marriage and depression please help

hurtandconfused_2

Hi

I'm writing this as I feel so hurt and need some advice. I'm 24 and so is my husband we have been together for 5 and a half years and married for five months, we have two children .

In october last year my husband was acting very oddly, he suffers with certain anxietys and ocd behaviors but in October he became constantly moody, refused to talk to me, nasty , sleepy , unexciable and generally horrible. We had planned our wedding for the February. This behaviour carried on for ten weeks, I went to family for advice and constantly tried to talk and resolve the situated but got nowhere. After ten weeks I told him I was thinking of leaving as I couldn't live that way and neither could our children. He started crying which I thought was a major breakthrough as he doesn't very often show emotional behavior and said he didn't knknow what was wrong and wanted ny help.

I straight away hugged him and cried with relief probably and vowed to help him. This was hard for me as it felt like a kind of get out of jail for free card and like the way he treated me for two and a half months I had to forget . I went with him to the doctors and listened as he said he feels bored all the time and like he can snap out of feeling down . The doctor diagnosed depression and prescribed 10mg of citopram once a day . I told ny husband I was only staying as he promised to get help and if he helped himself ie doctors then I would fully support him. He took the tablets for approx four months. I cannot describe the difference, I had my lovely, social, happy boyfriend back. We agreed to go ahead and get married and were very happy.

Now he's stopped taking the tablets he has ok days and horrible days but it seems to get worse . On holiday last week I said you have forgotten your tablets and he was like well Ive not taken them for two months and basically accused me of being controlling and that I like him drugged up which us absurd. On holiday he was very disintrested he said be was ill the first half but when he was better he didn't talk much like if we were sat at the show whilst kids were playing it would be in near enough silence. We do t have sex that often maybe once every 4-5 weeks. If I ask for a kiss he just puckers up as if I'm his gran. He never touches me sexually or intimatley, our evening normally consists of sitting.g in different couches. I'm always trying for example Texting how's your day or saying in holiday are you having a nice time. I try to be affectionate but he is not back.
I tried to talk to him about it last night and he just doesn't look at me when I talk and says I'm nagging and moaning and he's not going to listen to forty years of it. Whenever I make my points he's like well why did you marry me I'm not romantic and never will be a SAP. I'm not asking for grand gestures I'm just asking for abit if love is that to much??

I was crying when talking and be didn't seem bothered he actually even said if I never kissed him again he wouldn't be bothered which he then couldn't understand myshock and complete hurt at the comment. He Thinks its a normal thing to say.

To be honest I don't know if this is depression or if its just how is is now, I feel so unhappy and unloved . I don't know what to do. Even this morning he's stomping around saying he's sick if the kids because the youngest was crying.

I feel at breaking point

Judith_W

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. To me it sounds like the depression speaking, but some of this is likely to be underlying feelings.

TBH if he doesn't feel the need to seek treatment to ensure your relationship stays strong, then I don't think it is likely to get much better. My hubby suffers from depression and he has always worked hard to ensure he is getting the best treatment whether it is drugs or other. He also works hard to do more around the house etc when he is having a 'good day' as he knows I pick up the slack when he's having a hard time.

I would perhaps say how you feel and how you think his behavour has changed, he perhaps can't see it at the moment if he is clouded with depression, but if he isn't willing to change, it's not healthy for you to have to put up with this, and it can't be a good environment for your children either

hurtandconfused_2

Yes I do feel it is his depression but he really can't see it or pretends he can't which one I don't know. He makes me feel bad for mentioning the tablets and implies he only ever took them to shut me up and he doesn't Think he needed them. He actually said last night that I should go to the doctors because I'm obsessed meaning because I was talkin about feeling unloved ect and implied I needed help because I feel this way!

It is like talking to a brick wall, he hasn't talked to the doctor about stopping the tablets , I see him take one every so often but obviously that isn't going to work.

I honestly don't know where to go from here his famous words are if you don't like it then !!!! off or do one or you know where the door is. He makes me feel like I'm going mad and that he isn't depressed he argues it that well

Lotus-eater

Does he really love you still? Have you asked him?
If he won't go to the doctors or take the tablets, you can't make him, only take him at face value.

Kira000

I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time. I can sympathise. My ex admitted to me he had manic depression 4 months into our relationship, by which time i was "bought in" IYSWIM.

When he was being "normal", he was lovely, affectinate, and funny and warm, but when he wasnt, he was spiteful, hurtful, distant, negative, lethargic etc. but worst of all, he couldn't or wouldnt see the difference. It was compounded by the fact that when he took the tablets he felt better, so thought he didnt need them, and would stop taking them, the illness would then kick in, but by that point he couldnt see he needed to take them again.

I stuck it out for a year, trying to work with his lovely family to help him, during which time he wrecked my confidence in myself with his snidey comments and hurtful statements, and swings from lovely to loathsome, and worse , made me feel terrible for feeling like leaving, as though i should just put up with it. In the end, although i knew it was the illness making him like that, i had to get out, before i damaged my own mental health. I heard about him from mutual friends for about 10 years afterwards, and he kept the same cycle of getting better on pills, stopping when he felt better, then refusing them. He ended up being sectioned a few times for his own and others safety when he refused to take them. My DH also has a friend with Manic depression, and he experiences the same if he comes of the pills, and then cant see that he needs them, and needs an intervention from outside.

