Trying to Keep Marriage going...

jayII

MissOptimistic wrote: »

Whenever I tell him I am unhappy his answer is 'you know where the door is'

Sorry, but that sounds like control /blackmail /manipulation (delete as necessary). Do you back off as soon as he says it? If so, he has you exactly where he wants you.

I would suggest taking a piece of paper, drawing a line down the middle. Down one side write a list of all you do and how many hours you spend doing it, each day (or week) and down the other side ask him to write what he does that contributes to the house/family, and how long those chores take. Then tell him you want it to become more equal and what is he going to take on to achieve that.

If he says 'you know where the door is', either say: 'that's fine, but I'd still like you to take some chores on', or say: 'no, this is my home that I pay for. You know where the door is'.

I don't know either of you, so my take on things may be way off, but those are my suggestions.

MissOptimistic

jayII wrote: »

Sorry, but that sounds like control /blackmail /manipulation (delete as necessary). Do you back off as soon as he says it? If so, he has you exactly where he wants you.

I would suggest taking a piece of paper, drawing a line down the middle. Down one side write a list of all you do and how many hours you spend doing it, each day (or week) and down the other side ask him to write what he does that contributes to the house/family, and how long those chores take. Then tell him you want it to become more equal and what is he going to take on to achieve that.

If he says 'you know where the door is', either say: 'that's fine, but I'd still like you to take some chores on, or say: no, this is my home that I pay for, and actually, you know where the door is.

I don't know either of you, so my take on things may be way off, but those are my suggestions.

Thank you - That is very useful. I will definitely give that a go, although as I type we are sat in separate rooms and havent spoken since this morning. Please do not think you are speaking out of turn, as I said at the beginning I have tried to speak without bias, putting his point across as well as my own (otherwise what would be the point) as I just don't know whether to trust my feelings at the moment.
The house is actually in his sole name which we did at the time so I could get other mortgages in my name (for refurbishments etc) - We have another property in joint names (rented out) - neither that or the house we live in has much (if any) equity at present, but I am not too worried, although he has told me that I 'know where the door is', he is a fair person and has always said that he would split everything 50/50 with me

MissOptimistic

Please can I just say at this point how overwhelmed I am that so many people care enough to take the time to just reply to this thread and try and help me and offer suggestions. As someone with no true 'friends' this really means a lot - Thank you each and everyone of you :A

MrsAtobe

I like jayII's idea as well. I'm just wondering if you both fill out both sides of the list, if that would be of help? He may not realise just how much work running a house and an internet business is. OP, please feel free to ignore this suggestion if you feel it would cause more friction - it sounds like the last thing you need at the moment.

Emmzi

MissO, it's difficult, he sounds like a decent man who is going through a bit of an arsey phase.

How do you ask him to do more? "It's not fair" or "I am very tired and it would help if you..."

Being very tired at bedtime for a coupkle of weeks might help too Especially if you are much more awake if you don't have to cook when you get in etc.

j.e.j.

MissO, this sounds a bit like the situation I was in a few years ago, - me working f/t in an awful stressful job, coming home and then having to do the cooking/housework, and then on top of that ex-OH's father expected us (ME!) to go round at the weekend and help him clean his house too! Ex also didn't want to work in an 'unsuitable job' or earn less than x amount of money, though somehow it was fine for me to..
(Only difference in my situation was that ex-OH had been off work with mental illness.)

I think people just get used to living a certain way. Your OH is used to you doing all the things you do and he can't honestly see anything changing, and so he doesn't change.

Something will have to give, because quiet resentment is going to spiral into something more serious if your own needs aren't met.

Caroline_a

D'you know.... I'd like to do a job that I want to do. I'd like to be a chocolate taster, or a holiday reporter, or.... and it just isnt going to happen!! So as he seems to have said what he doesn't want to do as a job, maybe the question should be what does he want to do?? If that is then realistic and achievable, he then needs to take ownership as to how he is going to get a job like that. Do you need to relocate? does he need to retrain? what companies does he need to approach?

