Custody problem with 6month old

DX2

magee737 wrote: »

Not happy because he is spending to much time away from her. He is bottle fed yes, i think she would attend mediation but probably not agree to a 50.50 split. She can leave the country without any say so from me, its a joke

Actually she can't.

Hagar_uk

magee737 wrote: »

Not happy because he is spending to much time away from her. He is bottle fed yes, i think she would attend mediation but probably not agree to a 50.50 split. She can leave the country without any say so from me, its a joke

I have 10 month old, and have been in a similar situation with reduced access. The first thing to be aware of is if your have PR is she can not take him out the country without your agreement, if she has a residency order from the courts it can be I understand 4 weeks.

The access which you have at the moment has been very generous, if you go to court, you could end up with less, however the fact that you have so much access will stand you in good stead.

Go and see a lawyer, she may have already done so, hence the change of access. if she has her lawyer has probably told her everything she wanted to hear. My ex came back from her lawyer telling me her lawyer had suggested I be given 4 hours supervised visitation a week from 2 full days unsupervised access. even my ex thought this was silly.

The biggest advice people told me, was try and stay friendly with the mother, or on friendly terms, and take as much access as you can get. The more access you have and for as long as possible. The harder it is for the mother in court to say, your a bad father etc, baby is not used to you etc.

Make a log of all access and emails etc.

a good source for help is the forum on www.dads-uk.co.uk

good luck

clearingout

Try Families Need Fathers but if you want to hold onto the access you had, you need to act immediately so see a solicitor. You had what the courts call a 'status quo' - so for three months, you had him overnight for 3 nights a week. She has cut this down without giving any reasons which is not really acceptable. I presume he is settled when with you, switches between the two homes without too much difficulty? Feeds well? You are agreeing on a routine and sticking to it?

the sticking point is the child's age - most judges would assume a child that age is better off with mum. However, she was happy for him to go with you up till now so....

She can't take him out of the country without a residence order although if she does, unless you pursue her through court, nothing much is going to happen. Tactically, you could wait till she does that, take it to court and it will make her look dreadful which will strengthen your case (I am not suggesting you do that but it's an option and if she disappears, you have a bigger problem). Equally, as she has made the threat, ask a solicitor about applying for a Prohibited Steps Order (my ex got one against me for much less!) You need to be 'whiter than white' - no swearing, no threats, no abuse whatsoever towards her. Be careful what you text, or e-mail or what you say on the phone (can be recorded) and consider having a third party around for handovers in case she starts to make things up or goad you into behaving badly. Keep any texts, e-mails etc. she sends you and keep a diary of when you have the baby.

I don't recommend court as it will damage your relationship beyond all reasonable repair which makes shared parenting very difficult. However, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. Just be aware of the pitfalls and consider what you want long term - but you do need to do that quickly as the clock is ticking and a new status quo is being established.

flutterby_lil

I think the obvious reason (to me) why she is changinh her tune now is because she has got a new fella and wants you out of the picture. She wants to play happy families with the new man. Sorry to be so blunt but I have witnessed this with my OH and his daughter.

He had an unplanned baby - was not with the girls mother in a relationship - she oined and oined him to get him to see the child more, he was seeing her 2 days a week, but now she has a new fella she does not want my OH involved and it has been to court about 8 times. A court order is now in place.

Good luck and stay strong.

HRV

Could it be that she's realised that by giving as much access as she has you are entitled to pay her less maintenance???

clearingout

HRV wrote: »

Could it be that she's realised that by giving as much access as she has you are entitled to pay her less maintenance???

equally it could be argued that the OP only wants access so he reduces his maintenance liability. I don't think this is a road we should be going down. Parents generally want their children to be happy and it is a small minority that play games for their own ends.

escortg3

clearingout wrote: »

equally it could be argued that the OP only wants access so he reduces his maintenance liability. I don't think this is a road we should be going down. Parents generally want their children to be happy and it is a small minority that play games for their own ends.

