In a mess regarding ex and life in general

StuckandScared

Hi everyone - I'm not a newbie, I post here regularly but needed to be completely anonymous for what I'm going to write.
I'm sorry but it's going to be long...:o
To the BG's, please please don't move my thread, I'd rather it be deleted, I'm posting here because it's about a relationship and feeling tied to it because of money

Basically, I've got myself into a mess with my exH and messed my life up too.
I was married for 25 years and we divorced a couple of years ago. No children.
It was very hard for me to leave the marriage because I felt safe...when I left I had no FT job, no close family and my only close friend had just emigrated and so I felt like I had no support at all.

Well we kind of got back together...(although we are not living together)...he seemed to have changed and I was getting feelings back for him again...he has his own business, my p/t job had finished and so I started to do few days a week for him.
Things were going well until about 6 months ago, when I noticed he was changing again. He started to belittle me, put me down, have a go at me all the time, just like when we were married. I put it down to stress - that was my big mistake when I was married to him - I ALWAYS made excuses for him... :mad:
He changes from Mr Wonderful to Mr Mean and back about 30 times a day and so I find myself second guessing whether he's really that bad or not...
To now. He considers us as 'together' and he keeps wanting to talk about the long term future ie, moving back in together etc. I told him I need more time before I can make that commitment and he accepted it but has mentioned it again since..
We recently had a long weekend away and he was just the same as he was when we were married. I'm like his verbal punch bag. He's always snapping at me, putting me down, and a couple of times during the weekend away he physically shoved me out of his way when he wanted to get something out of the bathroom....:(
I find myself treading on eggshells with him all the time. I can't be myself
Its as if he was nice to me until he thought he had me back, and now he thinks he's got me back, he's reverted to his old self.

Why I'm posting about this...
I think I need to make a full and permanent break from him....I can't believe I put myself through the separation and divorce and all that entailed to find myself back wtih him and stuck in this mess..

financially I need the job I have with him, and need it for at least another 10 months to pay off some debt I've got
I've still got no close support, no close friends or family
I'm scared to death of the future alone, I think I don't have any self belief about my ability to hold down a job...even the thought of applying for jobs terrifies me, I really don't know how I would cope with interviews etc..I dont really have any skills except very basic admin stuff..I'd love to make a career for myself but I'm very close to 50 and not even sure that anyone would want to employ me at my age..


my confidence is on the floor

What I need to do is make a plan to get me through the next year, so that I can quit my job with him and make a clean break (again :mad:
but I'm scared because I feel like he's all I've got...I feel so alone and scared without him.

Has anyone been through anything similar, ie needing to build a career, make friends etc, basically rebuild their life, and come out ok on the other side?
I'm so scared of the future and keep thinking I'm better off just staying with him and putting up with him because then at least I'd be secure...But in my head I know that's not right..when we were married I was constantly depressed, on tablets, he chipped away at my confidence putting me down all the time. And on the other hand, he can be so nice and supportive and helpful etc... Within 4 months of me leaving him I got off the anti depresssants and managed to keep the depression away..
I really don't know what to do. I know what I want - a good job, a few good friends and a nice social life, but I feel like i dont know how to get them or have the confidence to do it. If someone else has a story of how they did it, I'd be very interested and inspired by it.

BitterAndTwisted

Do you think that you could endure the situation as it is now for another 10 months? It seems that he's fallen back into the familiar patterns of behaviour he had while you were married. Unless and until you challenge him he will not see any reason to change. Challenging him could mean that your work with him could be taken away from you. Are you prepared to take that risk?

It seems to me that your connection with him is rather damaging to your mental well-being. In your situation I'd probably bust a gut to find alternative employment, so I could cut those ties forever.

the_cat

You need to box clever. As you are working for him atm, you ideally need a reference and to get a new job pdq.

Tell him that you feel that it would be better for your relationship(!) if you worked seperately. String him along and say that you think it will help you be ready to commit to living together. Then start STRAIGHT AWAY looking for another job, with him as a good, reliable reference

Once you have another job and are not financially dependant, sling his !!! out of your life for good. You say you feel he is all you have atm........ sounds to me like having no-one is a step up. He has dragged your self esteem this low with his years of abuse. You deserve better. You found the strength once, so you know you can do it
Good luck

StuckandScared

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Do you think that you could endure the situation as it is now for another 10 months? It seems that he's fallen back into the familiar patterns of behaviour he had while you were married. Unless and until you challenge him he will not see any reason to change. Challenging him could mean that your work with him could be taken away from you. Are you prepared to take that risk?

It seems to me that your connection with him is rather damaging to your mental well-being. In your situation I'd probably bust a gut to find alternative employment, so I could cut those ties forever.

I understand what you're saying about the next 10 months. The thing is, he pays me very well, much higher than minimum wage. If I went for another job I doubt I'd get anything much more than minimum wage becasue of my lack of skills. I'm looking at some courses for September to learn new skills.
I think I may be too focused on paying off the debts. That's where my plan to stay for another 10 months comes in - so I can pay them off asap.
Perhaps I need to shift my focus and look for new work even though it will take much longer to pay off the debts.

soupdragon10

One thing I would suggest is getting some help with both your confidence and your jobhunting. You don't have to try and do this all on your own, and if you don't have close friends and family do make use of the other support that might be available.