It's very easy saying 'I don't want to do this' and 'I don't want to do that', but to me it sounds more like he doesnt want to do anything and is giving excuses. What does he do between the hours of 9.15 and whenever he goes on the return school run? Not housework obviously. So that's a long long time doing nothing!

He needs to start being pro-active not reactive - well it doesnt appear he's even being that! If he ever does find something he wants to do, the interviewer is going to want to know what he's been doing for the past X years! If the answer is staying at home whenthe kids are at school , then most interviewers might not look favourably on that....

JoJoB

In practical terms.....

Leave him a "To Do" list every day. Begin by giving a short and to-the-point explanation that you are struggling with the extra household duties and internet business duties on top of your work duties, that life is becoming drudgery for you because of it and that you are going to leave a list of things for him to do every day that will take some of the pressure off and enable you ALL to have a happier family life.

Then leave the list every morning without fail. Specific instructions eg hoover hallway and living room, do all the ironing in the ironing basket and put away in wardrobe, fax all documents in the red tray on the desk, etc etc.

He won't manage to get through everything on the list each day, but hopefully some of it. And his attitude towards it will tell you all you need to know. Keep telling him calmly that it is for the sake of your family's happiness, keep reiterating that - it is less confrontational than YOU being unhappy (men take that personally). Instead make it a joint family project that you are BOTH working towards. Put some of the time saved to positive use in terms of doing something fun together as a family - even just a little walk and picnic somewhere new that you can explore together. That way him doing the hoovering equals you all having time at the weekend to do something nice, gives a tangible reward.

If he still persists in his selfishness and won't give an inch then that tells you all you need to know. Let him experience what life is like managing finances and housework on his own for a while. Let him explain to the social that he won't work for less than £100 a day.

globetraveller

JoJo's suggestion is really good.
My initial reaction was that he is taking you for a mug. However, I now think he is def depressed. There will always be a reason why he doesn't want a particular job as he is actually too scared to work. He doesn't want to meet people. Unless he is a total a*** he won't do housework as he can't see the point due to his depression.
From personal experience you need to be cruel to be kind. If he won't respond to the previous suggestions on the thread then you stop cooking for him. You stop washing and ironing his clothes.
You tell him he either does the housework or gets a job. Don't give him sympathy. Does he do any shopping? That would be easy to do after the school run in the morning. He does need to actually leave the house( and the car).
If he tells you you know where the door is- tell him that at the rate he is going you will use it.
My husband took a tough stance with me when I turned the car one day and went back home and told him i wasn't going into work. He actually hated him with a vengeance for a couple of days. Then he sat down and told me why he took the stance and how things would have gone rapidly downhill for me if he hadn't. He was right.
Time to be tough!
Good luck

Jinx

Im sorry you're going through a hard time. I think you have to sit down with him and have a calm chat about the family finances. I would mention at breakfast/lunch whatever that you'd like to review the family finances next weekend say and ask him to have a think if he has anything he wants to suggest etc. Then next week get all the ins and outs and show him in black and white your (cash poor) budget. This should highlight he needs a job, part time at least. And I think you do need to say the words, 'darling we are skint, you need to get a job'. And keep repeating it at each excuse why he cannot.

With regards to not doing the housework etc my hubby was made redundant early last year and was out of work for about 5 months. i was working full time and would come home to find very little had been done. I let it ride for a while as he seemed down but eventually I had to sit him down and calmly tell him (instead of my usual explosion style lol) that it wasnt fair for me to work all day then come home and cook and clean while he was here all day. He was a bit miffed but he mulled it over and came back to me and agreed. Even though i still mostly cooked (as he doesnt really) he did most of the rest and we did the weekend stuff together. I wouldnt do the job and this together though, pick your battles!

Edited to add, lots of ex police work at our local prison, not sure where you are, just a thought

Good luck