advice/thoughts on meeting estranged parent?

confused201

Just wondered if anybody had been in this situation as well...

I'm meeting my father soon, who I've never met before, through his own doing. We have been speaking on the phone for a few days and this has been quite amicable but the more I think about it, I find myself getting mad about things.

I just wondered if anyone could share their own experiences.

feelex

When I was 14 I found out that my 'Dad' might not be my biological father.
Paternity tests were taken and it was proved that he wasn't. He lived in England while I lived in Scotland, so while I started speaking with my biological Dad over the internet, my non-bio Dad (as I called him) took a huge step back.
[just a side note, my Mum and non-bio Dad always knew there was a 50% chance I wasn't his, but my biological Dad had NO idea of my existance until he got back in touch with an old friend who told him he might have a daughter. So I'm assuming the situations are a bit different - none of the angry unanswered questions on my part. I can't imagine how I'd have felt if there was that added pressure, too.]
My biological Dad and I met and had MANY differences. He's a catholic who put his children (my siblings) to catholic school. I was a teenager with lip piercings and blue hair, who hated organised religion. We shared a sense of humour and because we only saw eachother a few times a year we managed to get along for the most part - as long as he didn't pressure me into going to chapel or insult my Mum repeatedly ("If I'd raised you, you wouldn't get away with dressing like a freak" etc).
My non-bio Dad got back in touch a few years later and I got bad bouts of depression and anxiety, mostly over feeling awkward about silly things, like who I should call Dad. I was referred to a counsellor (or three), where they told me that I could call ANYONE Dad that I want - it is just a title, and they should BOTH be honoured to hear it.
Unfortunately, my non-bio Dad passed away the next week. I still don't feel comfortable calling my biological Dad 'Dad', as I feel that I'm betraying non-bio Dad in some way. My biological father and I very rarely speak now. I'm in a relationship with a man fifteen years older than me and it spurred my bio Dad to say some very hurtful things. He has since apologised and said we've stood the test of time, so he knows this wasn't me being 'tricked' by some horrible older man, or acting on a whim by being with him... But things are awkward and worse than they've ever been between us.

You have questions you need answered, so you should meet him. Just don't accept anything that doesn't sit right with you, and let him know that you've done well without him for all of these years, so it's HIM that needs to make things up to YOU. If there is another father figure in your life, make sure he is completely okay with everything. Don't make him feel shut out - that is the one thing I regret above everything else. And remember that you are the 'child' in all of this, no matter how old you are. Things can always be done on your terms, and you don't ever need to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.

confused201

wow that must have been hard for you. I have never had a stepdad so never had a father figure at all, but like you, I don't feel comfortable calling him 'dad', as I've never called anybody that, and I don't feel he deserves that yet.

It has been hard as he and my mother were married for ten years and actually conceived me as they were getting divorced, he was there when I was born and a baby but then met and married someone else and that's where things went wrong. He lives 250 miles away, but all his family still live here and have blanked me all my life. Also while my mum struggled for money etc he was living the high life and sending his children to private school, so I feel a bit resentful about that.

But like you and your dad, we do share a sense of humour and even though we've only been speaking for a few days we get on well. I guess I just have to play it by ear but it's such a weird situation.

McKneff

And I guarantee you that you have mithered all this time and you will be so overcome the moment yu see him, you give him a hug, he may be needs your forgiveness, if your willing to do that he will know that this is the start of the process.

Good luck and I hope all goes well for you.

confused201

he says he can't wait to see me and has apologised etc and he definitely wants a hug, don't think I've any choice about that!

feelex

Yes, its a very weird situation. But like the poster above said, when you meet there will be a bond, you will hug eachother and probably get along. Don't push yourself to do anything you feel uncomfortable with - don't rush yourself.
You'll probably make awkward jokes and idle chit chat for a bit before getting down to serious chat. Just remember not to put pressure on yourself. It'll be a nerve-wracking situation as it is.

confused201

another point to make is that he has recently split up with his 2nd wife, and I know this wouldn't be happening if he was still with her, and even he has admitted that. but hey, it is happening now and he says he's sticking around.

whitewing

confused201 wrote: »

another point to make is that he has recently split up with his 2nd wife, and I know this wouldn't be happening if he was still with her, and even he has admitted that. but hey, it is happening now and he says he's sticking around.

There will be thousands of reasons to be resentful. Acknowledge the feelings and talk them through. A lot of people go for the easy route, but that doesn't mean he won't be capable of great love towards you in the future. You'll both need adjustment time. You may meet and it all be okay.

feelex

Good luck mate x

confused201

thanks, it's so nice to be able to just talk about it with people who are nothing to do with the situation! My mum is fine about it, luckily (well that's probably the wrong word to use) she was in a similar situation herself. She met her dad and it didn't work out as he wanted her kept a secret from his family, but at least she knows how I'm feeling.

barbiedoll

I hope it goes well for you but I can understand your resentment, you have every right to feel that way.

My parents split when I was young and I haven't seen my dad since I was 10 yrs old. My brother did track him down when he was a teenager but all my dad was concerned about was that my brother was after money from him. He did ask about me but I wasn't that bothered about meeting him, as far as I was concerned, he could stick his money. (Not that he had any, last I heard, he was living in a mobile home in Canvey Island!:rotfl:) His new partner was very jealous of us and from what I can gather, that was one of the reasons that he stopped contact, I know my mum didn't prevent him from seeing us. Now that he is alone and his partner is dead, I wonder if he does think about us and if he wishes that things were different. I don't really think about him, and luckily for us, our mum was fantastic, I don't feel that I missed out, even though we always struggled for money.

If you have things to say to your dad, then say them. You have that right, even if it upsets him. You have missed out on seeing him because he wasn't strong enough to stand up to his new partner, I don't see why he shouldn't be reminded of that. And you have survived, grown and matured into who you are, despite him, not because of him. And there's no excuse for his family to have ignored you for so long, the same thing happened to me and I think that's dreadful, they should be ashamed of themselves. Do what is right for you and hopefully you will find a way forward and be able to build a relationship with your dad. Good luck and let us know how you get on.