Just found out partner owes...

sp1987

ironman1 wrote: »

Also by paying me back, all I would do with the £10 is put it in my boys account or something, not go on the !!!! or anything like that. She as a way of making you feel guilty and is very childish. When I asked her what she spent the majority of this loan on she said clothes as I don't buy her any and most bf's/husbands do. Now I am not making my self sound good but in the three years since I have met her I have given her three holidays a year abroad on average, a nice home, go ott on presents and obviously proposed and had a baby with her.

Now as I said I am not perfect but she hasn't done too bad has she. How many young 21 year olds (when we met) would turn their nose up at that?

I am a little younger than her it seems as I am 23. I cannot think of any of my friends that are that immature (some are particularly partial to men paying for things for them but they are always appreciative)... 'most bf's/husbands do' just seems the most ridiculous thing to say. I wonder if 'most gf's/wives' behave like children? I would guess not. That is the sort of thing you say to your parents when you are 5 'but everyone else has one'. She seems like a bit of a brat. Good luck with her attitude. :rotfl:

Ames

Do you think that it's because of all the holidays etc that she's overspent? Trying to keep up with an image of you as a couple that she just can't afford? Maybe she felt she needed new clothes to go on holiday with, or needed spending money when she was there?

If she earned less than you then maybe she's been using debt to keep up with you? Not wanting to let you down? That ties in with her hiding the debt.

It sounds to me like when she's trying to justify things she's grabbing at straws and just saying the first thing that comes into her mind, like most people do in an argument when they're backed into a corner.

I agree with the poster above, it sounds like you're giving her the life you think she wants, instead of finding out what she really does want.

foxgloves

I think it's the lie here that's the bigger issue, as the debt has gone & luckily you were in a position to pay it off. I think, however, that you are going to have to draw a line under this experience or you will be unable to move on. My partner had 16k of debt when we first got engaged. Some of it was through something that had happened that was sheer bad luck, some of it was being kinder, financially, to a not very pleasant ex-girlfriend than he should have been, and the rest was down to that well-known toxic mix of never budgetting & continually overspending. Not long afterwards, I was in a position to clear this debt which I did because I didn't want us to enter our future together weighed down by years of monthly repayments. I fully understood that he'd had some bad luck, but couldn't help feeling annoyed that so much of my significant lump sum was set to disappear down a black hole. In turn, he felt terribly guilty about accepting my offer. So that we could get beyond all this baggage, we agreed that me getting rid of the debt would benefit both of us BUT that we needed to draw a line under it & move on. We agreed not to mention it & although it was some years later before LBM struck, we now have joint accounts & although I do all the budgeting as my skills in this are stronger, our money belongs to both of us because we are a 'unit'. I think to move this on, you need to come to an agreement that despite feeling let down about the lie, you won't mention the incident again as long as you can both sit down together & work on a proper budget. Don't put punishment payments in place where she has to pay you £10 a week or whatever, as you are a family now & the money belongs to both of you. Instead, make sure that your budget reflects the need to put a little extra away for emergencies. Hopefully, onces you are no longer at each other's throats over this, she may see that the best way of making amends is to put an effort into the budget & cutbacks on the spending/household front so that you are more likely to be financially secure. With no sign of an economic recovery on the way, this is the best thing for all couples/families. And remember, if you have to scream & shout, you have already lost control of the argument (I say that as someone else who used to have problems with a hot temper!) Good luck.

SJ1

I think that she knew how you would react and therefore put off telling you. The longer that she went on lying, the harder it would be to tell you that she had really mucked up (stronger language can be inserted!). Now, she HAS to tell you as she is on maternity pay and she just can't continue as she has done, trying to sort it out on her own without you - because that is what she was doing. Maybe not very well but she was paying it off.

I think this because she told you over the phone (giving you time to calm down) and because she has reacted by hitting back at you. When people feel guilty they react in one of two ways, they apologise and go on and on or they hit back - they fight back. Especially if they think that they are being treated like a child (no matter whether they deserve that). Names get called and stupif old arguments brought up - children always get caught in the middle of this kind fight as bargaining tools and trump cards. I don't know many couples who haven't had arguments like this.

You need to decide whether you do want to operate as a unit or not. You have paid off the debt, you don't say whether she asked you to or not but I don't think she did. You made the decision to pay it off as you could have got her to continue paying her £48 a week. I know why you decided this - it is sort of a no brainer as its at 25% interest - but it says quite a lot about you as a couple. I think that you do see yourselves as a unit and that is why you paid it off. It now sounds like you are regretting your decision, you are wondering, it this really a good unit for me and now you are backtracking. Am I being taken for a mug? Please don't do this - there is no point in it, it will just make you both miserable together. If you made the decision and you felt relieved then it was the right one. I think is just the hurt that the lying caused that is making you wonder, is she the right woman for me. Have you told her about how the lying has affected you?? Have you found out what she thinks about that.... I really think that that will be defining for you both.

I really think if you calm down and she has a little time that she will end up saying thank you and I am so glad you are here and I am sorry.... But she thinks you are annoyed with her (and you have good reason to be and she knows that) so its offensive time. She is also, please remember, post natal. I was soooo not myself when I had just had a baby, I was depressed and teary and tired and my emotions were just all over the place. Please cut her a little slack for this.

The only thing that worries me about your posts is her going on about boyfriends buying clothes and stuff for their girlfriends. This is hard to hear and personally I have always earned enough of 'our' income not to feel guilty about buying myself 'stuff'. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt that this is just her hitting out. She obviously feels bad about the debt.

I think that you need to say to her that you have paid off the debt, it's over but she needs to understand that you need to trust her again, so she needs to share her account information with you. Needs to cut up the cards and needs to know that if she needs things she can come and talk to you while she is off work and you can discuss it together.

I hope you get through it, you sound like a great guy. You have, I think, a lovely family as well. Give it a little time and I think it will all work out. Please don't feel like you have been taken for a mug. I really do think that she was trying to pay this off without you knowing and if she was going to treat you like a mug she would have told you right at the start and asked you to pay it off then.

All the very best of luck and enjoy this time with your new babbie...

SJ

ironman1

Thanks for taking the time to reply everyone. Slowly getting over it...

summerstreetallotments

Unfortunately big spenders on credit will continue with this if they get the chance...I'm one of them - you need to accept that this may always be a problem with her....tell her that if she runs up a debt you may leave her...and then see what happens....

SJ1

This isn't exactly a debt that she has added to for every year that they have been together so I think classing her as a 'compulsive spender' is a bit over the top.

I don't think that she will go back there but ironman you need to make sure that she is able to talk to you if she needs something and if it is very important to her. Girly things don't always make sense to blokes, I love shoes, my hubby doesn't get it but then he likes go-karting and I think that is such a waste of money... Its the difference between men and women and that is what makes life so interesting....;)

Good luck, sure you will get there...

SJ