How to make long distance contact work with children?

*max*

Does your OH's brother know he's the father of the child?? And where did the rape situation spring from?

ohsoprecious

*max* wrote: »

Does your OH's brother know he's the father of the child?? And where did the rape situation spring from?

Yes he is aware of that, but in denial about it, he has bluntly refused to get involved with any of the situation (even before we were aware that he was the father, we previously had no reason to doubt that my boyfriend was his son's father). Since this it has been said that his brother was having an affair with my boyfriends expartner for six years and obviously this was throughout the relationship between my boyfriend and her also.

Hi brother has a wife and 3 children also, so our guess is that he does not want to disrupt things with his own family and so he has become somewhat estranged from my boyfriend and his mum and dad.

The ex recieved a letter from my boyfriends solicitor detailing the course of action (applying to the family court for a residence order and prohibited steps order) he would take after discovering the plans to move and the day after she called the police and made the allegations. The rape allegations stem from a time just after my boyfriend and his ex had split, so 2 and a half years ago, and they went to a gig together and ended up having sex. (This was before I got into a relationship with him).

P x

swingaloo

What an awful situation for you both. However the distance is not as much of a problem as you think.

My stepson lives 278 miles away from us and for the last 14 years we have been making the trips to see him regularly. We used to do it once every 2 weeks but now the cost mean is gets its more like every 4-5 weeks. Plus hse is getting older and dosnt al lways wants to spend saturday with dad and his partner.

We leave home at 5.30am, drive down south, pick him up at 10am and take him home at 5pm then drive back. We have done this for years and yes its a very long day and expensive (petrol, cafe and cinema, swimming or bowling probably costs about £120 for the day) but it maintains the contact.

Its difficult but as I say we have done it for years, you get used to it.

ohsoprecious

swingaloo wrote: »

What an awful situation for you both. However the distance is not as much of a problem as you think.

My stepson lives 278 miles away from us and for the last 14 years we have been making the trips to see him regularly. We used to do it once every 2 weeks but now the cost mean is gets its more like every 4-5 weeks. Plus hse is getting older and dosnt al lways wants to spend saturday with dad and his partner.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It's comforting to know that there are other people out there who are making it work for the sake of the children!

We are hoping to make a success of it however it turns out.

The hard thing to deal with is that his son is often wanting to stay for more nights as it is. He remains unaware of the proposed move, as we don't know for sure when (or if) it will be. He currently stays 2 nights a week and constantly asks if he can stay another for more nights at Daddys and Grannys. So we would most likely have to travel down for at least a weekend to a week, although with work commitments I would never rule out a day trip if that is all that could be arranged during certain times of the year.

Can I ask, how do you manage birthdays and Christmas?

P x

swingaloo

I have sent you a pm.

happy35

it would not be ideal as it would not be seeing him in your home, but you could book travelodges in advance for £19 a night if you were only going for a couple of days

Another option is to book the Sun holidays and stay in a caravan locally

it will be really hard but it sounds like you are determined to make this work, so have nothing else to advise other than wish you good luck

clearingout

I think you are saying that the ex's solicitor says it's too far/too difficult a journey for a 4 year old to make. That's bollox, frankly! I have a CAFCASS report that says my children (now aged 7, 4 and 2) should see their father once a month and half of school holidays at a distance of 260 miles, with both parents sharing the driving. It hasn't happened that way (after dragging me through court, ex didn't get to have the children full time so he's not bothered now!) but the 'powers that be' consider it appropriate. Solicitors are not the Law, they are just glorified administrators really. You could push this if you cared to...have you had any dealings with Families Need Fathers? That might be a good place to start.

ohsoprecious

Ahhh that's very interesting, I will certainly look into that then... Ideally we would share the travelling with the ex and have him up North every school holiday so maybe that will be our initial 'plan' of arrangements to take to Court with us and then use the other options are negotiations.

I have recently told my boyfriend to contact FNF, as I came across them whilst googling to try and find some support out there.

Thank you for sharing!
P x

gizmo111

We have to have a plan of arrangements outlined by the 26th July for the final court hearing. So once they are set in a court order she will be legally unable to prevent contact.

So make your plan that the child visits you in the school holidays and work out what you can afford travel wise throughout the rest of the year - ask for loads of contact as the court will negotiate downwards to meet in the middle with what she is offering.

swingaloo

I have sent a pm to the op so she knows Im not trying to be negative about the situation, but, another thing to bear in mind is that whatever the outcome in court, it will never be simple. She wont ba able to legally prevent contact but she will still be able to make it damn difficult.

In our case the court specified the contact and holidays etc but in reality the parent with care still has the means to block things. In our case she would arrange holidays away which coincided with the times we had booked off work (after first agreeing a date). On the days when we had arranged to visit the child would have 'tummy ache' or 'a temperature' and be unfit to be taken out. She also invents an endless stream of family do's, birthday parties etc to block the way.

Ive lost count of the times we were supposed to be having contact which never happened. We even booked a holiday in Spain and the child was so exited. However a 'temperature and suspected measles' developed the day before we were due to pick him up and we were unable to take him.

I know the answer is to go back to court but the court is held nearest to the childs home (more expense) and standing in court against an accomplished liar gets you nowhere. All she needs to say is that the child 'was unwell' or 'wanted to go to a friends birthday party' and you are the ones who look unreasonable. The more you fight the more the other parent digs her heels in.
Its hard but patience does pay off in the end and you have to sacrifice your feelings for the childs. We could have dragged her back to court numerous times but what the child would have been told was 'Daddy is making me go to court because you went to a birthday party instead of out with him'.