How to become assertive and not a push over when its not in your nature?

Steel_2

One thing I found very helpful is to write down my boundaries, which going beyond makes me feel uncomfortable, and then quietly police those boundaries.

I got some self-help psychology books and learnt to understand the different ways people can try and cross my boundaries and get me to do something for them which didn't benefit me in any way.

Then I came up with a selection of stock phrases and used those when I felt someone was trying it on. My current favourite is to say: "That doesn't work for me." which usually prompts the question "well what does work for you?"

Another one I've used is: "It's not possible for me to do that right now" and "I don't think so."

For really persistent people, I used the broken record technique. Just keep saying the same thing calmly every time they try and persuade you and eventually they give up, usually in a strop but that's not your problem. If they were well-mannered people they wouldn't keep harping on when your intent is clear.

For really persistent rude people, I've got to a point where I just walk off and leave them talking:rotfl:

Assertiveness doesn't mean getting into fights or confrontations with people. You don't have to raise your voice, but you do have to start getting rid of that guilt. if you don't want to do something, there's nothing wrong with that! Don't feel guilty for not wanting to be forced into doing something you don't want to do. Don't feel you have to explain yourself either. That's a common trick people use to try and find a chink in your armour and force their way through.

Start with small things and build up over time.

travelgran

I would say be extra clear about whether you can agree to something or not, both in the words used and in your voice. For example saying 'No, I'm not at all happy about that' is stronger than 'We..ll, at present I'm not entirely happy about that'.
I have a friend who has to be told 'No'. Not 'Well it's not really convenient. I've got a lot of work on. It's bit pricey for me' etc.

minimoneysaver

A huge part of being assertive is knowing where your boundaries lay and what is important to you.

chriszzz

I think sometimes when we don't have the ability to be assertive, it can stem from insecurities self belief and also not trusting your own natural instincts, hence listening and believing the lies being spieled over what you truly believe.
I always look at it this way, the only person who has my best interest at heart is me....so I have learn't to trust my instincts and let no clown try and manipulate me for their own benefit!

Trust in yourself and eventually you will be learn to be assertive...try and remember its the other person who has the problem and is using your good nature to get what they want from you.

Some are assertive naturally, I wasn't one of them, I too would feel sorry for the other person but always at my expense...not anymore! I don't have a problem being assertive now and I think that also comes with life experiences and age.

Hermia

Assertiveness is something that can definitely be learnt, but it takes time and practice. Try to remember that you are not hurting anyone else by being assertive. I actually prefer dealing with assertive people. If I ask an assertive person for a favour and they say 'yes' I feel I can accept that favour comfortable in the knowledge that they are happy to do it. If someone doesn't like you being assertive it says more about them than you.