Can't get through to him

BitterAndTwisted

You've got a joint bank-account with this idiot?

POPPYOSCAR

The first thing I would do is close the joint account and set up one in your own name. Have him set up a regular payment into your account to pay your joint bills.

Next I would insist that he pay back the loan to your mum and dad.

I would delay getting married until he shows he is being more responsible with money or you would seem to be heading for a marriage fraught with trouble.

Best of luck!

RAS

Close any joint accounts as these allow him to wreck your credit rating. For peace sake make sure you pay the rent and Council tax, with him DDing money to your account on payday.

Make sure that he never gets any money from any of your family ever again and suggest that your parents put pressure on him to pay up more rapidly.

Suggest he returns the DJ kit and gets his money back.

Then explain that unless he start to take a different attitude to money, your relationship is at risk.

Any

Advice??
Yes - run!!!

If having a bailiffs had not given him awakening, why do you think your "moaning" (which is how he sees it) will??

He will rather see you suffer then deny himself something he wants - who is he to decide that HIS DJ set is more important then your balanced diet?? (and don't give me slashing, I know there are people on here who feed whole family for £30, but that is only for some! Because some can do it doesn't mean that OP should try harder to eat for less only to accomodate this selfish man).

Spendaholics are like alcoholics - first THEY have to realise their problem and want to correct it.
Unless he does this you will get nowhere... apart from being hearbroken and skint few years down the line.

This man doesn't care what you want from what you are saying in your post.

P.S.: And having any financial links with him will damage your rating!! Any accounts in joint names are financial links.

Any

Carlm90 wrote: »

Hang on a second, I don't think we're thinking about other options here. Everyone seems to be going down the get rid of him route, I'm sorry life doesn't live life like that. The man asked the woman to marry him because he loves her and she loves him. There are little things in life that everyone has to get through and this is one of them.

I think firstly, you should consider whether you're actually ready to get married to him yet. The above posts talk about his mindset and I see from Creamfields and a DJ Set, I don't think he has his priorities in order yet, he wants to live his life, have you by his side and settle down in a few years.

Now onto the debt he has. I think you need to talk to parents and other agencies that will offer support for spending money. Everyone needs their comforts that they like and I can see he has his motorbike. He needs to spend more time on that, have that one toy and realise that he can't have everything else as you both have to share the bills. Explain to him that it's putting pressure on you and that you want to structure your finances for the both of you if you are going to plan the wedding.

I suggest you advise him to return that DJ kit to his friend (luckily it is a friend that may be understanding) and have an extensive talk. If he doesn't listen, then the decision is yours but there are definitely more things to do before booting him out of the door.

This guy already had baliffs after him.... and you think that "talk" from a girlfriend will make him see the daylight?

The other option is to wait until it's time to go bankrupt... few years down the line...

Guys might grow up a bit later, but that is no excuse for expecting their girlfriends to pay for them.

BugglyB

Your problem at the moment is that he sees you as being between him and what he wants out of life and what he wants to do. I promise while you are delivering your carefully constructed 'talk' all he will hear is blah blah blah nag nag nag the old ball and chain and nothing will change.

I would scrap the joint account. Pay half the bills yourself and leave him to pay the other half. How long is left on your tenancy? I would plan to move out at the end of it - you dont have to break up but it may give him a wake up call.

Well done for getting your debt down. Also, I am going to creamfields and I have a dj set and I'm not a druggie or a loser so please dont just make assumptions

19lottie82

BugglyB wrote: »

. Pay half the bills yourself and leave him to pay the other half.

NOT WISE! If the bills are in both your names, your creditors will chase BOTH of you if any amount is outstanding, so if you've paid half and he pays none, then you may as well ahve paid nothing! Your credit rating will still be wrecked.

As long as the bills are in both your names, you'll need to keep chasing him to amke sure he DOES pay his half!

savingmummy

Firstly i would come out of the joint bank account! It will effect your credit history.
You need to be firm with him about it, he will never change and you could end up in terrible money issues.
He needs to become debtfree before he thinks about buying things he don`t need!

kataklysm

Ohhh welcome to my world.. The first thing you should know is that men NEVER grow out of this. If its not the DJ set, its a motorbike / ride-on mower / gaming PC... or in my case guitars/amps/recording equipment... Reminding them that food also needs to be on the table makes YOU the big grumpy woman standing in the way of their dreams... man.

So facing this head on, he may decide he doesn't want a woman nagging at him about responsibility, or you may decide he's not worth wasting your time and patience on. Either way, you can't just let your finances get out of control, have bailiffs turning up on your doorstep, an angry family and a ruined credit file. So more likely, you'll both decide that your relationship is worth a tiny bit more than a DJ set, and find a way to work through it, like most couples who fight about money (ie everyone ).

The financial answer to this question is easy: you have a joint account with both your salaries paid in. That means you know exactly what goes in and what has to go out. It also means that if you are determined enough, you can put a stop to this silliness right now. It's not HIS money. This problem affects how BOTH of you live your lives, not to mention your relationship. You can't save for anything, you have no buffer if one of you loses your job, and you certainly won't have a wedding any time soon. He's off spending willy nilly while you worry about the consequences. It's Just Not On.

Do whatever you can to get this message through; make a spreadsheet showing all your payments and debits over the next year or two; work out when you'll be free of debt, decide on a reasonable monthly fun spend each to take out in cash, and then leave *all* the remaining money alone until the debt is paid. Let him know he can spend his monthly cash on whatever he likes, driving lessons, festivals etc, but once its gone, he can't have more. Because there isn't any more. If he wants a DJ set, he'll have to save for it. Hopefully this will teach him a bit of money management. Being poor sucks; being poor AND in lots of debt sucks harder.

Of course, how he responds will tell you whether you have a future together. If he doesn't learn this now, think about what will happen down the line when you have a mortgage / kids etc. Good luck, and be firm.

CH27

Close the joint account ASAP.

Tell your parents not to lend him another penny.

I would also say you need to have a long think about wether or not you wish to live the rest of your life this way.