Relationship support

Cookiee

Hi lovely people ...

I am going though a really bad patch at the moment with my OH and I want to try and find a way to save our marriage. I have been reading about relationship support groups but having never been to one I wondered if any of you have been to one and if they helped?

Short version is that OH is currently at home off sick due to a back injury. I am working all day, sometimes up to 12 hours, just to keep a roof over our head. We have just enough money to buy basics each week which mean no money for treats etc etc. My husband has a very big issue with his anger but will not go and see a anger managerment therapist.

I know it must be hard for him to not be working when he is in pain. I do try to understand but after nearly 8 months of sniping, attitude and generally been worn away at I am at my wits end.

I feel like screaming sometimes!! Especially when it's me who is pushing for everything, i.e. his esa appeal, getting updates from the doctor, arranging what we eat, sorting the bills and debt we are in ... the list is endless

I am sorry to moan but I need to find a way to save my 15 yr marriage before the point of no return.

I would be grateful if anyone has been to counselling and if anyone can recommend any good ones near northamptonshire

Your kind advice will be gratefully received

Cookiee

BitterAndTwisted

Have you looked into seeing someone through Relate? They offer relationship support and you could go on your own rather than together with your OH if you wanted to.

Cookiee

Hi Bitterandtwisted :-) Relate costs £28 per session as we are only surviving on £60 a week it's money we cant afford really.
:-(

CH27

Hi
Is his back condition a long term thing or will it be cured soon?
If it's long term, i'd push for an appointment at a Pain Management course.
Being in constant pain is so awful & coupled with no longer working can cause depression.

Women's Aid offer free counselling. Try contacting them.

Have you tried giving your husband jobs to do each day? Setting him small targets?

I hope this doesn't sound too sympathetic to your husband but I do think if you solve the pain/depression you will be able to move forward.

BitterAndTwisted

In that case I think you need a full and frank discussion with your OH. Why are you dealing with his ESA appeal and HIS doctor for him? Even if he's in pain he should be able to manage his own affairs especially if you're working long hours trying to keep everything together.

Cookiee

Thanks for your posts peeps x
I know that if I dont sort everything out then it wont get done. I tried once not to do anything hoping this would kick him up the butt but no ended up having to bail us out with my credit card!

I am hoping that once hubbie has his injection in his back (Cortazone spelling might be wrong) that if that works he hopefully will be able to go back to work part time. This is my biggest worry that he is getting depression but there is only so much that I can cope with and can deal with at once and if he refuses to seek help then I am stuck.

I didnt know about womens aid thank you ch27. will give them a call.

I feel like I need a break. Just some time for me but the difficulty is he wont go to his parents or brothers to give me some breathing time nor can I go to my mum's (over an hour a way and she is disabled) so at the moment I am dreading to come home and face the onslaught of abuse.

I hate to feel like this and knowing soon I have to have an op on my rist that will leave me one handed for a while (need to have it broken and reset).

W have gone through bad patched before and I have always found a way to keep us together but this time I feel empty :-( I am having keep everything together and I feel like I am falling apart. I hate feeling like this because normally I am a strong person.

Gosh maybe I am depressed ...

I know it takes me making a decision to make things better but at the moment my batteries have run out in my torch to see the end of the tunnel.

CH27

Cookiee wrote: »

Thanks for your posts peeps x
I know that if I dont sort everything out then it wont get done. I tried once not to do anything hoping this would kick him up the butt but no ended up having to bail us out with my credit card!

I am hoping that once hubbie has his injection in his back (Cortazone spelling might be wrong) that if that works he hopefully will be able to go back to work part time. This is my biggest worry that he is getting depression but there is only so much that I can cope with and can deal with at once and if he refuses to seek help then I am stuck.

I didnt know about womens aid thank you ch27. will give them a call.

I feel like I need a break. Just some time for me but the difficulty is he wont go to his parents or brothers to give me some breathing time nor can I go to my mum's (over an hour a way and she is disabled) so at the moment I am dreading to come home and face the onslaught of abuse.

I hate to feel like this and knowing soon I have to have an op on my rist that will leave me one handed for a while (need to have it broken and reset).

W have gone through bad patched before and I have always found a way to keep us together but this time I feel empty :-( I am having keep everything together and I feel like I am falling apart. I hate feeling like this because normally I am a strong person.

Gosh maybe I am depressed ...

I know it takes me making a decision to make things better but at the moment my batteries have run out in my torch to see the end of the tunnel.

I think you are totally exhausted hun.
It's so hard to have constant pressure on you & no end in sight.
Can OH's family come & sit with him while you go for a swim or see friends?

You are strong, very strong or you wouldn't be doing all you are.

BitterAndTwisted

What onslaught of abuse? I think you need to make it clear to him that while you are doing your utmost to keep everything going you do not need the additional burden of him making life unpleasant for you. You need to tell him that he needs to give you a couple of good reasons for staying.

chocdonuty

If your really struggling with money are you sure you are getting all the money you are entitled too?(tax credits, housing benefit possibly?) Either that or there may be ways to reduce your spending/bills, thats what this site is about but you will need to pop onto the other boards for more info.
It does sound like you need a break, you for a rest and for hubby to realise how much you do help, a weekend or even a week away at a friends/relative would be a great idea right now, time to think and work out where you go from here.

Cookiee

Hi Chocdonuty x

This site has been great in helping with money. Before hand I was nearly £100 over my wages and now £20 under a month :-) We are not entitled to any other benefits and OH is getting 67.50 a week on esa appeal at the moment. We are using this to cover food, petrol and medical costs.

I think that I need to try and perswade him to go to his family for a few days. I just need some space and putting it down on this forum has just made me make my mind up. Thank you all x

I will also see about getting some support for me becuase I think I need to realise that I am not superwoman (and stop wearing my pants over my tights as getting funny looks at work lol) and I need to take a step back to see how to move forward.

Thank you all again :-) lol x

msb5262

Cookiee wrote: »

Relate costs £28 per session as we are only surviving on £60 a week it's money we cant afford really.
:-(

Hello OP,

I don't know if it's a national policy but in my area, Relate charges according to what you can afford - and that means it's free if you really can't afford it.

HTH

MsB