advice/thoughts on meeting estranged parent?

Noctu

Good luck sweetie... I have been through the same. This may sound negative but I'd recommend that you try not to have any pre-conceived ideas or hopes before meeting him.
Mich easier to say than to do I know... but in my experience, people and situations can be very different from what you thought or hoped they would be!
Let us know how you get on? x

harrys_nan

I have also been in your situation, never met my dad til i was 40, he and my mum split up when i was 18months old. I glad i met him but didnt have long enough to get to know him, he also lived in Canada so we couldnt just pop around to see each other. We met twice, once here and once in Canada.I was lucky in the sense that his new family knew all about me although my half sister didnt seem to keen on me becoming part of "her " family
I never called him dad if I spoke to him but did write Dad in a letter.
I hope things work out the way you want it, enjoy the meet up xx

Pee

my advice is that if you are mad at him you are not ready to meet him, and the fact you are asking for advice means that you know you need to keep a check on your emotions and get to know him.

You need to be an adult and understand that whilst your mum did what she thought was right there are probably elements of her behaviour that caused your father to leave.

My boyfriend felt pushed out by his ex being unreasonable when in hindsight it seems to me like she was struggling with post natal depression and unable to ask for help - this was a few years ago. Both of them did what they felt was right in the circumstances and neither was unreasonable, but they both really hurt one another and hurt the children.

Bear in mind that your Dad may well feel that he was wronged and that your mum caused him to miss out on years of your life, best to understand this is just how people feel when relationships go wrong, you possibly have learnt this by experience by now.

I would have a list of topics you can bring up if need be in case your Dad is shy or lost for words, best topics would be things you know interest him, but maybe where he grew up, where he went to school, who were his best friends in school, what was his favourite subject, stuff that goes back to a neutral time.

Best of luck. You only have one Dad so I hope you like him as you get to know him.

make_me_wise

Ive never been in this position or had to face what you are. Couldn't read and run and just want to wish you well with meeting your dad. I hope it will be all you want it to be and that you can get answers to some undoubtedly difficult questions. Good luck OP.

Sid_Wolf

good luck, i wish i had a guts to do the same, i havent seen my dad since i was a few months old. TBH im not too bothered, i have my daddio(step dad who's been around since i was in nursery )

clearingout

Pee wrote: »

my advice is that if you are mad at him you are not ready to meet him, and the fact you are asking for advice means that you know you need to keep a check on your emotions and get to know him.

You need to be an adult and understand that whilst your mum did what she thought was right there are probably elements of her behaviour that caused your father to leave.

This is a ridiculous statement. What goes on between two adults is nothing at all to do with the children. OP's mum could be a total moo, but that doesn't excuse him walking away and not supporting his child emotionally, practically or financially, particularly as he's obviously done well for himself if his other children went to private school. He's also obviously capable of sustaining a relationship if he's been married for a while, even if it hasn't worked out. Equally, he's obviously understands what it is to have children, care for them,want the best for them, so why on earth has he ignored one of his own for so long?

OP - I was brought up in a 'normal' household, but I have three children by my ex who, like your dad, has walked away from them and refuses to support them. As you have suggested, the reason for this I believe lies with the insecurities of his new partner (woman he left me for) and her refusal to face up to the fact that he has a past. He's all for an easy life! I do my best not to bad mouth him as I know the children love him (they're very young - our youngest conceived, like you were, right at the point we were separating) and I certainly would never stop them seeing him. I hope in years to come, they are able to build a decent relationship with him and I hope I am able to give them the courage and skills to be able to stand up to him and recognise his lies, deceit, inability to face his responsibilities and general ducking and diving. Ask the questions you need to ask, digest what he tells you and then go back and ask more questions. You deserve answers. Good luck!