How to make long distance contact work with children?

ohsoprecious

Hi there,

This is my first post, I've been milling around reading all of the advice on this site for years but never really needed to ask for help as I always found the answers via posts that were similar to my own situation. However I can't seem to find anything on this subject so I thought I'd have a go at posting!

Prepare for long and rambling! Feel free to skip to the 'Dilemma' if you'd rather not read 'The Background'!

The Background:
Basically my boyfriend has a 4 year old son to his ex partner, they split when he was about 18 months old and maintained consistent , equal contact with both parents. So he has always had two homes of equal importance to him and he has known of his mummy and daddy to be separate but amicable.

Well, until recently... to cut a long story short, she met someone online who lives approx. 300 miles away (not naming names or places!) and she now plans to move there, taking the son with her. Despite the fact that her new partner has a wife and three children who are oblivious to all of this. She gave no indication of this to my boyfriend, who has always gotten on well with his ex (they were even in a band together!) and so it seemed that she would just up and leave without even allowing my boyfriend to say goodbye. In fact we found out via private messages she had sent whilst using my boyfriends computer and leaving herself logged in!

My boyfriend set up mediation to try to resolve the situation and find out about her plans to move. His ex continued to lie and decieve and made no mention of the proposed move. So he sought legal advice and consequently applied to the court for a shared residence order and a prohibited steps order, with hopes of preventing the move.

However things soon turned sour, his ex made retaliatory allegations of rape and sexual assault to the police and then during the court case (which has dragged on for four traumatic months) she also brought up the issue of paternity, and doubted that he was his son's biological father. The courts ordered a DNA test and it has since been discovered that my boyfriend is not the biological father. The son's actual biological father is my boyfriend's brother. So in actual fact my boyfriend is his 'son's' uncle!

This has been very hard for my boyfriend to deal with and it did mean that as a result he lost Parental Responsibility and also meant that legally he was unable to fight for residency of his 'son' as he was no longer the biological father and so his biological mother could move him away, despite the fact that this whole mess is her fault as she has known all along that he wasn't the father.

My boyfriend remains adamant that he is still the 'dad' because the son knows him as his daddy and there is obviously a lot of invested emotion and feelings there, and although his 'son' will need to be told of his paternity, my boyfriend still wishes to be involved as a 'father figure' and is very much against the relocation of his 'son' to a strange place away from all of the people that he knows.

Despite this he did eventually gain a shared residence order which gives him Parental Responsibility and so he will be able to be involved in schooling and doctors etc, but he cannot prevent the move. Legally in the family court he has no standing because he is not the biological father. It really has been the metaphorical rollercoaster ride!

Dilemma
So we are now faced with having to make a 'plan' of arrangements for having contact during the school holidays. We can choose to stay somewhere locally to him (which will be down South once they move) and/or he can come to stay with us up North for the school holidays. Either way it means a round trip of 600 miles.

I am worried that it may not be financially viable. And although we both wish to see the son as much as possible (we would have him with us full time if the courts would allow it!!) I'm not sure how that would work with travel expenses, time off work, accommodation costs etc. In an ideal world we would buy a holiday home down there but we are definitely not in a position to do this yet. We are only in rented accommodation ourselves, I am a student and my boyfriend is self employed so money is not regular or stable at the moment.

I was just wondering if anyone else has an arrangement similar to this already and how do you make it work for you and your children?
We have all sorts of ideas for making sure that communication is regular, letters, skype, phone calls, photo albums, memory boxes, collages, etc. But i'm struggling to see how we could travel down every school holiday and where we would stay etc.

I'm sorry that turned out soooooo long! It really is rather complex!
Any ideas/advice would be welcomed!

Thank you in advance.
P x

akme

Coming up on Jeremy Kyle

ohsoprecious

akme wrote: »

Coming up on Jeremy Kyle

It certainly does seem that way!

Although I'm sure it would take a whole week's worth of episodes to sort out... well there'd be numerous lie detector tests, DNA tests, and then the obligatory speaking to Graham and the after care team backstage!

Mind you maybe a week in Manchester would be a nice change! haha!

P x

whitewing

What a lucky little boy to have your OH and you loving him so dearly.

It is going to be some tough years ahead, so all the ideas for collages etc are brilliant.

I think you need to plan it as 'holiday' in your head rather than access visits in order to keep your sanity if the ex messes you around. So you and OH are on holiday and the time you spend with the child is an add on bonus. (That is not to say that you let it go if access is blocked).

I would say there is no sense is attempting to sort anything out long term near his home for you. Ex doesn't sound like she'll keep you advised of her plans.

If money and schedule allows, every school holiday would be good. If it doesn't, then as long as contact is reliable (ie you stick to it), you can still have good times less frequently. The visits will be important even if only 3 times a year.

