living with someone who would have to contribute more financially

74jax

This is a scary read! It's my post this time last year!! :-)

I had been seeing my OH for 5 years last May and we decided to go for the plunge during the last May Day Bank Holiday. I worked part time so lost all my benefits and just had my wage to live off. OH works full-time in a job that pays 4 x my salary.

He had his place but owned it outright so had no mortgage, no heating costs (due to it's build) and so moving in with me meant his monthly bills almost doubled, and I was left with nothing at the end of each month. IT WAS HARD!! After a month we switched to the % method and things started to fall into place.

It is VERY hard living with someone again. My daughter and I always spent a night a weekend with a takeaway and it was 'our' time, only now we had another person in the equation. My OH is very messy, he'd leave a shirt lying round etc, so when i told DD to clean up she would say 'but he hasn't'. I liked coming home and the house was as I'd left it, only it changed. It wasn't how I'd left it, but how he'd left it.

I'd work out who expects what regarding cleaning. It took us a long long time to work out my standards aren't his standards. Work out how you'll sort the food shopping. If you cook, will he clean up?

It's very hard at first but worth it to come through the other end. This bank holiday we'll be in Rome celebrating our 6 years together and 1 year of living together. At times I have to say I never thought we'd make it ;-)

Good luck!

balletshoes

martinthebandit wrote: »

Is the right answer.

and, to be honest, if you are getting hung up on 'whats mine and whats his' it does not sound to me as though you are ready for a proper commitment to him.

sorry to be blunt

and thats absolutely fine for some, but not for others.
I've been with my OH for 11 years, married for 8, and yes, in principle, both our money is "our money" for the household. But we don't pool all our money - we cover the bills, the holiday saving, the big purchase saving etc together, but we both have whats left separately to do with as we wish. Personally I don't think it has anything to do with the level of commitment you have to the relationship.

OP if your idea of both your putting half your earnings into the joint pot will cover everything and leave some left over, then I think thats a good idea and perfectly workable .

catkins

I am surprised so many of you have separate accounts and talk about paying "percentages" of bills.

When I got married we immediately got a joint account. Both our wages have always gone into it and bills paid out of it. When we first got married I earned a lot more than my husband then things changed and we earned almost the same, then he earned more than me. Now I don't work only he does.

Nothing ever changed over the years - money goes into the account, the bills get paid, money left is ours to do what we want with.

74jax

catkins wrote: »

I am surprised so many of you have separate accounts and talk about paying "percentages" of bills.

When I got married we immediately got a joint account. Both our wages have always gone into it and bills paid out of it. When we first got married I earned a lot more than my husband then things changed and we earned almost the same, then he earned more than me. Now I don't work only he does.

Nothing ever changed over the years - money goes into the account, the bills get paid, money left is ours to do what we want with.

I think it's what works best for the individual couple. Although I agree, when you're married everything is 'joint' anyway. However, when you are first starting out living together (not married) it can make good financial sense NOT to have joint accounts until you are ready.

Tropez

There's always some who feel that money should be pooled as one, irrespective of whether that is what the people involved in the relationship want or not, and irrespective of whether it is actually better for the people in the relationship or not.

Just because two people are involved in a relationship doesn't mean that they will have the exact same financial needs, prospects and outlooks. I doubt there is a couple around that agree on every single thing, and if there is, I'd probably think they were a couple of V's, so why should money be any different?

Money is the single biggest cause of arguments in relationships according to the majority of statistical analysis, so if two people can come up with a way of removing it as a source of conflict, whether it be combining their pool, or keeping a degree of separation, then good for them.

There's no right or wrong, there's no "rubbish" as someone said earlier, and there's no correct answer.

I have money in several investments and savings accounts, whilst my partner has money tied up in her business. Sorry, but anyone who thinks that it would even be appropriate to start pooling our funds is living in la la land, and anyone who thinks that money matters should be dealt with whilst adhering to some pseudo-idealistic claptrap need to understand that everyone is different and just because some people consider money a part of the partnership, others do not.