Why not see a NextStep adviser to talk about job hunting, getting a CV together etc.. it would be a small step in the right direction. Is there a local community centre offering courses that you could tap into? Some places have courses running before September so you could begin doing something now.

It sounds as though you have fallen back into the old familiar routine which your ex is taking advantage of (and by paying you well he is also in control). Do use the wealth of information available here to cut down on your spending so you can pay off debts asap.

Best of luck

make_me_wise

StuckandScared wrote: »

I feel so alone and scared without him.

No hun you feel alone and scared because you are with him. He is emotionally and mentally abusing you. Sounds like he has started physically hurting you too, that will escalate.

I think you have alot to offer to an employer. You come across as intelligient and articulate in your post, you see the position you are in clearly, so you are no-ones fool. All you lack at the moment is self-confidence, hardly surprising considering how you are being treated.

You can make it on your own. There are all kinds of organisations who can help with your debt and to get you back on your on two feet.

I have never been in your position so I apologise if I may be simplifying the situation too much. Personally I would be more scared of staying where you are than moving on alone. Your current existence having to walk on egshells, cope with abuse and possible violence would terrify me.

happy35

it is your call really if you think you can string him along for the next 10 months and his criticism isnt going to drag you down then this may be the best option for you. I know this sound very callous but you need to think of yourself first.

If on the other hand you think that this is going to drag you down then another job is the better option even if it takes you longer to pay off the debts, at least you will be happy and starting your new life. A new job would also help you make new friends as you will be meeting new people who have no links to your husband

Good luck with your decision

princessdreamer

Oh sweetie much as it is hard you need to get away from him. When my ex ran off with his mistress he had all but destroyed me. He trashed my career, took all my money, made me feel like nothing. After he left I had to start again alone with my children, he never gave up attacking me, is trying to bankrupt himself so we are forced out of our home, calls me mentally ill and threatens social services will get my children.

Sounds like i should be on the floor in tears doesn't it. I'm not, instead of sitting in crying I found all my old friends and those that wanted to have been great. We have nights in nights out, shopping trip, phone chats. I am happier now than I have been in years, the ex still frightens me at times and I know he will do anything to hurt me. thing is it is his failings as a human not mine, one day I will meet a man who will love me for who I am then gthe ex will shrivel up back under his rock.

purple45

I have just registered to post my first comment on here because I couldn't read all of your personal details and not reply. What you're planning takes alot of guts particularly if you don't have the support of family and friends to help you through. I have been in a couple of situations where I have taken a massive gamble like this because life as it was couldn't continue...and although its been hard I wouldn't change a thing. The fear of taking the plunge can be far worse than the reality of dealing with it.

10 months is a long time, you only live once! I'd be thinking along the lines of calling in to the local job centre to see what help they can offer. Would you be eligible for any benefit if you left now? Can you get help from a local CAB or Womens Aid/Refuge? Is there any way that your debt can be put on hold while you get back on your feet? When I've done what I've had to do I have been totally open minded about all possibilities. I took redundancy from a well paid job that made me miserable and opted for being poor but happy and I'm just wondering if there is any way that you could make that work for you. I also left a marriage leaving behind everything because it was better to start again.

You do sound like despite it all you have a determination to improve your life, and I wish you all the best with it. You deserve to succeed.

make_me_wise

Princessdreamer just had to say how I admire you. Shows true strength in your character that you walked away from your ex and are doing all you can to forge a happy life and a nice childhood for your kids.

Your ex is definately trying to lay all his failings at your door. Well done you for refusing to let him drag you down to his level. Social services will never take your kdis off you. It will come across loud and clear to them who is the one with mental health issues and they wont think it is you.

StuckandScared

Thanks everyone, I'm overwhelmed with the support, my head's all over the place today but your posts have helped so much.

After reading them I'm kind of formulating a plan..

1) Work on self confidence. Not sure how to go about this, will have a look in the library for any self help books etc.

2) I will start looking for other jobs, although I do think I can stick it out for 10 months. I will spend the time looking at what sort of jobs are available locally. I'm in a rural location and there's not much work around here. I need to know what is available then look at what I can learn/retrain in etc.
I will contact Next Step tomorrow. I'd never even heard of them, just found their website and it's very helpful.

3) I'm going to lose a bit of weight. I'm not happy with how I look and am very guilty of comfort eating. He makes (negative) comments about my weight and instead of that spurring me on to diet, I just end up eating more. I'll feel more confident if I lose a couple of stone.

4) As far as being with him is concerned, I'll carry on as normal at work but I'm going to try to distance myself from 'social' type arrangements with him. We usually go out to dinner two or three times a month. I'm going to cut that down, although not sure what excuse I can use as he knows I've got nothing else to do on a Saturday night! I will also try to make excuses next time he suggests a weekend away or even a holiday which he may be planning for later this year:eek:

5) I think I may look at doing some voluntary work. This will help me feel better about myself, because I'm making a contribution in a positive way, plus will help my confidence. Plus will be another reference I can give to prospective employers.



I am sitting here with tears in my eyes so overwhelmed by the kindness of your replies..thanks to all of you.
I think I'll probably keep updating here as I start my small steps.