In it together - or not?

notyet

Hi everyone

Thanks again for all your posts, sometimes it clears things up to have the situation noted by the impartial, you guys are great. :kisses3:

Well, the big blow up came the other night. His grumbling at only having a single boiled egg for tea was met with an eruption from my mouth that put those icelandic volcanoes to shame. (The language of which is unrepeatable on here)

Every statement from him is now met with "you smoked it". He faces a whole bank holiday of staying in an finding things to fix and sell. Ive already sold his lawnmower and spent the cash on a secret stash of grub for me & kids. The change from which is safely esconsed in my work locker.

Once the dust settles from the emotional fallout, serious discussions will be taking place. Biggest money saving tip? DIVORCE. :embarasse

the_cat

Thanks for the update.... I was hoping we hadn't scared you off with our err..... straight talking;)

Well done on the secret food stash.:T
I hope you manage to resolve things once the dust settles. Just make a promise to yourself that you won't ever let him put you or your children in that situation again. Good luck!

DaisyChainMaker

I was in your situation when married and my three children were small. My husband and I both worked full time and all my wages and any benefits we got were spent on household bills and of course the children. My youngest was a baby and so of course we had to buy nappies and milk and pay for childminders. My husband was very much like yours and selfish. He would give me 'housekeeping' money each month and keep a significant amount of his wages for his cigarettes, football and pocket money.

I would be scrimping and scraping and robbing one pot to pay money into another... even took on a second job in the evenings and weekends to make ends meet. But, then my husband would complain about having to look after the children when I was working and he was tired as been at work all week. *odd how he never realised why i was doing two jobs or even acknowledged fact I was working nearly twice as many hours as him*.

He wouldn't economise and would only wear designer labelled clothes (me and the children had quality seconds or carboot) and he had to have sky sports etc and his night out once or twice a week for darts and football *the only nights I couldn't work as obviously I had to look after the children*

The final straw that broke the camels back (yes I am the camel in this story...cos I got the hump~ ) was when he had an affair at work and blamed me saying it was because I was always too tired for *shananigans* and didn't give him enough attention and he was fed up of just working and looking after kids.

He was a tad suprised when I filed for divorce and kicked him up his backside out the door. The children sighed with relief as the tensions in the home lifted considerably and they could watch their saturday morning TV and not have to put up with football all the time, I was home a lot more as I had to give up one job and work only part-time on the other job so I could be home with them. I was happier ( I think love for my husband died a long time before the affair but I was too busy to notice) and we were financially lots better off and didnt have to penny pinch quite so much.

What would be your straw I wonder?

I hope you can work things out, for your sake and your childrens x

smartpicture

I hate smoking with a passion, but having lived with a smoker who was hugely motivated to stop and tried desperately to give up for several years, I have to say it's not as easy to 'just stop' as you all seem to think. I'm sure if he could just stop, he'd prefer to spend his money on other things and not shorten his life by years, but it is hard to break the addiction. Unfortunately, nagging does not make it any easier to stop either.

I would suggest that for now, it would be better to suggest he switches from packets of cigarettes to roll-ups, which will reduce the cost significantly. Then get him an appointment at the doctor to see what help they can give him to stop. It's better to take practical, achievable steps rather than say 'stop smoking or it's divorce!' surely?

notyet

"Stop smoking or its divorce" - nah, not quite that simple me dears.
Its more along the lines of 'wise up and help out or its divorce'.

My parents were heavy smokers, my siblings also. I was the only one who never took up the habit. But having seen it at first hand I know how hard the addiction can be to break. As ive said before, its probably why i made allowances. But no more.

Its been tricky before, but things have never been as bad as they have been recently. I know you cant budget for having your car written off, or a 6 week non-earning period, but i did think he'd understand things from my side. Am now at the point where i have an online only bank account which i will transfer all income to. I'll be controlling all the money, his debit card will be useless. He'll be lucky to get 'pocket money' like the kids do! No more of this!!;)

DaisyChainMaker

:jyippeee it sounds like you are going to be assertive and take control of the situation. I do hope he see's sense and supports you. I wish you all the luck in the world... having been where you are now my heart goes out to you. x

notyet wrote: »

"Stop smoking or its divorce" - nah, not quite that simple me dears.
Its more along the lines of 'wise up and help out or its divorce'.