Obviously your OH was diagnosed with depression, but could it be Manic depression, which is not always spotted first time by GP if they are on a down at time of diagnosis? Has/does he ever have swings where he becomes totally unrecognisably happy and nice?
There are many people out there who will happily continue to take their pills, but others will alway struggle with it. I cant really tell you the best thing for you, but whilst it feels awful to walk away and not support unconditionally, the person you are with, if it is affecting your health and mental wellbeing, and that of your children, which it will, then you have a responsibility to you and them as well.

Good luck hon,
Kx

hurtandconfused_2

Yeah he said he does Love me and does care to which I replied how do you show it and he said he goes to work to support us ( so do I ) and he cooks (so do I) he seems to Think I'm asking to much for conversation , kisses, sex , intimacy . We used to have such a laugh and we did again when he was on those tablets.

He never would hug me or put his arm around me, he never kisses me anymore its always.me who has to ask . The times we do have sex its no foreplay just sex ( for me anyway ) he doesn't say nice things like I just completed my first year at bu uni he just said its about time you did something . He says it was a joke but he never actually said well done or anything .

We went on a night out with my sister and her fella of two years and my mate and her new bf. It was hard watching those girls recieve attention and gettibg kisses an arms around them. He didn't so much as touch me once all night, yet laughed in my face when I said this last night and said I'm talking !!!! and he's not that type of person . There just like that because there in new relationships

hurtandconfused_2

Kira000 wrote: »

I'm so sorry you are having such a bad time. I can sympathise. My ex admitted to me he had manic depression 4 months into our relationship, by which time i was "bought in" IYSWIM.

When he was being "normal", he was lovely, affectinate, and funny and warm, but when he wasnt, he was spiteful, hurtful, distant, negative, lethargic etc. but worst of all, he couldn't or wouldnt see the difference. It was compounded by the fact that when he took the tablets he felt better, so thought he didnt need them, and would stop taking them, the illness would then kick in, but by that point he couldnt see he needed to take them again.

I stuck it out for a year, trying to work with his lovely family to help him, during which time he wrecked my confidence in myself with his snidey comments and hurtful statements, and swings from lovely to loathsome, and worse , made me feel terrible for feeling like leaving, as though i should just put up with it. In the end, although i knew it was the illness making him like that, i had to get out, before i damaged my own mental health. I heard about him from mutual friends for about 10 years afterwards, and he kept the same cycle of getting better on pills, stopping when he felt better, then refusing them. He ended up being sectioned a few times for his own and others safety when he refused to take them. My DH also has a friend with Manic depression, and he experiences the same if he comes of the pills, and then cant see that he needs them, and needs an intervention from outside.

Obviously your OH was diagnosed with depression, but could it be Manic depression, which is not always spotted first time by GP if they are on a down at time of diagnosis? Has/does he ever have swings where he becomes totally unrecognisably happy and nice?
There are many people out there who will happily continue to take their pills, but others will alway struggle with it. I cant really tell you the best thing for you, but whilst it feels awful to walk away and not support unconditionally, the person you are with, if it is affecting your health and mental wellbeing, and that of your children, which it will, then you have a responsibility to you and them as well.

Good luck hon,
Kx

Thankyou for posting he does this cycle exactly and gets better then can't see he needs it. He is never manic happy though just normal when he's on then the man he used to be and the man I Love. I feel so torn, I just wish he could fully understand how I feel. He made a mockery of my feelings last night and even said are you on your period . I feel so drained with it.

My confidence is gone too , can't remember the last time he made me feel wanted or attractive . Prob was our wedding day.

hurtandconfused_2

He would never do anything to warrant being sectioned he's just spitefull, moody, silent and cold when he's in depressive mode. His ocd and anxiety also kicks in

Lotus-eater

hurtandconfused wrote: »

Yeah he said he does Love me and does care to which I replied how do you show it and he said he goes to work to support us ( so do I ) and he cooks (so do I) he seems to Think I'm asking to much for conversation , kisses, sex , intimacy . We used to have such a laugh and we did again when he was on those tablets.

He never would hug me or put his arm around me, he never kisses me anymore its always.me who has to ask . The times we do have sex its no foreplay just sex ( for me anyway ) he doesn't say nice things like I just completed a college course and got I to uni but he just said its about time you did something . He says it was a joke but he never actually said well done or anything .

We went on a night out with my sister and her fella of two years and my mate and her new bf. It was hard watching those girls recieve attention and gettibg kisses an arms around them. He didn't so much as touch me once all night, yet laughed in my face when I said this last night and said I'm talking !!!! and he's not that type of person . There just like that because there in new relationships

We're all different and we all sometimes change. If he's not the man who makes you happy, or who you want to be with the rest of your life... well, you have to decide.
I can't see him changing.

hurtandconfused_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

We're all different and we all sometimes change. If he's not the man who makes you happy, or who you want to be with the rest of your life... well, you have to decide.
I can't see him changing.

That's the thing when he's on the tablets he does make me happy and I do love him. It's just so draining going through these cycles . I don't want to break up our family but I also want him to take responsibility for his illness I just don't know how to get through to him x

Lotus-eater

Show him this thread.