In a mess regarding ex and life in general

bear77

Hi there

Didn't want to read n run. I've just got out of an emotionally abusive relationship too, so just wanted to wish you all the best and to say stay stong. You sound like you are dealing with everything very positively & bravely, and that is of great credit to you :T

Before the rest of my post, I have only been able to put up with my situation for a few weeks before it started to eat away at my self-confidence. Admittedly the relationship wasn't very established, but it was very blissful & intense for the first few months, then everything changed. You must ask yourself if you can put up with this for the next 10 months, you will have to definitely box clever but that's easier said than done! Only you know whether you can outfox him for the next 10 months.

Stick with it and you will be absolutely fine. Expand your social circle, work on adding to your skillset and just focus on taking each day as it comes, doing things that make you happy. Voluntary work is a great idea, thinking of doing some myself once my full-time work calms down a bit! How about taking up a new hobby? I know you say you have debts but how about learning something like jewellery making - if my mum can do it, you can Plus, you could sell what you make on eBay! :money:

Maybe someday soon I will be as brave as you and post my story. I'm just trying to get through the next 3 crazy weeks and then hopefully I can start to move forward myself.

best of luck - you sounds like a very articulate and intelligent person. You deserve better - I believe in Karma

DVardysShadow

StuckandScared wrote: »

... financially I need the job I have with him, and need it for at least another 10 months to pay off some debt I've got

You know, I am struggling with this whole thing. Yes he is abusing you. But you are exploiting him and dependent upon him.

Or he is buying you, but effectively you are selling yourself to him. There is a 2 way street here.

You are doing the right things to get out of the situation. I suggest you carry on and damn the debts, you should move on ASAP.

StuckandScared

Can't believe I'm back, nearly a year later. Nothing has changed.

I'm very annoyed with myself, so there's no need for anyone else to knock me on the head with a hammer, I've done that enough myself.

Basically, my exH seemed to turn a corner again just after I posted last time and he was really nice, we were getting on well. Everything was going really well. We went away at Christmas for a month and had a fantastic time, in fact by the time we got home I'd have married him again if he'd asked me, that's how good everything was between us.

Anyway it's obvious what's coming next...this past couple of months he's been horrible to me again. I'm constantly walking on eggshells. Thinking through everything before I speak because I know he's either going to snap at me or make me feel stupid for whatever I'm saying. Went round to his last night and he was just arsey and stroppy the whole time.

I know this isn't healthy and I know it can't go on.

I did try to make some changes last year. Joined the supper club which met once a month, there was 6 of us, we met about 4 times but then they turned it into lunch time meetings instead which is no good for me because I work f-t. Didn't get to know anyone well even to stay in touch.
Did start a course to improve my IT skills but not at college, I do it online.
So I'm still isolated - no friends or any social interaction except with ex hub.
Still dealing with the debts I mentioned last year.
I just don't know where to turn or what to do.
I recently suggested to him that maybe I should look for another job as it seemed to be causing stress having us working together (what I meant was his bad moods ) but he begged me not to do that because he couldn't trust anyone else to do the job as well as I do...my plan was to find another job somehow and then tell him to do one. I've got to find work before I can end this relationship.

The truth is I'm in an even deeper hole than I was a year ago..I'm another year older, got even less confidence, gaining weight.
I've got no life outside of contact with exH. I think he's done it on purpose - got me dependent on him and isolated.
I live in a rural area. There are no jobs.
I am scared for the future and not sure if/how I can carry on. I'm so sick of struggling and feeling lonely.

The thing is, I've got no self belief. I don't believe I can get another job, and even if I did I'd be useless at it. And a long way down the line I'd probably like to be in a relationship but I just feel too old and fat and ueseless to find a nice partner...maybe this is at the bottom of why I didn't change anything last year...I just feel like I'm not capable of making my life any better. I dont know how things got this bad.

System

Well if your not going to leave him.... stand up to him then!

Takes guts but someone once told me, bad behaviour must always be challenged and they were right!

You see, its easy just to sit there and be the punchbag but it destroys you inside (as youve found out).

Things wont get better until you stand up to him!

StuckandScared

Judi, thank you. Last night when I went round and he was in an awful mood, really stroppy, I did actually tell him I was going home. I didn't say it in a temper, I just calmly said I was going. He told me to sit down and I said that I thought it was better if I went home. So I did.
That's the only way I know to stand up to him. if I could have done it better, I'll listen to any advice how..but it was the best I could do at the time.

Filey

StuckandScared wrote: »

Last night when I went round and he was in an awful mood, really stroppy, I did actually tell him I was going home. I didn't say it in a temper, I just calmly said I was going. He told me to sit down and I said that I thought it was better if I went home. So I did.

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That was absolutely the right way to handle him! Well done.

I have a lot of experience dealing with a verbal bully. In the early days I used to weep and say I was sorry, and pathetic things like that. I can't believe how feeble I was. But eventually I toughened up and learned not to react, just say calmly (and with a smile if you can manage it) things like 'oh dear you are feeling tetchy today' and 'do you realise you are being very rude' and 'why do you think it is OK to speak to me like that'. And, sweetly, 'are you feeling unwell today' or 'have you remembered to take your pills'.

Visualise him as a rude little boy whose behaviour you are not going to put up with. Practice seeing him in your mind's eye as a snotty nosed kid. Never ever let him see you are at all bothered by what he says.

