Why is money in my relationship such a 'downer'!

de1amo

İ am in my second marriage and hitting the same wall i did with my first wife--money obsession!
When my relationships start out there is no 'problem' with money but as time goes by the spectre of money becomes a big barrier to contentment. İn neither relationship has there been a shortage of funds but i become absorbed and silly arguements break out over silly things connected to money--i have been the main earner in both relationships and my view seems to resolve around the fact i am being heavily lent on or control.
Any analysts out there ready to offer oppinion! be kind

euronorris

Need more info:

Does your wife work and contribute? If so, is it an equal share?
Are other aspects of the relationship equal?

jackieglasgow

Greg do you not think your Bipolar clouds your judgement to some extent? In the time I have "known" you on here - although I do accept its a money saving site - you do obsess an awful lot about money, how to get it, how to save it, where to spend it etc., maybe you need to lighten up a little, and stop worrying about it so much? Have you sat down with your wife and worked out a family budget? She's an educated woman, I am sure she would be able to grasp the household economics if you did. Same with the school, do you have a proper business plan with a budget drawn up for the year? Is she, and your other partner, on board with this? I think reading between the lines, its more about your own need to control, which is causing you distress.

jetta_wales

What are the actual problems that you find money causes?

My OH and I are very much on the same page with money, we don't see it as his and mine everything it ours, if one account is down and the others is up we'll swap money over to balance them or we'll do all spending from his account only and spend no more than comes into it so any money coming into mine that is more than the bills going out of it, tots up quickly and that's how we save for stuff.

Maybe it's because we're always saving for something and we're very much a team in everything we try to achieve in life, that we never have any issues between us with money.

tattycath

jetta_wales wrote: »

What are the actual problems that you find money causes?

My OH and I are very much on the same page with money, we don't see it as his and mine everything it ours, if one account is down and the others is up we'll swap money over to balance them or we'll do all spending from his account only and spend no more than comes into it so any money coming into mine that is more than the bills going out of it, tots up quickly and that's how we save for stuff.

Maybe it's because we're always saving for something and we're very much a team in everything we try to achieve in life, that we never have any issues between us with money.

Yes, we're like this with our money-there is no mine and his, it's all ours no matter whose account it's in and regardless of who earns what. We never have issues with regards to money.

Person_one

de1amo wrote: »

İ am in my second marriage and hitting the same wall i did with my first wife--money obsession!
When my relationships start out there is no 'problem' with money but as time goes by the spectre of money becomes a big barrier to contentment. İn neither relationship has there been a shortage of funds but i become absorbed and silly arguements break out over silly things connected to money--i have been the main earner in both relationships and my view seems to resolve around the fact i am being heavily lent on or control.
Any analysts out there ready to offer oppinion! be kind

You are the common factor here. If the same problems are repeating themselves then I'm afraid its highly likely that you are the problem!

You are married, your wife should be able to 'lean on' you, and in a partnership of equals nobody should be 'controlling' anything singlehandedly without the full agreement of the other.

You being the higher earner is irrelevant, equal relationships should be a communist state.

BugglyB

I couldn't possibly tell you why money in your relationship might be such a downer, but I can think of someone who can

One bit of great advice a friend once gave me is if you know something is not right in your relationship ask your other half how they feel about it. Try and be open and really listen. Crucially, instead of rebutting or being defensive, imagine what it would be like for them if everything they said was true. Perhaps you and your wife could make some rules to make things a little easier like having a window of oppurtunity to disucss finances every day and not mentioning it during the rest of the day.

podperson

If the same thing is happening in two completely different relationships then I would be inclined to be looking at whether you are, at least partly, the problem. When you say you feel 'lent on' then to what extent? If it's a matter of you both work but you're earning more so you pay a larger share of the bills then I think that's perfectly fair. If you feel you're slogging your guts out while she stays home and overspends that's a different matter Do you have a family budget?

Tropez

You don't really provide enough information as to the situation.

What types of "silly arguments" are breaking out?

How exactly are you being lent on? And in what way is your partner controlling you?

From a practical point of view, there's no perfect way to disperse money in a relationship but both people have to be happy with the way that money is divided. What is making you unhappy?

de1amo

i have never quite managed to 'pin' either of my 'wifes' down to getting a budget! My old mum says its where i went wrong last time.

From our business my wife and i earn exactly the same but it seems down to me to pay everything apart from the food(i usually end up paying for that towards the end of the month). i live abroad and have income in the uk which makes me the 'bigger' earner and i buy any large purchase--cars property- improvements etc from that income.

İ got my position in life by being savvy and always saving about 50pc of what i had coming in, whereas my wife has never had a budget or saved for anything and so she continues! we feel on the same page but completely at odds-she spends and i save!! i feel put upon because when she has run out of her part of deal ie her wage she expects me to support her living beyond her means!

Person_one

You haven't managed to 'pin' your 'wifes' (sic) down?

For God's sake they aren't children, or dogs, or employees! Have you tried actually discussing finances and listening to their opinions on the subject from time to time?