Just found out partner owes...

Pantera_Fan

First off congratulations on your new child.

I think this is a key point which doesn't come across in your initial posts:

ironman1 wrote: »

I can't make her pay me back as I don't view my money as 'mine'.

As you probably know in a stable relationship (which I assume yours is with a child and mortgage together) your money is not yours and hers is not hers, you are a unit and both need to think and act like that, if not for your relationship but for your young child. Yes you are the one working and making money but she isn't exactly sitting around doing nothing all day, she is looking after your child.

I have also become a father for the first time in January and fully appreciate how hard it is dropping an income. If you can sit down together and work out how to reduce your outgoings and how to make the most of what you have it will really help. You need to work together and engage one another in all aspects of your life and finances.

Maybe she could join a local mothers group where they swap baby clothes and items. This is also very social and supportive which could help any issues you may have as new parents.

All the best.

shellyruby

canidothis wrote: »

as harsh as it sounds I agree with sp1987 - Ive just posted a new thread cos Ive found out the extent of my Oh business debt - but in the past he has been helped out by his parents and I really feel if they had turned round years ago and said 'sort yourself out' we wouldnt be in the position we are now. If at all you can I would backtrack and ask her to repay your savings - people need to learn how to manage their money and also understand the fallout if they are unable to manage their money -Some months ago my eldest daughter rang with money problems but we are not and were not in the position to help her, so she went and helped herself - she visited CAB, wrote a budget and worked out way out of things - all at the age of 19...it will help her no end for the future...and this is something that maybe your Gf should consider -

totally agree with the above..
i had a debt of 11 grand[now down to 3.5]when i first got together with my partner....i hid it from him for years and worried about demanding mail coming when he moved in with me...i worried myself sick about how to tell him but i was always going to pay it myself..and didnt dream that he might pay it off and pride wouldnt have let me even if he would have offered[which he didnt lol]

and he had a bit of a rant about it when i did tell him but it was my debt and my responsibilty.

paying it has made you resentful and mistrustful of her for the future..i dont blame you..i would have felt the same...
how would you have felt if she would have said ive got this debt and im going to pay it slowley by myself..would you have felt better about it...was it the thought of the debt hanging over you both..did you think about not paying it...i know you said shes on maternity and hasnt money coming in but she wont be on maternity for ever and could have gone on a dmp.

my debt has made me realise that i will never get in debt after mine is paid of because ive paid it by myself..
all you can do is put it behind you...start again..tell her that its a new slate and you wont be bailing her out again..
you cant talk to her at the moment as very soon after the birth and hormones are running high..shes proberly in attacking mode as a form of defense and proberly feels highly embarrased about the situation that youve had to bail her out...

congrats on your new baby..enjoy and things will settle down with the hormones and you can have a proper talk about it and say exactly how you felt about the trust etc...
she proberly was worried sick about telling you.dosent excuse it but sometimes we dig ourselves a hole and find it impossible to extract ourselves from it.
good luck.:)

downnotout

If her credit score is low via the debt, you can rest easy that she wont be able to get credit elsewhere easy. At the end of the day you just have to cut her some slack, money really is not worth falling out over and your reaction (even though you are justified in many respects) is possibly the very reason she tried to hide it from you. Congrats on the baby and try to wipe the slate clean, for the sake of your relationship.

LilacPixie

To be honest maybe it would be better if you both live apart for the sake of your child. You have admitted to having issues with a bad temper and you say nasty things and she obviously had decided not to tell you about debt and to be honest she was quite possibly afraid of your reaction. You have refered to the mother of your child as 'ths girl' and stated you would rather just be rid of her, you also felt lie violence. I think your relationship sound destructive and controlling

You say yourself mortgage/bills are paid and neither of you withdraw from the budgetting account so I really don't see what it is you have to be angry about. Your partner is also on maternity leave so I am assuming will have some income just lower than normal. You don't like debt fair enough but your partner is an adult and it is up to her to deal with her business herself and TBH as long as joint bills being paid its none of your business.

I guess I am coming from my POV which is I'm married I am also on maternity leave. I have my credit card which i use on a weekly basis, my husband has his as well. We pay the joint commitments things kids need food etc then our earnings are ours and ours alone. He would have zero idea of what is outstanding on my credit card and I have no real idea with his.

