Stormybay's Thread a bit of comfort in a hard world

vivaladiva

Stormy,
Wishing you strength for tomorrrow. You and your family will be in my thoughts.
Bizzimum.x

Stormybay

Thank you all so much, my mind is racing, doing overtime, Step daughter has arrived from London, things are closing in on me.
I have had flowers today and they are beautiful, all I can think of though is just that I want him back, I physically ache and am so churned up. At least I've eaten today, DD3 and I had a picnic on the lounge floor surrounded by cards, flowers and photos DD3's idea, and it was quite lovely. She said to me, Mum, Dad will always be here because of me! Wise words from an 11 year old, and how right she is. She was 11 2 weeks before John died and we bought her a digital camera, she showed my some photo's that she had taken of him that I'd not seen before, so we had a talk about that brithday and she was so pleased she took those last photo's of him.
She has started a diary, she says that everyday she will write in it her thoughts about that day. So far it's Dad, football and sponge Bob Square pants.........God love her.....
She's just gone to bed and reminded me to bring tissues, as she remembered at my Dad's funeral only 6 months ago that it was dad that provided them.
All is quiet and subdued in the house, DD1 (21), DS1 (19), DS2 (16) are all in tonight, they are watching TV and making sure I'm ok. They are SO good, I'm lucky to have them. I was very quiet this afternoon when DD2 and my grandson came around, so she is texting me too, to make sure all is well. It's funny because I thought I was hiding my grief, obviously not!
I'm thinking that tomorrow will be dreadful whatever, so I should not expect it to be any less than that.
Grabbin all the hugs I can from you guys and will be distributing those around my children too.
Stormy

sophiesmum_2

Hi Stormybay,
Just wanted to send you a hug and some reassurance for tomorrow.i have written and rewritten this post so many times as it is hard to put into writing what I am trying to say.
I just wanted to add my wishes to everyone elses, we will be thinking about you and your family tomorrow and willing you to get through the day okay.
Try and think of it as a celebration of the life of your hubby,of the life that you had together and the lovely family that you have who are his legacy.
Please try and get some sleep tonight, it will be a long day.
God Bless
sophiesmum

sarymclary

Dear Stormy,
info stuff first. here's a link to the cruse bereavement website for kids/teens: http://www.rd4u.org.uk/ My boys went on here a few weeks after their dad died, and left a message on the post board. It might help for them to know that there are people out there the same age, younger maybe, or a bit older, who have been through something similar, and can relate to their emotions right now. I didn't make a big song and dance about it, I just sent the link in an email to their addresses they have on our home PC, and left it up to them to go to it whenever they felt like it. I looked into books about it, but felt that they probably wouldn't want to read anything immediately. Get in touch with the school though, because they do have a system there to deal with bereavement. They even have little postcards that they can fill out to give to their friends that say something like 'I lost someone I really cared about, and I don't always know how to talk about it', stuff like that. It's simple, but it's effective. There are 4 children of similar ages at their school who have been through something similar, so they will have a way to deal with it. School was where my eldest finally 'cracked' and the tears came in the middle of registration. No warning to it, and it caught him completely by surprise (and his teacher)! Just keep looking out for any signs in the future weeks/months.

Re. the car. You will need to change the insurance into your name, as it would probably prove to be 'technically' uninsured now. You can swap the DVLA certificate over too once you have time, but the insurance is the important part.

Re. no Will. You are your husband's next of kin, and that's all that's needed. He's left no major assets, if he had debts in his own name they'll be cleared. Joint debts will become your's. Probate is only applied for when there are larger sums of money involved. You won't have to pay anything at all to any government body (inheritance tax is due when a large sum approaching £300k is inherited - here's a link detailing it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inheritance_Tax_%28United_Kingdom%29 )
I dealt with all my husband's paperwork, which entailed closing down his Ltd Company, but it was only paperwork. I did most of it via post, so prepare a letter on the PC, which you can fill in the blanks to for the relevant reference number/name, bank account, etc. Once the printer is working again, you can send them out. There's really no rush, don't panic about it as it can take as long as you want. I kept everything to do with my husband's death in 1 file, and it was still sat on my desk a year later, because something always crops up that you didn't think of. Now isn't the time for dealing with administration, unless you want the diversion it may bring.

