Bulimia Relapse

Foodhoarder

Hi Cuppa.
I have read thru the post here and yes, there are some great ideas here and hope that you have been able to gain some support.

I felt compelled to write in and let you know my experiences. I have been bulimic since i was 12 years old. I used to throw up my school dinner, spend pocket money on sweets and throw up. I have had periods of my life where i have refrained from purging, but the binging remains a constant. I have managed my weight with varying success over the years with diet (and purging) and also exercise... sadly i have had to pull out of the gym as i made myself quite ill over-exercising to the point of injury on several occassions, fainting spelling in the gym meant they revoked my membership. I have been a very heavy lady though, and i had to diet the hard and fast way otherwise i lost motivation and binged (cos hey, whats the point if you are not losing anything!)

You may also be suprised to hear that i am a counsellor myself. Please dont judge me... I have been able throughout my counselling work to help others address their own eating patterns , help them identify trigger points, how foods become 'good or bad' throughout childhood experiences, how controlling food intake make people feel etc. I have of course had many (and i mean MANY!) counselling sessions around my own issue.

I have now reached a point where i currently binge maybe one night a week and i ensure i do not purge in any way. The disgust i feel usually ensures i am 'good' for the rest of the week, otherwise the scales will start to show my 'badness'. I set this as a goal for myself. I try to notice how lonliness impacts on my eating and work hard to keep busy, see friends and the like.

I recently got into a relationship with a man, we are extremely close, he is very attentive and noticed my strange behaviour around meal times... For the first time in my adult life i was able to speak to someone who was not paid by me to listen to my struggle. This in itself has been the most significant thing for me. He still loves and accepts me regardless of where i am at. I always felt disgusted by my own behaviour, I am sure you can probably identify with some of what i am saying.

The thing i am trying to say is that therapists vary a great deal in their ability to help the patients. Some therapists have personal experience of an eating disorder, some might disclose their own history... others hide behide a professional persona as they do not want the stigma of once having suffered from some ailment, or their continued struggle.

In my own experience, I have never told a patient that i have had experince, they always just seem to know that i 'know' what they are going through... the unspoken bond created in therapy and its healing potential is powerful. If you want to enter into therapy, make sure you have an intial meeting session, get a feel for ther therpaist, if you feel uncomfortable address it in session. Its you health, your care and your choice about who helps you!

I wish you all the best

CuppaTea

Thank you Milli and Food horder for posting so honestly and articulately, we all seem to be able to identify and know what we are doing, but yet food controls us to a greater degree.

This thread has been a revelation, comfort and somewhere to turn, for which i am truely thankful.

Foodhorder, you have shown us that even the professionals are human and may have issues of varying need and aren't all text book. I'm so sorry you have your own battle but for i bet every person who's posted here they are glad you did, it shows the other side and makes me more aware of how common this really is.

I wouldn't judge you or anyone else here who admitted an eating disorder of any kind, how could I? And who would want to not offer anything other than a kind word or moral support. Despite knowing this I couldn't admit in real life my struggles as its personal to me and i don't want everyone knowing my business or private goings on.

Anyway to update, today after waking up feeling like I really didn't want to get out of bed or do anything, felt extremely grumpy and irritable and shouted at the kids for nothing, I decided to bite the bullet and made an appt to see my nurse. She was very kind and supportive as usual, put me back on AD's, referred me to mental health again!!! (i had to complete the questionnaire and was suprised at how high i scored this time) and also referred me to a dietician for ensure milkshakes. They have stopped giving them via doctors due to cost, so the docs were offering complan. I explained to my nurse that i preferred the ensure as it was a meal replacement if i was having a bad food day, they are portable and easily digested so less likely to purge. She was really understanding and could see my point, so suggested the referral with the view it could be sorted out over the phone rather than an appt.

I haven't mentioned previously that over the years (if you haven't gathered) i've suffered serious depression on and off and so i'm known to mental health, since having the kids i tried to start afresh, but no PND kicked in and got me big time so i guess i'm still rolling with the punches.

PS. To anyone else on medication suffering bulimia, I take my meds last thing at night so i know they get absorbed, there is always a risk during the day that they don't 100% sink in!

millymoomoo_2

Hi Cuppa, great news that you have seen the nurse:T

I'm struggling tonight:(

annie12

CuppaTea wrote: »

Hi everyone,

I wondered if anyone could help, advise or simply relate with my problem as i feel quite alone.

I've had eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) on and off since late teens, manage to stop when pregnant and for a while after my children were born, but over this last year its crept back to a daily event (bulimia) and i know its wrong but can't seem to stop.

