let down by family again

CH27

pigpen wrote: »

19, 17, 15, 13, 12, 10, 8, 6 and 9 months

And we are now way off topic...

You must be super organised. I'm in awe of you.

ailuro2

I think families that differ like yours are a fact of life - while some would give their right arm to help family, others force their 'help' in when it's not needed and it's then classed as interference, others again believe in letting their other family members get on with it and not offering too much assistance or even none at all.

You need to realise there is a difference and try not to be offended. When the Nan needed new tenants she would have offered it to her grandson if she had wanted him to have it - but maybe she realised it would be much harder for her to take him to court for unpaid rent than it would be someone with whom her relationship was purely business. Maybe she rented to family in the past and got her fingers burnt?

If your husband's employer is mucking him about he should be out there job hunting on the days when he isn't working, and apply for everything that's suitable. If his brother works there then it's acceptable to ask if it's OK to mention his name if he gets an interview, but it's not OK to ask someone to see what they can do for you - that's not very businesslike, imho.

the kitten thing - maybe she's hoping you're going to offer some money for it and that's why she's playing a bit hard to get, or maybe she's torn about handing it over even though it's for the kitten's best interests. You'll only know if you ask outright.;)

evansmummy

I totally see your point on why you feel this way.
My family and my husbands are totally different. My mum loves seeing my children and does at least once a week. My husbands mum and dad see them maybe once a month, if we go to them, and they only live a 2 min walk away.
It really gets my goat that they don't want to see them as I feel they are rejecting them. It's not that I want to offload the children it's that I want them to have a relationship with them. They adore both my mum and dad because they see them often.
It just goes to show that all families are different. My husband is quite embarrassed by the lack of interest his family show compared to mine but it's their loss.
Try not to rely on other people and you won't be disappointed. That's our motto!!

carolan78

I think some of you are been a little harsh on the op. No it is not a right to expect grandparents to look after your children BUT I would be miffed if they would have one of mine but never the other overnight. It also sounds like these Grandparents don't want to see their Grandchildren much at all and I can't imagine any of my children's Grandparents or myself when I am a Grandparent ever been like that. These years we'll never ever get back and all we will have is the memories we created.

OP best thing you can do for your own sanity is accept that is how they are and try not to let it get to you as it has in the past. They'll be a day when they need you to help and support them as much as you may need it now.

pigpen

carolan78 wrote: »

I think some of you are been a little harsh on the op. No it is not a right to expect grandparents to look after your children BUT I would be miffed if they would have one of mine but never the other overnight. It also sounds like these Grandparents don't want to see their Grandchildren much at all and I can't imagine any of my children's Grandparents or myself when I am a Grandparent ever been like that. These years we'll never ever get back and all we will have is the memories we created.

OP best thing you can do for your own sanity is accept that is how they are and try not to let it get to you as it has in the past. They'll be a day when they need you to help and support them as much as you may need it now.

but they want the older one.. who is easier to look after.. the younger 1 is 2.. maybe they feel too old to be chasing a toddler round the house.. they might have been ok doing it 4 or 5 years ago but they aren't etting any younger.

the older one might be happy entertaining himself and able to get himself a drink or small snack and the younger one might be a monkey and into everything as comes with being 2 and need everything doing for him or still be in nappies even! maybe they realise their limitations and the OP should too.

pinkclouds

carolan78 wrote: »

OP best thing you can do for your own sanity is accept that is how they are and try not to let it get to you as it has in the past. They'll be a day when they need you to help and support them as much as you may need it now.

Mmm. I hope the point was that the OP should reciprocate i.e. return the same level of help received.

Anyway, the OP isn't being "let down" if that family has never supported her in the first place. Better to accept that they won't and move on. It would be nice if they helped but they don't. There is nothing that can change that so there is nothing to say. Sorry OP.

carolan78

@Pigpen if it is te case they don't feel able to cope with the 2 year old then surely it wouldn't be difficult to offer to take him to a park for an hour to make up for it. I just don't see why some form of guilt wouldn't kick in with the Grandparents (spending time with one Grandchild and not the other). My parents can't see my Niece every week like they do my children because of distance (about 5 hours away) but they do have her for long weekends or the week when they have time off work to make up for the time they miss with her. My Husbands parents see my children roughly once a month due to distance, they miss the children lots too and will often take them for a few days in the school holidays (mine are 5 and 3 and they have done this since the youngest was about 18 months).

Maybe it is because of how my grandparents were with me and my children's grandparents are with them I can not comprehend why a grandparent would ever want to leave one child out.

@pinkcloud no it wasn't supposed to insinuate she should treat them the same because it seems she has been brought up with a supportive family and probably couldn't do that or live with the guilt It was more a hint at giving the inlaws a subtle reminder the boot will be on the other foot one day.

pigpen

carolan78 wrote: »

@Pigpen if it is te case they don't feel able to cope with the 2 year old then surely it wouldn't be difficult to offer to take him to a park for an hour to make up for it. I just don't see why some form of guilt wouldn't kick in with the Grandparents (spending time with one Grandchild and not the other). My parents can't see my Niece every week like they do my children because of distance (about 5 hours away) but they do have her for long weekends or the week when they have time off work to make up for the time they miss with her. My Husbands parents see my children roughly once a month due to distance, they miss the children lots too and will often take them for a few days in the school holidays (mine are 5 and 3 and they have done this since the youngest was about 18 months).

Maybe it is because of how my grandparents were with me and my children's grandparents are with them I can not comprehend why a grandparent would ever want to leave one child out.
.

What would make trying to keep up with a 2 year old in the park easier than keeping up with him in his own or the grandparents own home?? I can imagine even for able grandparents it would be tiring and result in several hours nap.. it is far more difficult to take them out than it is to have them at home.

I don't take my own children to the park because I cannot keep up with them if they do a runner.. why should they wear themselves out possibly make themselves ill or very tired for days just to pander to the OP? Surely they have raised their own children and the grandchildren are not their responsibility...

My mother was 37 when I had my oldest and she absolutely would not look after him.. in fact I had my sisters all the time (4 and 7) and the favour was never returned. She is now 57 and wouldn't look after the children, even 1 of them, if her life depended on it!

I lived with my nanna until I was 8 and my other nanna used to look after bunches of grandchildren until she was in her mid sixties.. but it was never expected of her she did genuinely love it...

I think the OP needs to realise her inlaws are not going to change and be what she wants them to be.. they are who they are and they can't be all bad if they raised her hubby to be who he is (assuming he is lovely of course) and she has to accept them for who they are the same as they do her.

scooby088

My mother always said to me you made your bed now lie in it, my dad got me my first job out of school and i returned the favour about 15 years later. But other than that i never asked or wanted any help from my parents. I think OP should stand on their own two feet. Then you dont have to thank anyone.