I would be mightily pe'd off if my husband started to demand totals or a lo at my credit file. I actually have no idea how much is currently on my card TBH but I pay in full each month and I suspect husband does the same.

ironman1

Lilac, it seems like you and your Husband both know about eachothers credit cards etc, so there is no problem. The fact is I found out about my gf's debt two years ago when I saw a red figure on here bank account (I honestly wasn't snooping I just walked past and noticed it). She started crying saying she owed £2000 and she had withdrawn it pretending it was a gift from her parents as a moving in present as they said they would help towards the deposit/furniture which they didn't. Not that I am moaning as I don't expect or ask anything off of anyone.

She said she paid this debt off. If this sounds controlling so be it but as her last proper wage came through the other week i said would you show me your account just once to show the debt has gone as I could tell by the way she was acting that it hadn't.

'Ok i will show you the main page but not direct debits or anything'. Why not? Ok she doesn't HAVE to show me but if there is nothing to hide then prove it. She eventually told me that she does have this debt still.

The fact is i have asked her about three or four times leading up to the baby and her losing money through maternity pay if she has a debt as i have a few quid stashed and just want a clean start with a mortgage and baby to look after. She denied it until I basically made her tell the truth by saying show me online. If this is controlling I really don't care as at least now she has the worry off her mind and we have no debt.

If my money is her money, her debt is my debt. I really don't see the point of her keeping it and paying back at a snails pace, what is the point when I have the small savings to pay it off, on a useless interest when her silly debt is 25% int?

The worrying thing is I really can't trust her anymore, her credit rating must be fine as I was with her when she took out a phone contract recently and they did a check. She was paying it back but the rate she was doing so meant she would have paid well ott for it.

I have worked out that had she not taken this debt out in the first place she/we would be about ten grand up. She didn't use it on anything special, just under two grand towards the deposit for our place (which wasn't even really needed as I had 4k left after paying the deposit) and other crap basically like presents for her family.

Well the debt is gone now (if that really is the only one) so at least I can sleep easy although I suspect I have made a slight mistake in paying it and getting her off the hook, but that was, in my eyes, the only option.

Trajal

Fella, you need to calm the heck down quickly. I appreciate what you're going through, but you'll just get yourself stressed and do something stupid (believe me, I know).

Look at it this way:

1. Yes it's dumb, but most of us have gotten ourselves into similiar if not worse situations.
2. She may have wanted to put a chunk into the deposit just to feel that the house was 'hers' as much as it is yours. Women are weird sometimes, and I can see this one being a really strong reason.
3. Presents for her family etc, well if she's not got the cash and she is worried about asking you because you'll moan (and believe me, I know that I moan too when it comes to gifts for my missus' family members) then she thought it would be the simple solution.

Not going to ask about if the baby was planned or anything like that, but you know, she clearly had good intentions, and was hoping she'd be able to pay it off herself and you'd never find out. I did something like this with my partner at the start of our relationship, but I could see that it was going to come out at some stage so after a few months I sat her down, calmly and explained the entire situation.

She may have felt unable to do that, you said you have a bit of a temper on ya.

Also, everyone is talking about her emotions and hormones after having a baby etc. But you have to bear in mind that you are going to be massively affected as well. I've not had any kids myself but I remember that my brother, who is normally an incredibly reliable and dependable old git, went incredibly wild eyed for about 2 months after the birth of their first kid.

Give yourself a couple of minutes, chill out a bit, maybe try and get someone to look after the baby for an afternoon and go out with your missus to the pub and just relax.

She'll be able to relax for the first time because you've taken all this debt of hers and gotten rid of it, and what a great bloke that makes you. And away from the home situation you might remember suddenly why it is that you love her so much and why she is worth hanging onto.

Good luck fella, but don't do something stupid. Seen it too much in the past.

ironman1 wrote: »

Lilac, it seems like you and your Husband both know about eachothers credit cards etc, so there is no problem. The fact is I found out about my gf's debt two years ago when I saw a red figure on here bank account (I honestly wasn't snooping I just walked past and noticed it). She started crying saying she owed £2000 and she had withdrawn it pretending it was a gift from her parents as a moving in present as they said they would help towards the deposit/furniture which they didn't. Not that I am moaning as I don't expect or ask anything off of anyone.

She said she paid this debt off. If this sounds controlling so be it but as her last proper wage came through the other week i said would you show me your account just once to show the debt has gone as I could tell by the way she was acting that it hadn't.

'Ok i will show you the main page but not direct debits or anything'. Why not? Ok she doesn't HAVE to show me but if there is nothing to hide then prove it. She eventually told me that she does have this debt still.

The fact is i have asked her about three or four times leading up to the baby and her losing money through maternity pay if she has a debt as i have a few quid stashed and just want a clean start with a mortgage and baby to look after. She denied it until I basically made her tell the truth by saying show me online. If this is controlling I really don't care as at least now she has the worry off her mind and we have no debt.