I know i need to tackle this for my sake and the childrens but some days i seem committed other days i can't cope with it.

I've been to the doctors in the last few months and they recommended counselling, but years back i had that (cognitive therapy), TBH i found it useless.

The only thing that really stopped me in the past was wanting a family and being pregnant. All the time I had those reasons to do the best for the life inside me I found it easy.

Please no lectures, I'm not a young teenager, i'm an older mum, but i am struggling with this and wondered if anyone can relate to me? If you've been through this how did you change.

Right now i'm craving a mcdonalds (i have been for weeks now and i havne't bought one as i know it won't stay down). I keep thinking if i buy one it might stop the craving, but i don't know.

I'm not after medical advice, I know all that, but i guess i'm after someone who has been there done that and help me realise this relapse has gone on long enough and needs to stop again.

Thanks.

My sister is anorexic & bulimic.
She has suffered for 30 years.
To be honest, it is so complex that I do think you need professional help to get to the root cause.
There is no point trying to change your behaviour if you don't know the reason for it.

Most sufferers have an 'event' that started them on the downward spiral, for my sister it was the death of our dad. She hasn't recovered because she won't deal with the real issue.

I hope I've made sense & that you can find out what started the eating disorder.

leftieM

Hi all.
I just wanted to add my bit as I was bulimic during my teens and twenties and haven't been for 11 years.
I stopped because I knew it was wrecking everything for me. I was a shambles mentally and physically. I could do nothing after binging and purging. I used it an excuse not to get on with things.
I made a conscious decision not to carry on with it. I went to the doc and got prozac, which had helped me stop earlier although I relapsed then. This time I took prozac, stopped binging and continued to be free of the illness when that prescription ran out. I didn't need prozac, or any medication, to remain free.
This may sound trite and I hope it doesn't belittle what you are going through. I just want to share what worked for me. When I decided to break free of bulimia I accepted that weight gain would occur and I avoided weighing myself as a result. I decided to eat when I wanted and let the consequences be what they would be. I stopped any form of dieting or food control.
The result of this was that I re-established the relationship between being hungry and eating. When I started eating to satisfy hunger I stopped binging. Over the years since I have been free of bulimia I have learned that my mood dips sharply when I am hungry and the years of depression that I had suffered were caused by bulimia and messing with food. Bulimia was not the coping mechanism I had thought.
I have heaps of problems but I don't binge to deal with it. I get down but I I don't suffer from depression any more since I stopped being bulimic.
I hope you find the way through it. There will always be pain but I believe that bulimia adds to pain rather than alleviating it.
To add, I didn't balloon in size. I'm pretty much the same size as I was 11 years ago, with everything dragged a little further south after 11 years and 2 children!

Molly41

Yes the fear of ballooning is huge but very often doesnt happen. After the initial period of readjustment as the metabolism kicks back in the weight stabilises.

Foodhoarder

Hi Cuppa,
I am pleased that you found my post to be of some comfort and brought some insight into the struggles of those (attempt to!) who help others.

I'm sorry that you have been struggling, but was hearten to hear that you are seeking some medical advice. Lets hope that you dont have too long to wait to see some one from you MH team.

I used to take Sertraline 100mg daily for bulimia and depression, It helped a little with the obsessive thoughts around food. I took them for around 6 months at night time and took myself off when i was 'better'. Today i am still one of those people who is eating breakfast and planning what to have for lunh, then dinner... what 'snacks' i can safely afford to have without causing another cycle.

Personally I had a terrible weekend food wise. I spent it at my BF place, he cooked... I couldn't bear to see it wasted. I did not purge though, just had far too much to eat, trousers were TIGHT this morning! So will be spending the week eating carrots and watching the scales til i get fed up of that and give in. I'm determind to stay strong, just as i know you are Cuppa.

Big hugs!

gingin_2

leftieM wrote: »

Hi all.
I just wanted to add my bit as I was bulimic during my teens and twenties and haven't been for 11 years.
I stopped because I knew it was wrecking everything for me. I was a shambles mentally and physically. I could do nothing after binging and purging. I used it an excuse not to get on with things.
!

It's interesting, I think Bulimia is a really hard thing to treat because everyone's stories are so different. For me, I almost felt invigorated after I had purged, it was only after I had done it that I was able to get going again. I never once cried or got upset over it, it was almost like a friend to me. I never viewed it as something that was inside me, or my head, more like something that came to visit externally and then left again until the next time.

What did make me stop, which probably totally contradicts what I have just said, is that I had a daughter who is so sweet and innocent and perfect that I knew I would be letting her down if she ever went the same way as me and my mother.


Buttonmoons, I hope you are doing okay, I have been thinking about you.