Impending Separation

minxy79

My husband of 30 years has decided he wants to leave. We had a massive row two weeks ago because he has become really lazy and doesn't do anything but go to work. He's rented a flat and wanted to go immediately but I made him stay because our youngest child (15) doesn't break up from school until this Friday and I didn't want it to spoil his lasts days. It's been terrible trying to keep it from my son as I want to cry a lot. To make matters worse I have to have a small operation tommorow that my husband has agreed to take me to.

I've been under stress for years now mainly due to debt and have several health issues.Now I can't help but wonder how my sons will react and how I'm going to cope financially. My husband doesn't seem to have considered any of this and seems totally self absorbed. I know for a fact that know one else is involved and supect that his medication could be something to do with his odd behaviour. To make matters worse I have no friends or family to support me. I feel so alone.

What I need to know is where to start with regard to claiming benefit. Our nearest CAB is some distance away and I feel too weak to talk face to face to someone about this. Will I have to sign on? If I do I am worried that I will not be able to find work due to my age and health issues.

I would be grateful for any advice.

1echidna

I doubt if your husband really wants to leave but maybe feels boxed into a corner? Just a theory. Whose fault are the financial problems? If your husband "does nothing" does that mean he is not spending money? Could be far worse if he was down at the pub. I could be totally wrong but maybe it is count your blessings time and grovel.

Debbie_A_3

Hi Minxy,
I am really sorry to hear this; you must be devastated. I would not give up without trying, 30 years is a long time. Do you know what your husband wants? Does he know what he wants?

All I can do is send you <<hugs>>. Please do think about talking to someone. Counselling isn't cheap but you can get several sessions for the price of a month's rent on a flat. It may not tell you anything that you don't already know but it could help you both put things into persepective and understand each other better.

As a starting point you could see your GP, or contact Relate:
http://www.relate.org.uk/find-your-nearest-service/index.html

RAS

minxy

hugs

And some very very practical advice.

Go to www.turn2us.org.uk and put the details of your circumstances in the when separated into there to find out what help you might get.

Do you have any joint bank account or savings accounts with your husband? Do you have your own separate accounts? Are you debts in your name, his name or joint names?

You need have a bank account just in your name and a savings account, today preferably. Get CB etc paid into this immediately, your salary and any other benefits.

With respect to any joint accounts (or situations where your OH is a second signatory on an account in your name), you need to write to the bank and hand deliver tomorow letters advising them that all further debits require both signatures. That prevent him stripping out joint accounts or runnig up overdrafts.

The day after OH moves out

1. advise the Council if you are a single person and ask for the Single person's discount
2. Contact the CSa and open a claim for child support (which is 15% of his net income for one child).

With respect to the children, make him tell the children, not you. That way they understand that it is his choice.

minxy79

1echidna wrote: »

I doubt if your husband really wants to leave but maybe feels boxed into a corner? Just a theory. Whose fault are the financial problems? If your husband "does nothing" does that mean he is not spending money? Could be far worse if he was down at the pub. I could be totally wrong but maybe it is count your blessings time and grovel.

He does want to leave as I've asked him to stay several times but he won't. The financial problems are both our fault, mainly never having earnt enough to live on despite being very careful with money and having no support from anyone to look after the kids when they were young. When I say he does nothing I meant in the way of helping around the house and with our sons. He does go down the pub and out and that also causes arguments because we don't have the money. So yes, you are totally wrong.

minxy79

Debbie_A wrote: »

Hi Minxy,
I am really sorry to hear this; you must be devastated. I would not give up without trying, 30 years is a long time. Do you know what your husband wants? Does he know what he wants?

All I can do is send you <<hugs>>. Please do think about talking to someone. Counselling isn't cheap but you can get several sessions for the price of a month's rent on a flat. It may not tell you anything that you don't already know but it could help you both put things into persepective and understand each other better.

As a starting point you could see your GP, or contact Relate:

He says he just wants some time on his own but I'm afraid once he leaves it will be very hard for him to come back and I'm mainly worried about how our sons will react.

minxy79

RAS wrote: »

minxy

hugs

And some very very practical advice.

Go to and put the details of your circumstances in the when separated into there to find out what help you might get.

Do you have any joint bank account or savings accounts with your husband? Do you have your own separate accounts? Are you debts in your name, his name or joint names?

You need have a bank account just in your name and a savings account, today preferably. Get CB etc paid into this immediately, your salary and any other benefits.

With respect to any joint accounts (or situations where your OH is a second signatory on an account in your name), you need to write to the bank and hand deliver tomorow letters advising them that all further debits require both signatures. That prevent him stripping out joint accounts or runnig up overdrafts.

The day after OH moves out

1. advise the Council if you are a single person and ask for the Single person's discount
2. Contact the CSa and open a claim for child support (which is 15% of his net income for one child).

With respect to the children, make him tell the children, not you. That way they understand that it is his choice.

Thanks for the useful advice.

relic

Presuming that you don't work?

When was the last time you did work, perhaps you can claim contribution based JSA?

minxy79

relic wrote: »

Presuming that you don't work?

When was the last time you did work, perhaps you can claim contribution based JSA?

I havn't worked for 19 years due to looking after children but in the last few years due to ill health. I applied for disability but despite being virtually housebound and only being able to walk short distances I am not eligable for any help.

It will be a struggle for me to actually get to the jobcentre that alone do a job.

Pee

You say that he no longer wants to do anything apart from go to work and that this might be related to his medication? You have been suffering from serious ill health for the last few years and money worries have always been a problem. Sounds to me like a difficult situation but if you have been together for 30 years, not insurmountable.

What should he be doing apart from work?

minxy79

Pee wrote: »

You say that he no longer wants to do anything apart from go to work and that this might be related to his medication? You have been suffering from serious ill health for the last few years and money worries have always been a problem. Sounds to me like a difficult situation but if you have been together for 30 years, not insurmountable.

What should he be doing apart from work?

Showing an interest in our sons lives and joining in with family life. Small jobs around the house.