How to come to terms with an unplanned pregnancy?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You don't have to move in together and get all domestic. It isn't the law and could very well damage your relationship if it's forced upon the two of you before you know you both want to be together permanently.

Obviously he will have to pay maintenance, but if it isn't right to be forced together prematurely, then it will self destruct all too soon, whereas if you take time, baby or no baby, it's more likely to be successful and enduring.

Do what is right for you, not what you think you should do.

Torry_Quine

Becca_ wrote: »

Thankyou so much for all of your replies. I wish having a termination was an easier option for me but I don;t feel it is. I have had 2 previous terminations in the last year and a half. And no I'm not an irresponsible woman not using contraception. It just seems that whatever I do my body fights to get pregnant! Sterilisation is now obviously my only option as far as contraception is concerned! Both times, it was the right thing to do and I have no regrets, however this time I feel different. Even though I'm not happy about the pregnancy, I very strongly feel I'll regret having a termination this time and I know I need to come to terms with the fact that theres a very big possibility that I'm going to have another baby in 7.5 mths time.
My course is only full time so no option to do it part time and theres no way I could afford to do in next year due to the cost of childcare (right now I'm on benefits and even though I have to pay fees, I would have gotten help with childcare costs from the college).
I think what scares me most is just becoming 'mum and housewife' again. Since seperating from my husband and meeting my OH my life has changed dramatically and I am a much much happier person. I am also very independant and having this baby would mean that OH will be 'taking on' me and my 3 other children financially. Thats all well and good some of you may think, but my OH is 38, has never had any responsibilities besides going to work. We see each other only at weekends in general and our relationship is great. He gets on well with the kids but they don;t see each other all that often tbh!
Maybe I'm just being too pesimistic. OH seems to think we'll be fine and he is the one that has been looking into all the practicalities ie selling both our houses and getting somwhere bigger etc. I'm just petrified that he has no idea what being a parent is like, thats its all going to hit him suddenly, and that I am going to end up 'holding the baby' Am I being silly?
To the poster that said 'if I could wave a magic wand and wake up in the morning and the pregnancy never existed'? In a heartbeat. I want it all to go away. But I don't want to go through a termination to make that happen. Stupid I know :undecided

Wishing it would all go away is a perfectly natural reaction.

This is a very difficult time for you and whatever you do decide you need to look after yourself.

CuppaTea

Hugs OP, I can only imagine how your feeling right now and i hope the advice on here you find helpful.

May I add my opinion? At the end of the day its you holding the baby so to speak, whether its with your boyfriend in situ or not, it'll be you dealing long term with 4 children. Only you can decide if that is for you. Plans all plans was right in saying unplanned pregnancies aren't a total disaster (she's right, our second child we wouldn't be without), but for her it was her first and she only had herself, partner and pregnancy to consider. However you have 3 other children to factor in. Do you think you have the energy, money and patience to split yourself 4 ways plus have a loving relationship with your partner. A lot of people do and of course have more kids, but some people can't and therefore the previous children suffer through struggling parents.

I hope this doesn't confuse the hell out of you, maybe it has but its not just the emotional side to consider but the practicalities and long term dynamics of it all.

Good luck with making your decision and please keep posting if it helps you thrash it out.

Cuppa.

Person_one

Whatever happens, once this pregnancy is over, please get to the GP to sort out your contraception asap. Its terrible for your physical and mental health to keep having these unwanted pregnancies. You poor thing.

It doesn't mean you are irresponsible at all but the mini pill is one of the least reliable methods of contraception out there! Did nobody speak to you about contraception after any of your children or your terminations?

meds12_2

I'm really feeling for you OP, I know your turmoil as I have been in your situation. I'm also ridiculously fertile (not that I'm complaining as I know how awful it is for people who can't conceive) - both my children were already ferlised eggs before my IUD was removed, and I have had terminations whilst on depo, and after morning after pill (after other contraception "failed").

It really is down to you, the only person who can decide is you. But whatever you decide, once you have decided, there will be no point in regretting your actions. What do you think would be best for you and your family? Would having the baby leave you worse off, or would you manage? What do you really, really want to do? If you carried on with the pregnancy, would you regret the other terminations more, as you could have had them all along? It really is a horrible place to be, and I genuinely do empathise with you.

I wish you all the best in this difficult time x

meds12_2

fannyanna wrote: »

It's not stupid at all x x x

Completely agree

pigpen

Do you want to live with OH?

I get the feeling you are not ready for that step yet.. It is noone elses business if you chose to stay with the same living arrangements as you have now. Don't feel pressured into something you don't want to do that will make you unhappy.

