How to become assertive and not a push over when its not in your nature?

jetta_wales

There's nothing wrong with being submissive by nature so long as you are fully respected by the one you love and never ever taken advantage of, if you are then it sounds like that's not a great person to be with given your nature. Choices would be, change (if you really want to and think you can) or one day find the protective, treats you like a princess man of your dreams :-)

tasha-debt

I am not an assertive person at heart but the job I do requires me to do so. My friend told me to think about it like I am an actress playing a part (ie my job) and think what would the character do..... prob sounds really silly but it works for me. Plus I give myself peep talks lol

poppyscorner

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

I am happy to explain via pm, but do not want to put any more information on here for just incase it was stumbled across and used against me. The route I am taking at the moment is a route I need to tread carefully with. But if you feel you can help feel free to pm me and I will try and explain it to you

I could have written your post !! I am so soft it is unreal I constantly am reminded of this by OH who has no problems with it ! I have a few times though felt pushed into a corner where I will stand up for myself and I am trying to get better with it I do feel better once I have done it but only if I have done it where its controlled and not just blew up if that makes sense.

jetta_wales

I can be assertive to anyone (except my partner) and it's having that one person that I never have to be strong around and can feel like every weight in the world is off my shoulders when I'm with him that gives me the strength to be a force to be reckoned with if I ever need to be with other people in life.

We're all wired differently try to understand yourself and why you feel you are the way you are to understand if it's something that you need to change in you or that you need to change in life (if that makes any sense).

SingleMumOf2_3

Its not someone I am currently with who is the problem. It is someone who I used to be with but am not anymore. Sometimes I feel hatred, but most of the time I feel sorry for the person. And I think he plays on that and knows how to work me. But I am struggling to escape from the feelings I always struggle with.

jetta_wales

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

Its not someone I am currently with who is the problem. It is someone who I used to be with but am not anymore. Sometimes I feel hatred, but most of the time I feel sorry for the person. And I think he plays on that and knows how to work me. But I am struggling to escape from the feelings I always struggle with.

What feelings do you struggle with? Feel free to pm me if you want to x

SingleMumOf2_3

Guilt, pressure, the inability to stand up for myself and say no or object. The person is very good at lying and most of the time I fall for it. Though even when I have facts to show he is lying.. I then doubt myself. I am constantly doubting if my suggestions are correct or if its just how I am thinking at the time.
And the things that are done I have no proof off.. so always worry I will be seen as a terrible mum.

jetta_wales

SingleMumOf2 wrote: »

Guilt, pressure, the inability to stand up for myself and say no or object. The person is very good at lying and most of the time I fall for it. Though even when I have facts to show he is lying.. I then doubt myself. I am constantly doubting if my suggestions are correct or if its just how I am thinking at the time.
And the things that are done I have no proof off.. so always worry I will be seen as a terrible mum.

Ahh I'm guessing you are still tied to him by your children then. It's unfortunate that you can not cut yourself off from him and I guess that must feel pretty trapping.

Do you have a friend or relative that could be with you when you have to see him just for moral support and so he doesn't get to think you are vulnerable and he can get away with things.

pozalina

Hi, I am a bit like you too, especially with certain people. I can never seem to say no to my step-daughter (who is 25!). I know a bit part of my problem is a) that I want people to like me and b) I like to be nice (maybe because of 'a') and c) I don't like confrontation.

I haven't got any great solutions for you but with my SD I have got so wound up about it in the past that I had to plan something. I would basically make myself put off a decision, e.g. if she rang me and asked if I would drive her to the supermarket (something that takes her hours to do) I would say I'd have to check if I'm free and then give myself time to think abiut whetehr it is convenient for me or not. If not, I would then plan an answer so i I didn't bottle it when it came to the crunch!

It sounds like the person you refer to is making you doubt yourself and your skills as a mother. Have you got any friends or family you can run things past, who can help give a more objective view of the things that are happening?

ERICS_MUM

tasha-debt wrote: »

I am not an assertive person at heart but the job I do requires me to do so. My friend told me to think about it like I am an actress playing a part (ie my job) and think what would the character do..... prob sounds really silly but it works for me. Plus I give myself peep talks lol

Not silly at all, this is how I managed to do my job (quite well according to colleagues). By the time I retired I could have acted on the West End stage!

OP, please don't think that you'll become assertive immediately you decide to do so. If it's not natural for you, you will have to learn it which takes time and practice. Choose your battles, start with a small thing, say No nicely and stick to it. Be confident about why you say no or yes so that you can give a brief reason without feeling you have to give an excuse. Also try observing how other people around you say No - what they say, how they say it, body language, eye contact etc.

It sounds like this person is telling you rather than asking you, which is a sure sign of aggression.

Good luck, i do hope you can make progress. Let us know how you get on.

Linda :T