HELP - GOING UNDER!!! VERY LONG POST - sorry

mjdh1957

vindalooloo wrote:

By the way - doesn't REALTE cost???

Have a look on their website and see - I think they will have different plans depending on your circumstances https://www.relate.org.uk

No harm in looking!;)

lynzpower

You're not being hars. I feel the same. But when we have our 'discussions' about money he comes back with the fact that he's always worked, never laid a finger on me, doesn't go out boozing, has never cheated - ALL TRUE. So I then start to feel guilty for thinking this way (spliting with him) just cos of money issues.

Sorry, is he expecting you to be grateful that hes never hit you?

D&DD

Morning Loo wow I sat here reading your thread and got goosebumps,thought I'd taken a new posting i.d while I was asleep!!! Your story is so similar to mine it's spooky and look where I am now...please don't get as far in as we are by consolidating.We've done it...three times
Our woes also started with a car,which we also did not need...
Hang in there hun since I joined this site I have been working on him and he's finally getting the gist of it all..taken me a year but its getting there!!

vindalooloo

Thanks Guys - feel a little better now. Will enjoy my day at work ... but will no doubt come home to his sulks tonight no doubt. (There was no Lurpak this morning so he had to 'make do' with Clover POOR MITE!)

It's a shame innit.

GettingThingsDone

Hi vindalooloo - sorry about this long post too!!

I'm no relationship expert, and my OH would pee herself laughing if she thought I was dishing out advice, but it looks like your financial problems are sortable if only you could get your husband on-side (as you already know). As an observer, it looks like your behaviour is pushing him into being a boy - literally a boy child, with you as his 'mother' (sorry if that causes some weirdness!). OK, not intentionally, but you're giving him the option to play that role.

A solution (and this might not be very p.c.) might be to say something along the lines of "Darling husband (O mighty one etc), please take control of everything for us. Your darling wife and daughter are really worried about the roof over our heads and our future - please make everything alright for us. It's only because I'm worried about our future retirement that I've been nagging you - but I'm now going to hand over the family SOA to you. I've done lots of research so I might be able to help you, but please don't let us down."

I guess you may have already been down that road with him - the shorter answer is to just say - "c'mon be a f-ing man. Stop p-ing around and f-ing grow up. I'm not your mother/carer/flatmate. You have a wife and daughter to be responsible for". Obviously substitute words etc where appropriate! The problem is, of course, making him think that the £7K loan is a bad move. Again, I'm sure you can out think him there

Sorry if I'm out of order, or way off the mark, but from the outside it looks like all your dfw efforts are effectively being hoovered up by your husband. If it really is that serious about splitting, then remind him that he won't be able to afford his car when you get divorced.

Also, sorry for rambling a bit, just I nearly went down the 'performance car' route, but Evo magazine stopped me (buy him a subscription for Christmas if he doesn't already have one) - now I drive a sensible Focus Diesel (lots of torque); the real fun now is saving up for trackdays!

There is a status issue, particularly with men, with downgrading - Sky is a status symbols. Initially my friends couldn't believe that I didn't have movies or sport on Sky - I just tell them its boring and I've got better things to do with my life; now a few of them have downgraded and go and watch local football (if you can call it that!) instead, play 5-a-side, go to the gym etc. He just needs to get some inner strength and true self-confidence and not rely on these baubles.

Good luck - no offence taken if you disagree with my post...

itswhat

...and I complain about my OH

Mine wasn't quite as good as putting his head in the sand, I think in my OH case it was largely to do with not being able to see a way forward.
Eventually I have him on board, so there is hope.

The mobiles- Ouch! there are three of us (teen daughter) so I know how essantial they can seem. We went PAYG and had to go with one of the more expensive providers due to the coverage. All three of us topped us this week -£30. Our daughter gets an allowance (a bit more than your DD) but that has to include her top up. She rarely spends more than £10/month and often it's much less. She uses MSN a lot to keep in touch with friends.
OH and I top £10 each approx every 2 months. Look into the packages on offer from your provider. I found a vodafone one where you pay £5 a month and calls between up to 4 nominated mobiles are not charged.

As for the food shopping, again similar sized household and we spend around £200/month and we could improve, I know it's sometimes it's to do with getting in a rut with cooking, check out the OS board and see if there is anything there which helps.

No matter what you do though I really think the essential thing is to get OH and daughter supporting you.