Would it work out cheaper to drive down, fetch him, stay at home and bring him back? I suspect it will. If you had him for 2 weeks in one go, when you're both working, you could take one week off work and OH could take the following week. That way he still gets you both weekends and evenings but it eases using all your holidays.

Above all, where children are involved you have to be flexible. What will work brilliantly for a few years may change, and you will need to be able to respond to changing circumstances.

whitewing

ohsoprecious wrote: »

Mind you maybe a week in Manchester would be a nice change!

Oh and there I was thinking your OH was Rhodri Giggs.

ohsoprecious

It certainly would be cheaper to drive down to get him, stay home, then drive back etc, but the ex's solicitor has restricted this by saying it would be too much travelling for a four year old, especially as he will only be starting school this September.

So it looks like we're stuck with having to spend the shorter school holidays down South and the longer school holidays up North.

Then there's obviously Christmas's and Birthday arrangements! It just all seems too much! To go from seeing him 3 nights weekly, to 1 week every 6 weeks? it's crazy!

We have to have a plan of arrangements outlined by the 26th July for the final court hearing. So once they are set in a court order she will be legally unable to prevent contact.

Obviously we're still wishing that something falls through and she doesn't go after all, but now she's got help from Victim Support for priority housing because of the allegations of rape! How can someone who is not a victim (ie. the allegations are untrue and my boyfriend has not been charged) get help from Victim Support!? It enrages me, help and support should be directed at people who genuinely need it. Not just the ones who want a quick ticket out of the area they are living in.

It really saddens me that things have turned out this way, as things were fine prior to her deciding to move. She and I had an amicable relationship and we would all be together for special occasions, and it really did work out well for their son too. Now she seems too head over heels with a man to even consider the implications for the son.

My boyfriend and I will do whatever it takes to maintain the contact, I just hope it's not at 'whatever the cost'.

Sorry for the ramble!
P x

ohsoprecious

whitewing wrote: »

Oh and there I was thinking your OH was Rhodri Giggs.

It seems we can't turn on the TV or open a newspaper without being faced with something similar! Coronation Street are covering residency, Hollyoaks covered a rape trial, then there's the Giggs'!

Where to turn next for some escapism...

P x

busiscoming2

What a dreadful situation for you all, but how wonderful you and your boyfriend are.

Maybe you could find a static caravan or holiday chalet on a nice site somewhere not too far from where the little boy will be living and once you have stayed once, and decide you like it, perhaps you could do a deal with the owner to rent it for X amount of weeks per year and get it at a better price? That, at least would keep the cost down and give the boy some sort of continuity with you both.

anxious_mum

How lovely that your OH and you want to keep in touch with this little boy! My ex-husband moved 150 miles away 7 years ago, meaning that he would struggle to keep in contact with our two sons. I bought him a webcam as a leaving pressie (this was before skype) and suggested that he logged in at a certain time during the week to speak to them. Did it happen? Nope.

He now has two teenage sons who no longer want much to do with him as they very rarely see him or have any contact with him. My advice, for what its worth, is - if you really want to be in this child's life, you must make sure you keep up the contact, otherwise he will grow away from you both. Good luck x

ohsoprecious

Yeah I've been thinking about that, and have been 'googling' all morning, we will possibly join the caravanning and camping club once she has definitely moved and maybe 'sample' a few of the camp sites around the area during the contact. We have access to a large tent via my boyfriends parents which we could use and they also have an old Monza caravan which needs a little renovation but could be doable, to keep costs down. Does any one know where I should post to find out about any cheap campsites, either on MSE or otherwise??

The main issue with caravanning and camping would be that we would want some 'normal' time in a stable environment with him, to give him some predictability and consistency also. It is something we could do in the short term and I'm sure that he would love to stay in the tent/caravan but if the move is to be permanent then we would probably need to look at other options for something more long term.

Thank you for your thoughts and ideas!
P x

ohsoprecious

anxious_mum wrote: »

How lovely that your OH and you want to keep in touch with this little boy! My ex-husband moved 150 miles away 7 years ago, meaning that he would struggle to keep in contact with our two sons. I bought him a webcam as a leaving pressie (this was before skype) and suggested that he logged in at a certain time during the week to speak to them. Did it happen? Nope.

He now has two teenage sons who no longer want much to do with him as they very rarely see him or have any contact with him. My advice, for what its worth, is - if you really want to be in this child's life, you must make sure you keep up the contact, otherwise he will grow away from you both. Good luck x

Thank you for your advice, we definitely don't want that to happen. If the ex had her way she would want her son to forget all about us and the rest of the family up here (her's included also) so I'm not even sure that she would facilitate Skype or anything like that, as you so kindly did for your boys, but we will certainly put it to her as an option.

P x