Can't get through to him

carrieuk

Hi,

I am in need of a bit of advice. Sorry this might be all over the place as i am so angry.

I am currently living with my fiance, he has this attitude to money that it's ok i'll sort it soon.

He has just text me to say that he has bought a DJ set off his mate for £500 with the option of paying monthly for it which is what he's going to do. We can't afford this. He has a outstanding balance to pay to my mum and dad (they bought his current motorbike for him) of £500 we are paying £50 a month. He has a outstanding credit card for £1900. He currently is taking driving lessons at £40 a week and is going to Creamfields at the end of the month.

I've hit the roof over this and has said he is irresponsible with money and he has responsbilities before he thinks of buying something like this, he never pays his credit card on time and we have a joint account which i presume would then affect my credit rating?

He can't see the issue, he says he can afford it with his salary.. I am at the moment paying for most of the bills in the house and he is paying for food and CM. He thinks we can drop our food bills (already £40 a week) so he can pay off this DJ set. He knows our bills as we have a calendar with them on and knows how much we have to pay out currently.

We currently put all our salary into the joint account and then pay bills anything left over is split equally and pays off debts, any other stuff. He then has his overtime etc which is not constant. This pays for driving lessons etc but certainly not enough to cover payments on this kit.

I'm so angry, he says how I keep mentioning that id like to go to Florida, but this is a dream of mine, it doesnt mean tomorrow i'm going to go out and buy a holiday on a credit card. I've stood up to my responsibillities and as such am now down from £2500 on a credit card to just over £200.

I also am now thinking that if my parents see him buy this piece of kit worth £1k (albeit paying monthly) they will ask us to pay back the rest of the £500 immediately as we obviously have money to waste (mums words not mine) and she would be right.

I dont know, should i just let him get on with it? I can't bail him out, i have my own debts but I dont want debt collectors knocking on our door because he cant pay his debts. I've bailed him out before when he was living at home and ran up a debt to the point baliffs were chasing him. I paid the entire debt off. I just dont think i should bail him out a second time.

I just dont know how to get through to him?

Any advice?

Thanks for reading

Gillyx

Seems to me like he'l never learn, do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

If he's had baliffs chasing after him and you paid it off, he obviously presumes you'l do it again, if I was you I'd get out while you can.

crazyguy

I dont think you will get through to him as he probably has not grown up properly and accepted the fact that he has responsabilites now, Try taking his cash card away maybe until he behaves, if he wants to act childish then you should treat him as one !

emerald_starcat

He sounds like he has no idea of how the real world works.
He is living the life of a teenager, how old is he by the way?

carrieuk

23, i think he knows how it works just doesnt really want to admit he has responsibilities.

He asked me to marry him and I thought it would be a partnership but its turning out to be me controlling everything. Maybe I should not give him the extra cash we have and just pay off his debts and if he wants to pay for this DJ set he has to pay for it out of his overtime and tough if he hasnt got enough overtime. I think i need to be more harsh.

kelpie35

Speaking from experience.............you will never change him.

You deserve better than this..............I would advise you to think seriously about your relationship.

crazyguy

You cant forget that most blokes dont grow up properly and accept responsability for themselves until quite late on in life, ie:- late twenties early thirtys in some cases.

Fire_Fox

Creamfields and DJ kit = recreational substances. That lifestyle is not compatible with a healthy adult relationship, yes I do speak from years of experience. He is not mature enough to settle down, nothing you can do or say will change that.

Carlm90

Hang on a second, I don't think we're thinking about other options here. Everyone seems to be going down the get rid of him route, I'm sorry life doesn't live life like that. The man asked the woman to marry him because he loves her and she loves him. There are little things in life that everyone has to get through and this is one of them.

I think firstly, you should consider whether you're actually ready to get married to him yet. The above posts talk about his mindset and I see from Creamfields and a DJ Set, I don't think he has his priorities in order yet, he wants to live his life, have you by his side and settle down in a few years.

Now onto the debt he has. I think you need to talk to parents and other agencies that will offer support for spending money. Everyone needs their comforts that they like and I can see he has his motorbike. He needs to spend more time on that, have that one toy and realise that he can't have everything else as you both have to share the bills. Explain to him that it's putting pressure on you and that you want to structure your finances for the both of you if you are going to plan the wedding.

I suggest you advise him to return that DJ kit to his friend (luckily it is a friend that may be understanding) and have an extensive talk. If he doesn't listen, then the decision is yours but there are definitely more things to do before booting him out of the door.

PerfectParadox

As this hits home to me (and am currentl working through similar... tho not as drastic problems with my own oh) my condolences and a big hug as you probably are near the end of our teather and just writing that down probably felt cathartic.

I'm not sure what to suggest. Maybe that I would agree that at the moment this isnt the equal adult relationship you wished for.

have you asked him how he would pay for his lifestyle without you because the rate hes going thats how he might end up (harsh love)
What was the last treat you got to have? Does he come food shopping with you or is it a bit him a bit you. if he has no part in it make him come with you and show him what the shopping bill hes suggesting you chop down to actually buys.

When I was over my head and my parents needed me to wake up they say me down in the front room with a monopoly board.... had me write down all my bills and expensis, what my partying amounted to. Then had me write down my monthy income.
I was given said amount in monopoly money. and had to show how exactly i would pay off my bills and debts. in the end of the execise I was forced to admit that the way I was going was leading me into more debt not out and that cuts had to come from somewhere.
I even had a little sticker in my purse that read in big letters "this is monopoly money, and at no point will I just "pass go" suffice to say since then I am so much better with money.

ofcorse its easier for parents to do this than your partner.

He is being very childish and you are not his mother. He doesn't like hearing no. So I think that you need to try using this word more (I think someone on this board told me that not so long ago actually and its helped. alot)

I hope you resolve this and are smiling soon.

hugs

Plans_all_plans

Your boyfriend is a p1sstaker and under no circumstances should you accept it.

I'd dump him because I couldn't bear to see him even thinking about treating my parents with such contempt. If he had a decent bone in his body he'd ensure he'd paid your parents off before spending more money on non-essentials. I just can't believe the breathtaking levels of cheek needed to do something like this in front of you! The fact that he's able to do it rings alarm bells for me. Get rid, he's no good!