I won't reiterate other things, lots of good avice coming at you from all angels -it will take a while for it all to sink in

good luck
IW

natters_2

Can't offer you any advice only support and my sympathies - but it appears you are definatley not alone - like others have said it is as if I had posted about my own OH - our debts are sitting at £62,000 at present thanks to his selfish attitude towards money

You said you feel guilty for wanting to leave him just because of the money - but it isn't just the money - it is the verbal bullying - the childish tantrums and the sulks when he wants something you just can't afford - so much so that it is easier to give in for the sake of a peaceful life and you worry about how to pay it all back later - the resentment that builds up over many years that you are the one making all the sacrifices, keeping everything afloat with no support is what kills the relationship.

My husband once said to me I feel like I'm on the deck of a ship and my feet are wet and I know I'm sinking but don't know what to do about it.

My reply was yes I know and while your up there pondering what to do I'm down in the bl***y hull bailing out like mad with a leaky bucket and your weight is making it sink faster

If I could afford to leave and rent privately I would be out of here like a shot.

I deliberatly defaulted on all credit cards so that the companies would cancel the facilities - I don't care that our credit rating is shot to pieces - now there is no possibility of obtaining any more - which solves my problem niceley

I can now think about clearing the debt instead of it getting bigger.

full-time-mum

Have only read the first few messages so I apologise if I'm repeating what others have said but I think you have really got to kick hubby up the proverbial.

I can't believe that he is acting so irresponsibly and I really sympathise with you, it must be like constantly banging your head against a brick wall.

You are obviously the grown up in your relationship so could you start treating him like a child, after all he is behaving like one. I don't know, confiscate his phone and get the b!**!y footy scores turned off for a start and show him how to use teletext/internet - this is making my blood boil on your behalf.

If you think you are likely to loose your house through this then make sure he realises this (I for one would be approaching separation and/or divorce in your situation - just to save my sanity!).

Read him the riot act, tell him he can't have a dinner once a week until x,y or z happen.

As for the leaving the lights on - I have this problem too and haven't found a solution. Could you set up some kind of fine system and dock the pocket money everytime they leave them on. (if you find something that works, then please let me know!:))

Have you shown them the SOA? Even if it scares your daughter, you really need to make sure that she inherits your money sense and not OHs otherwise you are going to be sorting her finances out for the rest of your life!

Can you scrap the school dinners for a while?

I agree with others that sky should go. Get a cheap DVD recorder and a cheap freeview box.

He also spends a lot on razors (he HAS to have the three blade things apparently cos the others cut him - ahh) and anti P / shaving gel. He won't have generic like I have to make do with. He has to have Gilette or Nivea or something - the dearest!

Right, try this trick. Fish the old containers out of the bin. Shop around for something much cheaper but that smells and looks similar and top up the bottles. Did this with my family with Shops own Weetabix and Cornflakes and they never noticed - might be a bit trickier with the face stuff but certainly worth a go.

yet he's still gone into my purse and taken £3.50. This is the average he takes every day except the day he has a proper dinner (fish and chips - eyes roll) when he takes a fiver.

Definitely divorce behaviour in my book - I know, you still love him! - but I wouldn't stand for that. Stop carrying cash or get yourself a new purse (maybe a cosmetic purse that doesn't look like a money purse) and hide your cash. On fridays, could you dish up something really cheap and nasty (say value soup and sarnies) and tell them both that you had no money left in your purse because of the F&C money being taken.

Personally, I'd just cancel the sky - he is acting as an individual without so much as a by-your-leave so why shouldn't you.

Just had a thought, why don't you consider booking an appointment with RELATE. They would help you to discuss your differences, they won't help on the debt repayment side but they should be able to help on the sulking and childish behaviour and hopefully show how unreasonable he is being and maybe, just maybe, it would show OH just how bad things really are.

robnye

[QUOTE=vindalooloo

An example; I bought a draft excluder for the living room door (as the house is old and drafty) to save on heating, and he SIGHS and blo*dy TUTTS when I ask him to put it across. He leaves the door open the WHOLE time so I come across as a real nag asking him to shut door / put 'sausage across'. But I am scrupulously frugal as much as I can be - feel like I'm fighting a losing battle really. [/QUOTE]

fix the draught excluder to the door.
connect a pulley and string to the door or fix one of those chain/spring door closers........ so it shuts automatically :rotfl:

good luck....

full-time-mum

vindalooloo wrote:

Thanks Guys - feel a little better now. Will enjoy my day at work ... but will no doubt come home to his sulks tonight no doubt. (There was no Lurpak this morning so he had to 'make do' with Clover POOR MITE!)

It's a shame innit.

Keep the Lurpak wrappers and buy value butter (see previous post)!