Limiting the contact for financial gain is very common. Some parents have no consideration for what is best for the child when money is involved.

I would guess with such a sudden drop in the nights the husband can have the child it may be money orientated.

clearingout

escortg3 wrote: »

Limiting the contact for financial gain is very common. Some parents have no consideration for what is best for the child when money is involved.

I would guess with such a sudden drop in the nights the husband can have the child it may be money orientated.

I personally think that's a misconception. My ex wanted shared care. He got shared care and expected not to pay any maintenance whilst he earnt at least 3 times my salary and put his partner on a salary from his business to reduce his maintenance liability further. Of course, that is my opinion. He may tell you his partner performs a useful function to his business and her salary is in line with market rates. He will also tell you that spending time with his children was priceless and that he didn't want shared care simply to reduce his maintenance liability but to make sure that he had a fair deal in bringing up his children. Is he right or am I?!

You can't guess at people's motives. I don't disagree that some WILL look at the money twice and make the adjustments. But for many, the sums involved don't make a huge difference. Now, if you were to tell me that it's about control of the ex, I'd be more inclined to agree!

magee737

clearingout wrote: »

I personally think that's a misconception. My ex wanted shared care. He got shared care and expected not to pay any maintenance whilst he earnt at least 3 times my salary and put his partner on a salary from his business to reduce his maintenance liability further. Of course, that is my opinion. He may tell you his partner performs a useful function to his business and her salary is in line with market rates. He will also tell you that spending time with his children was priceless and that he didn't want shared care simply to reduce his maintenance liability but to make sure that he had a fair deal in bringing up his children. Is he right or am I?!

You can't guess at people's motives. I don't disagree that some WILL look at the money twice and make the adjustments. But for many, the sums involved don't make a huge difference. Now, if you were to tell me that it's about control of the ex, I'd be more inclined to agree!

Financial gain is not really an issue for either of us, definitly not a motive of hers. Thanks for all your help, im beginning to feel alot better

pinkclouds

magee737 wrote: »

Financial gain is not really an issue for either of us, definitly not a motive of hers. Thanks for all your help, im beginning to feel alot better

Glad you're feeling more positive. I think you'll find things will change as the baby gets older. While all a baby wants is to eat, sleep and be cuddled, a toddler will really look forward to seeing daddy, reading, going to the park, etc. Plus, a baby won't remember how often daddy was around but they will definitely feel the absence of mommy.

When I had my first baby, I was totally OTT paranoid and wouldn't let her out of my sight - and I'm happily married. I think babies and mommies really do want and need each other an awful lot but little ones naturally start to reach out/turn towards daddies as they get older. So long as you stay reasonably amicable, and you make it past the stage where mom seems to be "willfully" declining all offers of help, then I think mom will be more relaxed after a few more months. It made me very cross when people offered to "help" by taking my baby away e.g. for a walk - I always refused. I *needed* to know that she was nearby.

To be perfectly honest, I don't think you can expect any wholly rational reasons behind mom's behaviour until your little one is mobile and chattering. She may regret having asked you to have baby for 4 days and is backing out of it because of separation anxiety. She may feel that her "in-laws" will criticise or change baby's routines and doesn't want them around baby (even when she's not there). She may think daddy can't fasten a nappy properly (even if you can) or that she's being a terrible mom if she's not there within seconds every time baby cries. She may feel she's copped out by "shipping" baby off to you for a few nights on a regular basis. However, despite any or all of these things, she is probably still a very good mom! And she's the mother of your child, so she will always be a special part of your life, however you feel about her. When she's settled into being a mommy and baby is less dependent on her, I'd be willing to bet that she will relax a bit and feel quite happy for baby to spend lots of quality time with daddy. And, this may sound... well, a bit bad, but *my* daddy reckons kids are sort of more interesting once they are talking. I doubt he'd see a reason to have a baby overnight at this age. He's a wonderful dad but I guess he was never really hands-on the way my husband is - how times change!