Can't get through to him

Pee

He is very young, but you have bailed him out once, no, I do not think you should bail him out again and you want to get your finances on an even footing.

kate_pixie

Hi OP, I'm sorry your OH is being such a.....well, a dude! lol

I agree with everyone that you should close the joint account. It's all very well sharing your life with someone, but your credit rating is a different matter ;-).

Unlike some of the advice above though I don't think you should have control of all the bills. The more you're in charge of the less responsibility he has. And giving him "pocket money" at his age just seems patronising. So put all the bills in his name, give him half by DD and let him learn how to budget the hard way.

In relation to your folks, I'd talk to them about this, make them realise that you're not taking them or their loan for granted but leave paying it back to your OH.

I hope it all works out for you xxx

Sambucus_Nigra

kataklysm wrote: »

Ohhh welcome to my world.. The first thing you should know is that men NEVER grow out of this. If its not the DJ set, its a motorbike / ride-on mower / gaming PC... or in my case guitars/amps/recording equipment... Reminding them that food also needs to be on the table makes YOU the big grumpy woman standing in the way of their dreams... man.

First thing - the above is not true - SOME men might not grow out of this but some men do and some men are never like this in the first place.

Second thing - is he a DJ? If Yes and he can make back the money then perhaps it is a little investment. If No, then he needs to send it back. Whilst he is still in debt [to your parents of all people] then he can't afford a DJ set. End of.

Third - I heartily agree to close that joint account pronto. Even if he does give the DJ set back - he needs to take responsibility so until he does, you should not have your credit potentially blacklisted just because he can't control his spending.

Lotus-eater

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

First thing - the above is not true - SOME men might not grow out of this but some men do and some men are never like this in the first place.

I think men in general don't grow out of it tbh, certainly no one I know has done and as for me.... well.. the amount of grown up toys I have, is shameful

BUT, there is a big difference to buying something you can afford (what I and almost everyone I know does) and [STRIKE]buying[/STRIKE].... borrowing, to buy something you WANT.

Of all the people I have known I can honestly say, once terrible with money, always terrible with money. It just seems to be something we are.

ska_lover

Fire_Fox wrote: »

Creamfields and DJ kit = recreational substances. That lifestyle is not compatible with a healthy adult relationship, yes I do speak from years of experience. He is not mature enough to settle down, nothing you can do or say will change that.

I would agree that most men like their 'toys' but don't agree with with this. Why would having a DJ kit or going to a music festival mean you are not compatible with having a healthy adult relationship? Codswallop!

No wonder some men are scared of commitment - as I read more and more threads like this of their women nagging them to death about having a little fun. It's like some women expect men to become boring old farts once they are in a relationship - and turn them into a different person. What is this need to meet someone and then turn them into someone else?

Don't dump him OP. If it were me, I would stop the joint bank account - and as long as he was paying his half towards household expenses - I would let him get on with it - and never EVER bail him out with anyone. If your parents ask him for the £500 back which he lent from them, let him deal with it. Not your problem. Maybe once he grows up a little you could have a joint account once again? Don't nag him and never argue about money. It will come good in the end if it is meant to be.

Never EVER argue about money. It's such a waste of time and a nasty subject to argue about. In all the years I have been with my OH we have never once had a cross word about cash but we would never expect the other to bail us out had we overspent either.

onlyroz

Try serving up nothing but value beans on economy bread for a week - or that 9p curry sauce on value rice. When he complains say that's all you can afford, because the rest is to pay off the debts.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

kataklysm wrote: »

Ohhh welcome to my world.. The first thing you should know is that men NEVER grow out of this. If its not the DJ set, its a motorbike / ride-on mower / gaming PC... or in my case guitars/amps/recording equipment... Reminding them that food also needs to be on the table makes YOU the big grumpy woman standing in the way of their dreams... man.

I had a dressing down about such things when I bought a bodhran and some more music books rather than saving towards a carpet on the stairs. But I wasn't failing to meet my financial obligations by doing so. Going to be buying something else soon as well. But fancy food doesn't make me happy in the way music does, and feeding DD, cats and fish all come above me being happy anyway.

If CM means child maintenance, then there really is a problem with taking responsibility for his own actions. You don't want to be marrying him because he wants another mum, do you? Could his attitude have a bearing upon his previous relationship? He's young, free, clubbing (and is more likely to be enjoying the odd pill than someone who isn't part of the club scene), whilst his mum/surrogate mum is waiting to tell him off for not keeping his room tidy (in his eyes).

It is storing up problems for the future when all that seems to happen is that you deal with all the awkward adult stuff and he gets fed up with someone so 'old and boring' compared to some young thing into clubbing and dancing and little else...so it needs to be sorted out now.

No more bailing him out. Basics beans on toast. As soon as the salaries go in, get those debt repayments and your shopping money out of the bank. That way, when he goes to get the extra, there isn't any for him to spend - then he has to explain to his friend that there isn't the money this month. If he stresses out, shrug your shoulders and say 'It's been spent on bills already, sorry'. Might take a couple of months, but it should sink in eventually.



I still don't have carpet on the stairs, though.

dark_lady

crazyguy wrote: »

You cant forget that most blokes dont grow up properly and accept responsability for themselves until quite late on in life, ie:- late twenties early thirtys in some cases.

And then they wonder why some women go for older men.

*Louise*

carrieuk wrote: »

. Maybe I should not give him the extra cash we have and just pay off his debts and if he wants to pay for this DJ set he has to pay for it out of his overtime and tough if he hasnt got enough overtime. I think i need to be more harsh.

Of course you shouldn't - that won't teach him anything. When people are bailed out time after time they come to expect it and will always be waiting for you to 'magic' some money for them out of nowhere. Stand firm.

kataklysm wrote: »

Ohhh welcome to my world.. The first thing you should know is that men NEVER grow out of this. If its not the DJ set, its a motorbike / ride-on mower / gaming PC... or in my case guitars/amps/recording equipment... Reminding them that food also needs to be on the table makes YOU the big grumpy woman standing in the way of their dreams... man.

I actually agree with this. Men do grow up (eventually) but never grow out of some things. Only difference is the items they want change.

My OH is similar - Last week he wanted a £100 nail gun. Week before is was a £100 radio for his truck. Before that it was a new tool box that he could 'pay up' (3k!! - he was told to go have a word with himself lol, I think he was just chancing his luck there;)) There's always something that's really important and needed. He luckily has the saving grace that he is fantastic in many other areas so I keep him and can put up with his wishing for stuff. Sometimes I make it happen, sometimes it just can't be done. But if he was to go ahead with a purchase that would blow our budget out the water there would be serious arguments to be had.

OP, I think you also need to get across that big purchases neeed to be discussed with each other.