HELP - GOING UNDER!!! VERY LONG POST - sorry

lynzpower

Ok looooooo

Try another tack.

Add up all his luxuries. Give yourself those luxurties in the SOA.

Tyhen ask him is he going to be taking on a second job to afford them? If not why not.

Its all very well wanting luxuries but you have to have the means to pay for them ( i know you know this). If you dont you have to either a) borrow and cant afford to py back as you have seen, or b)earn more.

As its him that wants the luxuries he has to work for them.

vindalooloo

lynzpower wrote:

Ok looooooo

Try another tack.

Add up all his luxuries. Give yourself those luxurties in the SOA. Tyhen ask him is he going to be taking on a second job to afford them? If not why not.


HAHA LOVE IT!!!! :-) I have thought of this many times over the years to be honest ... but then my overriding sense of duty to 'the family' and getting food on the tabe kicks in. He simply doesn't count toiletries / pocket money (and other stuff I cannot think of at the mo as 'luxuries'. To him they're necessities.


As its him that wants the luxuries he has to work for them.


Getting him to see that a chocolate bar or a cigar twice a week is a luxury is quite difficult. It's his overall attitude really. I would like my bottle of wine a week, but that's stopped completely - I am committed to the problem.

An example; I bought a draft excluder for the living room door (as the house is old and drafty) to save on heating, and he SIGHS and blo*dy TUTTS when I ask him to put it across. He leaves the door open the WHOLE time so I come across as a real nag asking him to shut door / put 'sausage across'. But I am scrupulously frugal as much as I can be - feel like I'm fighting a losing battle really.

mjdh1957

I know the feeling of having your partner undermine everything you do.

My ex did this kind of thing too and it used to drive me up the wall. That's one reason why he is my ex, and now I have no debts at all....

If he's not on board with your debt reduction plan then it isn't going to work. Have you thought of going to Relate, the marriage guidance people? It might help show how serious you are about getting out of debt.

Good luck!

phoebe03cat

Ooooh so sorry to read your situation. Looks like you of course are doing all the right things and have got a total overview of the financial situation and what needs doing. Personally he'd only get the chance to tell me he wouldn't 'give me a divorce' the once, if he insists on being that ****selfish there's not much you can do about it all is there. Looks like you need to give the relationship as much thought as the finances what with leopards and spots and all that. Easy to say when not involved I know....Best wishes.

poppycracker

hi vindalooloo

Your DH sounds a carbon copy of my OH. Although I think it has finally started to sink in that we just don't have any spare money, it's been a long hard slog.

The arguements are the same as well, but stand your ground. I finally woke up to the fact that it was because I was just agreeing with him all the time that we were in so much trouble. He has no money sense whatsoever.

The most ruthless thing you can do , (I did it with him and it seems to have worked) is to break down the household bills and distribute them according to what he uses. ie, take HIS pocket money and HIS sky and HIS car (with associated debts) out of his wages, then half the household bills and SHOW him how much of HIS wages is left after that. Even if you just write it all down and show it to him in black and white. I know it would be impossible to do because you have kids, but just seeing it written down might shock him enough so that you can actually have a grown up discussion about money.

Why should you have to take a second job so that he can have his luxuries. I did it for a year and nearly killed myself so I can definately say it's not worth it, you will end up resenting him.

Oh, and hide your purse and your cards. If he hasn't got money, he hasn't got money.

(((hugs))) to you, look after yourself.

chevalier

"If it were be I'd bin the thing altogether - 99% of it is rubbish or repeats but HE won't have it! He MUST have his sky (sigh)"

Sounds to me like you have two children in your house and one of them is your husband. Sorry for being harsh, but he is not 12 anymore he is an adult, he has to take responsibility for his luxuries and SKY IS a luxury, when you can't afford it. I feel very sorry for you, your hubby sounds very self adsorbed and I am afraid if it had been me, I would have chucked him out years ago.

As regards your SOA. Can you get working family tax credits if your wages are so low?

With regards to the batch cooking, you could always go on strike! Ie take all his cards off him and then tell him that he is cooking and budgeting this week. I bet by Wednesday there would be no food in the house, and that he wouldn't like being hungry........:D

chev

SunderlandBlackCat

mjdh1957 wrote:

If he's not on board with your debt reduction plan then it isn't going to work. Have you thought of going to Relate, the marriage guidance people? It might help show how serious you are about getting out of debt.

Totally agree.

System

Loooo

Although you dont appear to have a significant amount of debt - like most things in life it is relative. Get your OH to have a read of this website. Show him how much I am in debt and other people who have more than me. Take a look at Moozie's initial post http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=154168&highlight=too+scared. He does sound very selfish and it is necessary to to make sacrifices. The DFW community is an absolute inspiration and if he read it he may see what is possible. Good luck.

Lenny

vindalooloo

chevalier wrote:

"If it were be I'd bin the thing altogether - 99% of it is rubbish or repeats but HE won't have it! He MUST have his sky (sigh)"

Sorry for being harsh, but he is not 12 anymore he is an adult, he has to take responsibility for his luxuries and SKY IS a luxury, when you can't afford it. I feel very sorry for you, your hubby sounds very self adsorbed and I am afraid if it had been me, I would have chucked him out years ago.

You're not being hars. I feel the same. But when we have our 'discussions' about money he comes back with the fact that he's always worked, never laid a finger on me, doesn't go out boozing, has never cheated - ALL TRUE. So I then start to feel guilty for thinking this way (spliting with him) just cos of money issues.

As regards your SOA. Can you get working family tax credits if your wages are so low?

Yes we get £29 a month WFTC (were paying back for their overpayments earlier on - don't ask!) and we also get Child tax credit and child allowance for 1 child. (Did I leave these off my SOA?)

With regards to the batch cooking, you could always go on strike! Ie take all his cards off him and then tell him that he is cooking and budgeting this week. I bet by Wednesday there would be no food in the house, and that he wouldn't like being hungry........:D

Ahh but ahh but. He would then go to Morrisons, buy branded goods, spend 70 quid (on what I could get for about 30) and then we would be worse off. I just CANNOT trust him to do the right things. This is why I feel so dizzy sick and can't sleep. I'm even starting to do daft things at work because I'm so distracted. My boss has kindly offered me a couple of extra days work in January but ... well what can I say


By the way - doesn't REALTE cost???

vindalooloo

poppycracker wrote:

hi vindalooloo
Why should you have to take a second job so that he can have his luxuries. I did it for a year and nearly killed myself so I can definately say it's not worth it, you will end up resenting him.

Well my day job is only 15 hours a week. I did apply for loads but it's the only one I could get (work is scarce round here) so rather than waiting to see if something full time came up I took it to at least increase our income somewhat. I don't mind doing the extra job if it gets us out of the s*it quicker!

(((hugs))) to you, look after yourself.

Thanks :-))