I think your reaction was spot on. If he learns that his bad behavior is going to get him on the equivalent of the naughty step by you removing yourself from his presence he might keep his tongue in check. (I'm assuming he is never physically violent towards you.) These sort of people hate it when their remarks have no effect whatever.

What a good thing you are not living with him - makes it easier to remove yourself from the situation when he gets nasty.

You did really well.

StuckandScared

Thank you Filey. He's probably still shocked that I acted so calmly and quite assertively. Of course he knows he's got me over a barrel - he's my only 'friend' or rather support system, and he's my source of income too. I am far more dependent on him now than when we were married - then I had a job of my own, still had a couple of friends (Lost them during the divorce), and I was more independent really. Now I'm totally dependent on him. But yes, I am so glad to have my own house.

---

So I didn't sleep well last night. I have decided to try not to keep being horrible to myself about still being stuck, it's not helpful.
I thought about what I need to make the break from him (emotionally that is. geographically we live in the same village, and I'm not moving as I like it here).

I need to build my self-esteem so that I have more faith in myself to believe I can and WILL find another job.

I need to find some friends or some support because the truth is, I feel too alone and isolated to make the break from him right now. He is literally all I've got, and he knows it....

In the meantime I think I need to do whatever I can to start to feel better about myself. I'm comfort eating and gaining weight fast and I'm spending too much as well. I need to try to take control and I think then I will feel better.

My plan last time was to try to cut the social aspect of our relationship. He comes round here for supper a few times a month, or we go out, or I go to his. I can cut down on that. But he also keeps booking holidays for us and of course I've got no excuse to not go! We are going away next month for a week, plus at the end of August and at Christmas. He has already booked and paid for the first two, Christmas he's paid a big deposit but not the balance...I can't tell him I can't go on these trips because of work commitments, or because of social arrangements or whatever because he knows that's not true...
I'm rambling, I'm sorry, just thinking aloud.
Need to get those debts paid off - I didn't do it last year but I must make a start on it now and stop the spending.

Filey

He comes round here for supper a few times a month, or we go out, or I go to his. I can cut down on that. But he also keeps booking holidays for us and of course I've got no excuse to not go!

---

Been there done that!

Guess what. You don't need an excuse.

I had a similar situation with my ex. (Yes he's my ex now.) I hate confrontations so would mumble something and try to put it off. One day, feeling brave, when he suggested yet again we go to New Zealand to visit one of our daughters I just said NO. When he asked why not I just said 'Because I'd rather go on my own'.

You don't HAVE to go on holiday with him.

I know you don't want to rock the boat because you feel totally dependent on him. But you won't always be because you are working on a plan to not be dependent on him. But meanwhile you can point out to him how he often speaks to you like dirt and you don't like it and it really puts you off wanting to go anywhere with him. And don't forget to smile and be matter of fact. Shrug your shoulders. It's all his fault.

I used to run through little scenarios in my head where i visualised him saying something and what I would reply. If he says this I will say that, and various alternatives. A mental rehearsal.

It occurs to me, does he have any friends or social life? Anything outside work? Maybe he's more dependent on you than you realise.

Keep working on your plan. I live alone now and love it. My choice. Ex would like nothing better than for us to get together again, but absolutely no way would I ever do that.

You can do it.

Marisco

StuckandScared wrote: »

and of course I've got no excuse to not go! We are going away next month for a week, plus at the end of August and at Christmas. He has already booked and paid for the first two, Christmas he's paid a big deposit but not the balance...I can't tell him I can't go on these trips because of work commitments, or because of social arrangements or whatever because he knows that's not true...

Then just tell him you can't go because you don't want to go!! TBH I don't think the will to do anything is there, if it was you'd have said, "sod you, I'm doing what I want to do", got a new job (yes I know that's not easy now, but if your prepared to do anything there is work out there.) The fact that he says no one could do the job is his problem, let him train someone up!!

Stop him coming round and don't go out with him, say you won't be available and don't tell him why - even if it means sitting in your bedroom if he calls round so he thinks your out!! If at all possible move away to another town, or even as someone said to your friend in Ireland.

As for your debts, if your not fussed about your credit rating being trashed, then write to them all, offering an amount that won't see you destitute, and tell them (nicely!!) they can like it or lump it! But the main thing is, the will to do it has to be there, and at the min I don't think it is!

StuckandScared

if the will isnt' there it's because I'm scared to death. I have no friends. I have no parents (Both dead) I have no children, no siblings, no family. I have nobody.
I haven't even been to a job interview for 28 years. I wouldn't know where to start in today's job market, up against bright and intelligent people who have something to offer.
I am scared and I feel incapable of doing anything right now.
Honestly it's not helpful for people to tell me I dont want to do anything about it. It's very easy to say that if you have a job, or you have friends or family, or anything at all. I've got nothing except him and his job..

I want to work on leaving, otherwise I wouldn't have gone looking for this old thread and posted again. I admit I'm not ready yet, but dont kick me when I'm down, please.
But I would be stupid to start p*$$ing him off right now when I have no other income..
I've got to do this step by step.
I'm not going to post anymore. I'm obviously not strong enough to deal with people who think they are better than me so I wont post again but thank yo so much to those who have sent me some lovely PM's.

And filey I'm sorry I didn't get chance to reply to your last one, I do appreciate your reply and you've given me some inspiration. Thank you !