Trying to Keep Marriage going...

MissOptimistic

Hi everyone
I am really struggling at the moment and could really do with some advice
For background info, I am 37, OH is 42 - we have both been married before, I have 2 children from first marriage (OH has none) and we have a child together (age 5) - We have been together just over 8 years and married for 6 and a half.
I am aware that I could speak with bias, so I will try and stick to the facts.
OH and I have been struggling for what seems like the past few years, I work FT and OH doesn't work, I don't earn a great deal and money is very tight. We also have an internet business for which I do all the admin, ordering, posting out and accounts etc.
two years ago we lived about 2 hours away from where we are now and we ran a shop together, I was unhappy living so far away from my family and the shop wasn't really supporting us (we ran up huge debts) and so we made the decision to move back home and I got a job.
I also do all the housework, all the cooking & cleaning. OH looks after the car and cuts the grass etc. and also does the school runs which is a 6 mile car journey each way.
OH is very capable of work, but doesn't want to do anything that he won't enjoy - he also doesn't want to deal with the public, work with his hands or earn less than £100 a day. (In the past he has been a police Officer so feels he has 'done his bit' in that respect and doesn't want to go 'back on the tools' (he had a bathroom fitting business) as he didn't enjoy it.
I can totally understand that he doesn't want to do something he doesn't enjoy, but I don't feel I have that luxury, I feel like the whole responsibility for everything is on my shoulders, and when I complain about my job he just tells me to pack it in - if only!
As a result our marriage is at rock bottom, I am often tired, stressed or just plain miserable, I feel like all I think about is money - how to make more, save more etc and I don't think we can stay together much longer. I do love him, but i am confused

Charlie2011

I wish there was something i could say that would fix everything. But it is clear that the work load on you is unfair if your OH is not going to work the least they can do is all the house jobs etc. I think the current relationship seems massively unfair on you. I hope you can work things out

relic

Don't really know what to say, apart from having a word with him yourself, it's obviously not fair on you the amount you have to do compared to his.

Tropez

It isn't a good situation for you.

What skills and qualifications does your OH have that he feels would get him a £2k a month wage without having to deal with the public? Has he at least considered doing some sort of adult education class or Open University course (financial assistance is available for households below an income threshold of something like £24k per year) to get some skills/qualifications that would assist him in acquiring such a job?

If you're working FT then the least he could do is the housework.

relic

Tropez wrote: »

It isn't a good situation for you.

What skills and qualifications does your OH have that he feels would get him a £2k a month wage without having to deal with the public? Has he at least considered doing some sort of adult education class or Open University course (financial assistance is available for households below an income threshold of something like £24k per year) to get some skills/qualifications that would assist him in acquiring such a job?

If you're working FT then the least he could do is the housework.

I think some people who have been in the police force tend to have this view, i'm not quite sure why since it requires no previous experience, or even any qualifications.

Emmzi

does he have a police pension and feels that is bringing enough into the household?

do you have very different ideas about what "clean and tidy" means?

does he do school runs and childcare etc?

MissOptimistic

Thank you for your replies, OH did try an OU course but dropped out because there was a big emphasis on networking with each other through blogging which wasn't his cup of tea. I am actually the one doing an OU course now (on top of everything else) I am doing accountancy as my admin job does not pay well.
He has brains and plenty of skills having been in the police and run a business, but he doesn't wannt to use them - take out the public and any kind of manual work and it leaves very little - he also doesn't have any references as he has worked for himself for so long
At Christmas he did get a temporary warehouse job (under duress) which lasted about 10 weeks - they put him in a managerial position when they realised his skills, but it was only about £7 an hour managing 120 staff (it was agency work) and the management were terrible - he complained that much about how they treat the staff that he left after 10 weeks.

MissOptimistic

Hi Emmzi
Yes he does do school runs which includes dropping me off and picking me up from work and this does take a fair amount of time (8.00-9.15 in a morning) and (2.45-4.15 in the afternoon).

He does like the house tidy and will load the dishwasher, put washing out etc, but doesn't do any cleaning, for example cleaning the bathrooms or putting the hoover round.

He doesn't get a police pension (not old enough) and when he does eventually get it, it will be peanuts.

At the moment we live on my wages, tax credits, child benefit and maintenance from my first husband.

euronorris

Tropez wrote: »

If you're working FT then the least he could do is the housework.

TBF, I feel he SHOULD be doing the housework given he's at home full time, isn't ill and has nothing else to do other than mow the lawn and do the school run.

Tropez

relic wrote: »

I think some people who have been in the police force tend to have this view, i'm not quite sure why since it requires no previous experience, or even any qualifications.

If it wasn't for the fact that he doesn't want to deal with the public I'd suggest he enquires about working in the private security industry.

Amongst our various services, our company provides "front line" staff, which includes bouncers, security guards, night watchmen etc. and the vast majority of people we employ in these positions are ex-police or ex-military but obviously, with rare exceptions, you have to deal with the public to some degree.

There is also a training and licencing programme that all staff are required to undertake.

The earning potential for security staff though can be very high.

For night work, if that were suitable, then if the applicant were willing to accept what we call an "as and where" job which means you're deployed to different sites depending on our requirements, you could feasibly manage £25k to £30k per year, depending on things such as hours, whether you'll work "on-call", prior training and experience and that sort of thing. Static jobs, working the same site each night, are also available but generally are harder to come by and pay less.

I would like to make it clear though I am not permitted to represent my company in any way online and so this isn't an invitation to enquire with us - but if there is a private security firm in the area then maybe it would be worth enquiring with them?

Kittendreich

If he wants to be a househusband then that's fine (as long as you are happy with that) - but that doesn't just mean doing the school run and a bit of occassional gardening and car maintenance. He needs to do what an old-fashioned housewife would do - i.e. look after the home (all cleaning, cooking etc) and kids with you just doing the odd bit now and then.

Also if you work FT why do you run the internet business - is he incapable or unwilling?

You need to talk to him to let him know what he is risking. Noone likes a boring job, but for most people there is no option and there certainly won't be an option if you split up and he has to go it alone (I don't think the job centre accept "it is beneath me" as an excuse to turn down work...)