As for the coping part. Well, I doubt anyone could have told me how to cope at the beginning, because I didn't feel like I was in the real world anyway. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, life felt pointless, and people's worries seemed frivilous and stupid, because what was the point in worrying about things that mean nothing in death?

I think I just pulled my children around me like a security blanket. I was lucky to have my youngest still very young, so he was a breath of normality in a mad world. Constantly with tears behind my eyes, and a lump in the back of my throat just attempting to soldier on. I didn't do it for me at all, but for my boys and for my husband. So, on the outside I was being their rock, and the ever capable Sarah, but what they didn't see was that in the middle of filling the washing mashine I was a blubbering wreck. When my back was turned doing the vegetables I was actually crying. I just didn't want to scare my two younger boys, who hadn't really seen me cry before. Perhaps I should have prepared them better for when the floodgates opened in church though. They still comment now and say 'oh mummy, you cried the most out of everybody' like it was a competition! That's what you get for bottling it all up I suppose.

How can I prepare you for saying goodbye to John? I can't, and I truly wish I could. Deal with it in your way. I don't think you'll really feel he's gone anyway, how can he be when you still love him so much? I think that as long as they're in your heart, they're a part of you, and it stays with you forever. I tried to see the funeral as a celebration for Jayson's life, to make what seemed like too short a life mean something to everyone else, apart from me. The vicar will be lovely, no doubt about that, and you'll find a comfort there alone. I was also struck with the wonderful dignity the funeral chaps displayed, and the marvellous manner in which they dealt with my husband, and felt they were caring for him on my behalf.

Afterwards, perhaps do as I did, and pretend he's away working for a year - it sort of worked. Yes, I knew I was deluding myself, but it helped to get me through. A couple of times I was convinced I saw him walking down the street (back to me), or that he'd just driven past in his car. I had to reimind myself in those moments that it couldn't be. Most of all I remembered all the wonderful times we had, and was thankful to have had them. I find photographs a bit hard even now to ponder over, but I know over time they'll be more of a comfort. I have home video too, but I can't really watch that - although the children love to watch them.

I can't tell you tomorrow won't be the hardest day of your life, because it feels like it will be now, and it will feel like it tomorrow too. You'll have lots of people around you tomorrow who will be worrying about you, and the children. They'll be there for you, as much as they are for John, so take comfort in knowing how much you're both loved, and draw strength from that if you can.

Sending my heartfelt wishes to you and your family. I will naturally be thinking of you. Sarah x

Stormybay

Sarah,
I don't know what to say, your posts are an inspiration.............I thought I saw him today, my mind is playing tricks.
I'm crying and can't write much.......just
thank you Sarah, and everyone else....thank you

miggy

I just wanted to say I'll be praying for you tonight and tomorrow.
Massive !!!!{hugs}}} and a virtual hand hold.

kazzaw

Just read the thread from the beginning & my heart goes out to all those who have suffered a loss - especially Stormybay.

You are a wonderful person & I'm sure you will cope with everything tomorrow.

We'll all be thinking of you & will be here to share your sorrow, anger, frustrations, fear, loneliness & anything else you may feel in the near & distant future.

Hugs

Karen

x x x

Dumyat

just wanted to add my support to all the others who have posted here that have experienced the same sad loss as stormybay.
its still such a taboo subject and it is so warming to see the support you have offered her. I cant imagine how you all coped with the loss of your loved ones and looked after your children. I have such admiration.

smokybabe

I will be thinking of you and your family today Stormybay , I hope all goes well for you. <<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>.
Smoky xxxxx

chivers1977

I have been reading this thread since the start and I want to wish you and your children all the best for this difficult day. Today will signal a point that you can then move on from and deal with the loss in your own way. Love V xxxxxxxxxxxxxx