If my money is her money, her debt is my debt. I really don't see the point of her keeping it and paying back at a snails pace, what is the point when I have the small savings to pay it off, on a useless interest when her silly debt is 25% int?

The worrying thing is I really can't trust her anymore, her credit rating must be fine as I was with her when she took out a phone contract recently and they did a check. She was paying it back but the rate she was doing so meant she would have paid well ott for it.

I have worked out that had she not taken this debt out in the first place she/we would be about ten grand up. She didn't use it on anything special, just under two grand towards the deposit for our place (which wasn't even really needed as I had 4k left after paying the deposit) and other crap basically like presents for her family.

Well the debt is gone now (if that really is the only one) so at least I can sleep easy although I suspect I have made a slight mistake in paying it and getting her off the hook, but that was, in my eyes, the only option.

ironman1

Good advice mate, the thing I cant work out is she is still defending it and even slagging me off!

Because of what some people posted regarding me paying the debt, I said she should pay me back even £10 a week. Apparently that is too much. Despite her paying £48 a week to the debt people!

Also by paying me back, all I would do with the £10 is put it in my boys account or something, not go on the !!!! or anything like that. She as a way of making you feel guilty and is very childish. When I asked her what she spent the majority of this loan on she said clothes as I don't buy her any and most bf's/husbands do. Now I am not making my self sound good but in the three years since I have met her I have given her three holidays a year abroad on average, a nice home, go ott on presents and obviously proposed and had a baby with her.

Now as I said I am not perfect but she hasn't done too bad has she. How many young 21 year olds (when we met) would turn their nose up at that?

Trajal

Well she feels guilty so you've managed to back her into a corner, that makes her incredibly defensive, and a lot of people will just start talking random nonsense when that happens, including blaming the person who is making them feel defensive.

Like I said, just accept that women are weird and realise this is normal, back off from having a go at her about it.

In terms of holidays and all that, sounds like you're a bit like me. You gave her what you *thought* she wanted, rather than giving her a choice to find out what she *actually* wanted.

If you'd said 'well 3 holidays a year or 2 holidays a year *and* loads of money for clothes' then I bet you I know which she would have answered.

I think pretty much all blokes are guilty of that, just accept it and move on, any money that she pays you back is silly IMO, because you've mixed your lives and finances, so rather than that why not just talk about how much of a budget each month she would need towards clothes and try to come up with a reasonable figure that'll keep her happy.

You come across as a decent enough bloke so I'm sure you'll work it all out. Just take a chill pill and give way a lot for a while, you'll thank me for that later mate! Good luck!

ironman1 wrote: »

Good advice mate, the thing I cant
work out is she is still defending it and even slagging me off!

Because of what some people posted regarding me paying the debt, I said she should pay me back even £10 a week. Apparently that is too much. Despite her paying £48 a week to the debt people!

Also by paying me back, all I would do with the £10 is put it in my boys account or something, not go on the !!!! or anything like that. She as a way of making you feel guilty and is very childish. When I asked her what she spent the majority of this loan on she said clothes as I don't buy her any and most bf's/husbands do. Now I am not making my self sound good but in the three years since I have met her I have given her three holidays a year abroad on average, a nice home, go ott on presents and obviously proposed and had a baby with her.

Now as I said I am not perfect but she hasn't done too bad has she. How many young 21 year olds (when we met) would turn their nose up at that?

Oldernotwiser

It sounds as if she moved in with you straight from living at home and now treats you as if you were her father and as if it was your job to provide for her as her parents did. It's ridiculous that a modern working woman should expect her partner to buy her clothes for her and resent the fact that he doesn't.

I think that you have bigger problems ahead than just her attitude to debt and I feel like some mediation/couple counselling with an organisation like Relate would be a positive process for you both.

sp1987

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

It sounds as if she moved in with you straight from living at home and now treats you as if you were her father and as if it was your job to provide for her as her parents did. It's ridiculous that a modern working woman should expect her partner to buy her clothes for her and resent the fact that he doesn't.

I think that you have bigger problems ahead than just her attitude to debt and I feel like some mediation/couple counselling with an organisation like Relate would be a positive process for you both.

Entirely agree. However little a woman earns (and I accept often earnings can be limited if a woman is looking after children) she should be blessed with the mindset of knowing she can do things for herself and make her own decisions and accept the consequences. That in itself is quite liberating, debt or no debt.

Though it is rare I disagree with what you post. Sometimes I don't even bother to comment if you have already got there first as you tend to cover what I wanted to say.