It takes all sorts to make the world go round as they say.

Mojisola

Those of you who split bills by a percentage of salary and are left with a different amount of spending/saving money from your OH - how does this work in practice? Does the richer one indulge themselves by buying personal stuff or do they accumulate much greater savings?

I know a couple where she used to go on holiday but he didn't because he earned less than her and couldn't afford it. It didn't seem like a genuine relationship to me.

Tropez

Mojisola wrote: »

Those of you who split bills by a percentage of salary and are left with a different amount of spending/saving money from your OH - how does this work in practice? Does the richer one indulge themselves by buying personal stuff or do they accumulate much greater savings?

I know a couple where she used to go on holiday but he didn't because he earned less than her and couldn't afford it. It didn't seem like a genuine relationship to me.

In my case, yes, naturally it ends up with me having more money at the end of the month to do with as I please.

However, simply because I have this extra money does not mean that I am spending it all on myself. My partner and I have common interests and so some, nay many, of the smaller things I buy she will use anyway. I've been told off about spending too much of money directly on her but I do buy her little things.

I'd never sit there lighting a cigar with a twenty while watching my partner eating her dinner consisting of a pea and a slice of toast.

As for holidays, they're fairly simple. We'd never go anywhere that the other one couldn't afford and we always plan far enough ahead. This year, we're going to Texas and the deal was simple, and suggested by her, I would buy the flights and she would book and pay for the hotel rooms, because they essentially cost about the same.

sueeve

Afyter 48 years with my husband, and now on pensions, we have worked it so that we both have around the same to do what we like with as individuals (I don't have to account for little indulgences, clothes, hair and so on) and the rest is in the joint account for bills, which include all the things we do together, meals out, holidays, as well as household stuff. If it gets a bit short we have enough (because we are both careful) to put in a little extra. We don't bother to work out to the nearest penny, or pound, but are in the same area.

Mojisola

Tropez wrote: »

In my case, yes, naturally it ends up with me having more money at the end of the month to do with as I please.

However, simply because I have this extra money does not mean that I am spending it all on myself. My partner and I have common interests and so some, nay many, of the smaller things I buy she will use anyway. I've been told off about spending too much of money directly on her but I do buy her little things.

I'd never sit there miserly lighting a cigar with a twenty while watching my partner eating her dinner consisting of a pea and a slice of toast.

As for holidays, they're fairly simple. We'd never go anywhere that the other one couldn't afford and we always plan far enough ahead. This year, we're going to Texas and the deal was simple, and suggested by her, I would buy the flights and she would book and pay for the hotel rooms, because they essentially cost about the same.

So are you accumulating savings? If so, what for if they aren't going be used within the relationship?

We never considered any way other than our money being joint and it's interesting to see how other arrangements work.

74jax

Mojisola wrote: »

So are you accumulating savings? If so, what for if they aren't going be used within the relationship?

I think that's a really personal question. It's not really any of our business what they are saving for. I save for things which aren't used on my relationship, it might be a weekend away with friends or something, but I wouldn't have thought I shouldn't do this as it 'isn't to be used within the relationship'

We never considered any way other than our money being joint and it's interesting to see how other arrangements work.

If money is joint, how do you buy each other presents? or surprise them? I'm taking my OH to Rome in a few weeks as a surprise for our 6th anniversary, there's no way he wouldn't spot a grand or two missing from 'our' account.

I have no real interest in what he spends his money on, he would think nothing to sending £700 on a kiteboard or new kite and that's up to him, it's his money. All bills have been paid.

As for what if he has more left each month than me (which is EVERY month), then he would pay. He wouldn't grumble or fuss and I wouldn't mind as next time I'd pay.

It doesn't have to work for everyone and their isn't a 'mould' or 'one size fits all'. It is what works for you.