on my boyfriend. I'm not going to say which of us has the easiest role. To be honest I think it's swings and roundabouts. One day it's harder for me and one day it's harder for him. We would both rather that my boyfriend was working full time, but unfortunately the work isn't about. The advantage of him being at home is that when I get back from work I have very little to do in the way of chores, which makes up for the extra stress dealing with work and bills during the day. The disadvantage is that we are struggling a bit and having to be careful. What I loved before was that we were both earning good money and so if I'd have lost my job, it would have been ok, now of course it wouldn't be, which is a bit scary.

That said the early years with my boyfriend were the first time in my life that financial responsibility was not up to me alone, either because I've been single or in my previous relationship there were serious drink and drug issues. Hopefully we will go back to two incomes and less financial stress for me, and this will mean I go back to pulling my weight in the house, but I think we all need to remember that equality in a relationship means different things at different stages and if you are both doing your share it will sometimes feel like you are doing more than your share because it's very hard to take onboard everything the other person is doing.

You seem to think he does nothing, yet you are worried about making ends meet when he leaves, so he is doing something and something quite important in my opinion.

minxy79

Pee wrote: »

I think we all got the impression from your post that he was either working long hours or working full time with a big commute i.e that work was taking up a lot of his time.

We have a role reversal in our relationship at the moment and so all the financial responsibility is on me and all the housework is on my boyfriend. I'm not going to say which of us has the easiest role. To be honest I think it's swings and roundabouts. One day it's harder for me and one day it's harder for him. We would both rather that my boyfriend was working full time, but unfortunately the work isn't about. The advantage of him being at home is that when I get back from work I have very little to do in the way of chores, which makes up for the extra stress dealing with work and bills during the day. The disadvantage is that we are struggling a bit and having to be careful. What I loved before was that we were both earning good money and so if I'd have lost my job, it would have been ok, now of course it wouldn't be, which is a bit scary.

That said the early years with my boyfriend were the first time in my life that financial responsibility was not up to me alone, either because I've been single or in my previous relationship there were serious drink and drug issues. Hopefully we will go back to two incomes and less financial stress for me, and this will mean I go back to pulling my weight in the house, but I think we all need to remember that equality in a relationship means different things at different stages and if you are both doing your share it will sometimes feel like you are doing more than your share because it's very hard to take onboard everything the other person is doing.

You seem to think he does nothing, yet you are worried about making ends meet when he leaves, so he is doing something and something quite important in my opinion.

You sound as if your relationship is fairly new. Mine however lasted for 30 years, so we were obviously doing something right for it to have lasted so long. Things went wrong when he stopped contributing fairly to the relationship. I was also the main breadwinner for the first eight years of our marriage and so I do know that 'equality in a relationship means different things at different stages and if you are both doing your share it will sometimes feel like you are doing more than your share because it's very hard to take onboard everything the other person is doing'.

I am obviously worried about how I will cope on benefits, because I have yet to find out how much I will get. My husband may be doing something quite important but not nearly as much as he could, which makes it unfair to me especially it is me that has serious ill health and not him.