How to come to terms with an unplanned pregnancy?

Becca_

I'm hoping some of you might have some advice that may help. I've been a long time lurker on these boards but never really posted. I apoligise in advance, I know this post might be long and 'bitty' but my head is all over the place right now.

I have 3 children at the moment (3, 7 and 9) but seperated from thier father 2.5 years ago and we are in the middle of divorce proceedings. I have been a SAHM for 9 years and a few months ago I applied for a place at college to study childcare in the hopes that I could then get the qualifications to go and get a job and support myself and my 3 children. I was sooooo excited and couldn;t wait for September. I had to pay my tuition fees still, but had gotten the place, found a childminder, worked everything out etc.

Then last week I found out that I am pregnant. To say I am gutted might be a slight understatment. I was on the mini pill and taking it religiously every single day at the same time and am quite angry it has failed me (I know, I know, no contraception is 100% reliable but still..why me!?)
Theres no way I can now do my college course and my whole life has just changed again in the blink of an eye. Every 2 weeks, my children go to thier Dads for the weekend and I get freedom for 2 whole days. I like to go out and have a few drinks and do what I want, spent time with friends and my boyfriend etc. And now it's all gone. I've been crying for a good few days on and off and just don;t seem to be able to shake it off.

I know I shouldn't feel so ungrateful. I know there are couples out there that are desperate for a child and here I am moaning that I'm pregnant. SO I guess I am asking...has anyone else been in a similar situation? ANy advice on how to start feeling more positive about it all? This is so different for me. All of my children were planned and so I was so excited from day one. It feels so very different this time round. I know I will love this baby the same as I did them all but I feel like my life in so many ways has just ended.

Both my boyfriend and I had discussed children previously and although neither of us wanted any between us we both had said that if it ever happened then we'd accept it and be happy but right now I'm struggling. He hasn;t any children of his own and never really wanted any and now, eventually, he's going to have 4 in his life. I'm so scared about how its going to change everything between us, how it might the children, let alone money matters, other changes etc. My bf works permanent night shifts so even the idea of him trying to sleep in the day with 4 kids around sounds impossible!

There are 101 things going round and round in my head and I feel so overwhelmed, upset, angry, scared, let down. And of course, the hormones aren;t helping..I'm a tearful wreck! And at the same time we're having to talk about living arrangments and selling houses, and moving in, buying a bigger house etc etc. I know its very early to be talking about such things but it's got to be done!

I'd really appreciate any advice or reassurance

pigpen

If you don't want it at this moment in time.. opt for a termination

How would you feel if after all this unhappiness you miscarried.. as happened to me.. I had 10 weeks of making myself incredibly miserable only to miscarry..

Right now you have 2 choices.. keep it or don't..

the future will bring what the future will bring..

Can you do the course part time and OH has the children while you are at college?

Fire_Fox

Welcome!

Just because you have already decided you'd accept it if you fell pregnant doesn't mean you cannot change your mind. It doesn't sound like either of you wants a baby now or in the future, and that you'd had to give up a lot to go ahead. Maybe ask your doctor to refer you to a service which can help you think/ talk through the implications of a termination ASAP. Yes some women regret a termination but many do not, and some deeply regret going ahead with an unplanned pregnancy.

Plans_all_plans

My daughter started life as an unplanned pregnancy and she's the best thing that ever happened to me, even though for the whole 9 months I was miserable and didn't want a child at all.

I was in the middle of my final exams at uni when I found out and my boyfriend still had 2 years to go on his degree. Neither of us had a job, neither of us had any money, or even a home of our own. A baby was the last thing on either of our minds and to top it all off we'd been seeing each other for a grand total of 5 months. To say I thought my world was ending is a total understatement.

With the support of my boyfriend (now husband) and our families, we managed and now have a beautiful 4 year old. I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

What does your boyfriend say about it? Can you do the course part time/at night etc?

Best of luck, it's a horrible feeling but where there's a will there's a way.

Person_one

Please don't feel trapped, you are allowed to change your mind and if you don't want a baby there is absolutely no reason why you have to.

If you could wave a magic wand that would mean you woke up tomorrow and the pregnancy had never existed, would you?

fannyanna

If a termination is what is best for you at this point in your life then look into going down that route.

If you decided that you want to go ahead with the pregnancy then that's great.

You need to do what is right by you x

vroombroom

I fell pregnant last year unexpectantly (we were using 3 types of contraception so say it was a shock was an understatement)and I was due to start my second year at uni, whilst working

I deferred a year and am going back this Sept xx

shy-but-need-help

I agree with the other posters, you have options- please don't feel because you are pregnant you have to remain pregnant.

Our first child was an unplanned pregnancy and it was a huge shock and we've made a wonderful life as a family together, however when we found we were pregnant with our third (so unexpected even the doctor laughed- she was conceived 11 weeks after her brother arrived and he'd taken nearly 5 years of fertility work to achieve) it took alot more to work through the shock and it was an entirely different spin on things because it wasn't just our future as a couple that would be impacted, but our entire life plan as a family.

You just sound like someone who needs someone to say outloud that it is perfectly ok to not want a baby with your partner even though your relationship is good and you do love them, not wanting to entirely reroute your life with a baby isn't a reflection on the quality of your relationship.

Threebabes

My no. 3 wasnt planned. I was really upset, as was my husband.

Shes 7 now and we love her so much. I feel our lives would be less for not having her in it. She was such a good baby too because I was so busy sorting out the other 2 she had to take a back step.

You have to do what is right for you though, good luck with your decision. Could you not put your course back a year, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy? xx

Becca_

Thankyou so much for all of your replies. I wish having a termination was an easier option for me but I don;t feel it is. I have had 2 previous terminations in the last year and a half. And no I'm not an irresponsible woman not using contraception. It just seems that whatever I do my body fights to get pregnant! Sterilisation is now obviously my only option as far as contraception is concerned! Both times, it was the right thing to do and I have no regrets, however this time I feel different. Even though I'm not happy about the pregnancy, I very strongly feel I'll regret having a termination this time and I know I need to come to terms with the fact that theres a very big possibility that I'm going to have another baby in 7.5 mths time.
My course is only full time so no option to do it part time and theres no way I could afford to do in next year due to the cost of childcare (right now I'm on benefits and even though I have to pay fees, I would have gotten help with childcare costs from the college).
I think what scares me most is just becoming 'mum and housewife' again. Since seperating from my husband and meeting my OH my life has changed dramatically and I am a much much happier person. I am also very independant and having this baby would mean that OH will be 'taking on' me and my 3 other children financially. Thats all well and good some of you may think, but my OH is 38, has never had any responsibilities besides going to work. We see each other only at weekends in general and our relationship is great. He gets on well with the kids but they don;t see each other all that often tbh!
Maybe I'm just being too pesimistic. OH seems to think we'll be fine and he is the one that has been looking into all the practicalities ie selling both our houses and getting somwhere bigger etc. I'm just petrified that he has no idea what being a parent is like, thats its all going to hit him suddenly, and that I am going to end up 'holding the baby' Am I being silly?
To the poster that said 'if I could wave a magic wand and wake up in the morning and the pregnancy never existed'? In a heartbeat. I want it all to go away. But I don't want to go through a termination to make that happen. Stupid I know :undecided

fannyanna

Becca_ wrote: »

To the poster that said 'if I could wave a magic wand and wake up in the morning and the pregnancy never existed'? In a heartbeat. I want it all to go away. But I don't want to go through a termination to make that happen. Stupid I know :undecided

It's not stupid at all x x x