My parents were heavy smokers, my siblings also. I was the only one who never took up the habit. But having seen it at first hand I know how hard the addiction can be to break. As ive said before, its probably why i made allowances. But no more.

Its been tricky before, but things have never been as bad as they have been recently. I know you cant budget for having your car written off, or a 6 week non-earning period, but i did think he'd understand things from my side. Am now at the point where i have an online only bank account which i will transfer all income to. I'll be controlling all the money, his debit card will be useless. He'll be lucky to get 'pocket money' like the kids do! No more of this!!;)

alias07

Hi Notyet, my heart goes out to you - it would help if all situations were so black and white that a choice was easy - but it so seldom is.

I have never been a smoker but my husband was until last year, and I can appreciate it's not easy to give up - especially in stressful times - as these undoubtedly are for you all. We split up for a while and had money problems too - all he thought of was getting his cigs and often didn't have money for food. Completely mad - but it happens. Of course it does make it hugely worse that children are involved, but there must be something in the relationship that is good if you haven't sent him on his way already?

Anyway, what I really wanted to say is that my husband used to spend stupidly and not think about what we had left - accrued loads of debt - mind you, he can't now because we have !!!!!! all credit rating left! There's usually something positive to be found isn't there! But he only started to get better when we decided things had to change and he became more involved in the budgeting. Once he realised how much the cat food cost - the cat went straight onto dry food! Just an example. Whilst I was sorting the money, he just had no clue.

Of course, if your OH actually taking what little cash you have without your knowledge, he may have a fair way to go before you can go to that option. I agree with the other posters who say hide it away from the house at the moment - but it's not the greatest long term plan for you relationship wise, if he's not going to get his act together. You'll just eventually despise him for being such a drain on the family.

Why not show him this thread? It may make him think twice about your situation. All I did learn was that it is absolutely impossible to control someone else's spending / behaviour etc. They have to decide to change it. We did get back together, and my OH has taken a lot more responsibility for money affairs - it's getting better, he's not always great, but then again I have my moments too!

I don't know whether this has been much help to you - but my thoughts are with you, and I hope things start to improve for you soon x

notyet

Hi guys,

I just wanted to say a sincere thank you to all who have offered support and advice here. Truly, its been great to read your thoughts and you guys probably kept me sane over the last couple of weeks! :beer:
The OH has readily admitted he's useless with money, doesnt understand APR rates and cant work out interest rates on anything. He's confessed that he knows how much debt we are in, but says as long as he's earning, he's not worrying. (I wasnt particularly happy with this little gem!) He's convinced there are worse situations than ours, but as i told him several times, I dont care about others, only the one i'm living in, so help!

I think the message is starting to get through, as he voluntarily handed over his debit card this morning, and handed me the £1 he found outside the shop last night! :T The cynic in me says he found a fiver and gave me the change, but at least he shared. I cannot help but chuckle a little when his stomach growls while the kids are eating their cereals. I think he's learning!

Again, thank you so much for your messages. I am so grateful that you wonderful people took time to reply to me.
:grouphug:

timbstoke

Sounds like a good start, and equally, a good job you're there! I have to admit I'm the same as your husband to a degree - it's painful to feel broke when you know you've been earning money. What I've had to do is force myself to take my 'week before payday' attitude of "Can't spend anything because I don't have it" to the weeks following payday. I'm still not entirely there, but I'm making good progress.

I admit, I also share your husband's attitude of "Well I'm earning money, so I can afford to take a little time." In a way it's true - I'm fortunate enough to work in a growing company that's doing very well despite the economy, so it doesn't matter so much if I only pay £100 off my card one month instead of the £200 I could pay if I really tried. But in another way, I really want that debt gone - as soon as it is, I can spend that money on myself without any guilt about hitting the cards again.

Sit down and figure out how much you're paying off your debts each month. Then figure out how much of that is interest. The interest you can immediately say "That's money we might as well be throwing in the bin every month" - it's actual, real money that isn't buying you anything, and you're just throwing it away. The repayments aren't being thrown away as such, but it's still money that you could be spending elsewhere if you didn't have the debts.

In my case, I'd be about £200 per month better off if I wasn't paying anything off my debts. That £50 a week is a good night out, a new computer game, or some new clothes. Every week. That's the lifestyle I'll be able to enjoy when I've actually cleared it all. You need to figure out how much better off you'd be, and explain it to your husband in those terms. I suspect when he grasps that, he might just see sense.