I've become pregnant 4 times on the minipill .. in under 2 years .. I won't even accept it now. Did they want to insert a coil when you had previous terminations that is usually routinely offered to prevent situations like this.

Could you start the college course and OH pay for a childminder to have the baby so you can do the second half? it would probably only be a couple of months after the birth you would finish the first year anyway.. If he is living elsewhere he could pay the childminder or nursery for the baby out of the maintenance he would pay.. would that help?

Would you consider adoption?

I do know how you feel.. I was the first term into a degree with OH living 120 miles away when I got pregnant and she was born last August.. I deferred until this September and have another little surprise due October so had to forfeit my place at uni ..

Becca_

Sorry for the late reply, I haven't been on the internet for a couple of days. I just wanted to say again how grateful I am for all your replies. It has been a difficult week but reading all your posts has certainly given me some food for thought.
OH and I have talked about living together previously and it's something we know will happen at some point, we just weren;t expecting it to happen so soon. And even now, we are not going to rush...theres plenty of time but we have looked into all the practicalities just so we know it will be financially possible etc when the time comes. We had a long talk about what was upseting me so much and I realised that I'm just petrified of mine and OH's relationship taking a nose dive when our lives change and me feeling like a nobody which is how my ex husband made me feel. I am determined this time to make sure I remain 'Becca' as well as 'mum' and housekeeper'
I have realised that OH is NOT my ex, and we'll get through this just fine
The last 2 days my pregnancy symptoms have decreased alot and what took me completely by suprise was that fact that I began to worry that something was wrong. I guess I had started to come to terms with it all and deep down inside, no matter how upset I am about some of the things I'm going to have to give up, and the fact that this pregnancy was unplanned, I want this baby. I just didn't realise it to begin with.... and today when I woke up with the tiredness and nausea back with a vengeance and felt a huge sense of relief it was kind of a turning point.
I'm pregnant, and I'm going to be happy about it. I'm sure there are times I won;t feel like that, but from now on I'm thinking positive!
And to the poster that mentioned contraception...I'll be getting sterilised. I have a reeeeally bad reaction to the combined pill and have been advised against anything else with similar hormones. After weeks of being messed around trying to get a coil fitted after my last termination, I went to the appt, went through all the checks etc only for the woman to refuse to fit it because I had had sex since the termination (completely protected!) I had booked the appt before my termination even took place. I had worked myself up so much because I have a retroverted uterus and had been told insertion could be pretty painful. Also I can only have the copper coil to avoid the hormones, and that could make my already painful heavy periods worse. I was however still prepared to go ahead to make sure I was protected. ANyhow, they then refused to even prescribe me any kind of pill until I'd had a period!! I finally went to my doctors, yet again, and they tried me on the mini pill and I got on great with it. It's fantastic...if it works!!! Which obviously it doesn;t for me! So to be honest I'm out of options...sterilisation it will have to be!
I'll stop rambling now...thankyou all again....so much
Becca

Torry_Quine

Glad to hear that you are managing to work out things

choccybikkie_2

Becca, I could've written a very similar story myself 2 years ago!
DH and I had 3 children 10,8 and 5 I was a SAHM looking to finally get back into work and be 'me' again. I too was on the mini pill and our baby days were long behind us. Only then we discovered i was pg with our 4th baby..............we were camping at the time and I did the test in the communial (sp) toilets I cannot repeat my reaction except that I cried myself to sleep and didn't want to even discuss things with DH. When we got back home DH kept trying to discuss but I wanted to try and block it all out!!! It took me a couple of weeks before I could admit my worries. (starting all over again, not being able to do the things we had just began to enjoy doing now our children were a bit older, we lived in a 3 bed house,we'd need a bigger car!?!?)
I made an appt with the MW at 8 weeks and she asked me if we had 'planned' the pregnancy that's where I broke down. She was lovely and although impartial she re-itterated everything DH had already promised me before and basically helped me see that most of my worries were in the grand scheme of things material.
At my scan,seeing our baby, all of my concerns went out of the window! I enjoyed the rest of my pregnancy and although we had a couple of worries about the babies health picked up from the anomoly scan the pregnancy went very well and our other children were so excited.
Roll on to now.... We have a beautiful,Healthy,Adored 14 month old daughter and me,my dh and our now 12,10 and 7 yr olds could not imagine our family without her.
No, it wasn't how we'd planned things but I would not have it any other way. I am going to get some training and gain some skills when dd is old enough I will be back job hunting.My life hasn't stopped,it's not over,yes things have changed but we've been blessed with a little beauty!

Becca, I know how you must be feeling, it's frightening.Please find someone you could talk to,when you're ready!
Just wanted you to know you'll come through what you're feeling just think and talk with your bf and keep your mind open!!

Hugs and thoughts to you x