Just found out partner owes...

ironman1

I am 25 and live with my gf with a young baby. I knew she had a couple of grand debt but she paid it off, this was a couple of years ago. Well it turns out she DIDN'T pay any of it back and she now owes £3,700.


Ok not a major amount but considering I have worked hard since leaving school and always saved but also led a half decent life. I am not on great money either just wanted a decent future.

We moved in together and got a mortgage and I am gutted at the mistrust more than anything. Luckily I do have around £5000 saved which I will use to pay this debt off.

Now I even know if I can trust that this is her only debt either?

Considering she is on Maternity leave and I am the only one earning I am just gutted and worried. I am being honest that when she told me over the phone I felt like chopping her head off.

How do I deal with this other than pay it if off? Will she get more loans out? I know I should have the answers but after finding this out I feel like I don't know her at all.

Maybe I am exaggerating over a loan that is probably not that big to some but for someone who tries to save wherever possible it is a kick in the b******s.

One other thing is i feel strangely relieved as I type this as we are paying the debt off over the phone, maybe it will be a fresh start. I always KNEW deep down that she owed money, she would always hide her online banking etc. Ok maybe I have no right to look at it anyway but I would not hide this from her and we have a joint account aswell as separate. :mad:

tallyhoh

Ask her to get a copy of her credit record & you should be able to see what debt she has.

ironman1

Sounds terrible asking to see that don't it? But why should I trust her?

To be honest if it wasn't for a new baby and living together I would just rather be rid of her, thats my honest feeling at the moment. If I sound like a **** fair enough but there is one thing I hate and that is liars. I do building work 48 hours a week from 7am and work my !!!! off doing overtime and trying to provide and I feel like I have been done up like a kipper. I have even been using extra money to overpay my mortgage every month thinking I was great for doing so, but yet she is paying off a 25% interest loan at the same time and not telling me.


I have always done the buying presents, flowers, taking her on holidays and breaks away and we live in a nice place for our first home so it isn't like she is deprived or anything.

LillythePink

First off.....you need to calm down

Yes, you feel angry about it, but have you spoken to her like an adult and not a child and found out why she didn't pay it off?

Have you asked her what the money was spent on?

I had debt which I didn't tell my OH about before and after we got married - it came out about this time last year but we were fortunate as we paid all of our debt off (incl his cc and his loan).

However, the majority of my debt was funding us - our holidays, trips away, stuff for the house, meals out etc - I did spend on them as well, but about two thirds of my debt was for us - my OH realised this in the end and now we are fine and debt free (apart from mortgage)

rising_from_the_ashes

I'm not surprised your angry and hurt - you've hit it on the head when you say it's the dishonesty and secrecy that does the most damage - and not being able to trust the person again moving forward.

As you've got a joint account, I'm assuming you both put an amount in each month to cover household/living costs etc - and the money in your separate accounts is yours to spend as you like?

I can only suggest that you sit down to do a budget together and it may be that you take responsibility for all the income and she almost gets "pocket money" to spend. (This is what happened to me - I hated it at the start but it got me to realise the value of money as I only had cash - no cards - and when it was gone, that was it).

I guess she could say it's none of your business (I tried that) but if you're planning to be together and build a future for your family then trust and honesty has to be the way forward.

Good luck

CH27

I'm not surprised you feel the way you do. Trust in a relationship is everything.

You need to get to the bottom of why she didn't pay the debt off.

Spring_Time

I know you are frustrated....but the way you are speaking about her here and your obvious anger could be the reason she has tried to hide it from you.
I can almost assure you that you can't say anything that she has not already said to herself. I expect this has been weighing her down for a long time, I get you are angry, but she needs your support right now.

ironman1

Well as I shouted about it, yeah I have a bad temper at times, she is calling me all the names under the sun even thought I just aid her debt off. She is still looking for people to blame which shows to me she still has a major 'problem' and her attitude since I found out actually leads me to believe she'd happily take out another loan, afterall I would have to pay it wouldn't I. She isn't earning and I wouldn't send her or/and my son packing.

I am just devastated but very angry and just feel terrible altogether

RuthnJasper

Ironman - you sound like a lovely man. Congratulations on your new arrival!

It may be that, because you are such a lovely, caring guy, obviously (from what you write) thoughtful and generous, your young lady was afraid/embarrassed to confess the debt in case she lost your affection. It sounds daft, but these things DO go through the mysterious minds of us ladies sometimes... In some instances, a man can be SO right for a woman that she is terrified of appearing anything less than perfect in case he dumps her.

Why not say to your lady something along the lines of "New baby, new break" and offer to sit down and help her plan her debt repayments (N.B. this doesn't necessarily imply that you take responsibility for paying them!). A clean break can only be achieved if she is completely honest with you about what she owes and to whom. And - even if it seems obvious to you - reassure her that you love her and want to help, not use her previous troubles to goad and nag at her. It might also be worth saying to her what you have said in one of your posts - it is the mistrust and lack of openness which have hurt you most and not the amount of money. She may not have had the benefit of the lessons in financial practicality as others have.

If she is able to be completely honest and open with you then perhaps you could use your wisdom and experience to help her with managing her debt and budget - it may even draw you closer together as a new young family, planning a future.

Whatever happens, I wish you lots of luck and hope you go on to have a long and happy life with your girlfriend and child. xxx

RuthnJasper

ironman1 wrote: »

Well as I shouted about it, yeah I have a bad temper at times, she is calling me all the names under the sun even thought I just aid her debt off. She is still looking for people to blame which shows to me she still has a major 'problem' and her attitude since I found out actually leads me to believe she'd happily take out another loan, afterall I would have to pay it wouldn't I. She isn't earning and I wouldn't send her or/and my son packing.

I am just devastated but very angry and just feel terrible altogether

Do bear in mind, though, that as a new mum/mum-to-be, her hormones will be ALL over the place and she might be more prone to shouting/getting weepy at the moment. That isn't an excuse, but just a pointer as to why she might be a feeling bit touchy just now...

Spring_Time

ironman1 wrote: »

Well as I shouted about it, yeah I have a bad temper at times, she is calling me all the names under the sun even thought I just aid her debt off. She is still looking for people to blame which shows to me she still has a major 'problem' and her attitude since I found out actually leads me to believe she'd happily take out another loan, afterall I would have to pay it wouldn't I. She isn't earning and I wouldn't send her or/and my son packing.

I am just devastated but very angry and just feel terrible altogether

She is in the wrong and she knows she is in the wrong which may be why she is being attacking back to you. Attack being the best form of defence? The stress of keeping this from you would of been hanging over her as well as just having had a baby, it can make for a volatile cocktail I do feel for you, finding out such a thing can really pull the rug from under you. Though as another poster said, this could be your chance for you two to have a new start, all cards on the table. The thing is, if you wade in with anger, she won't give you anything but harsh words back as she may feel she has to fight you rather then fight the problems with you.

I do wish you both the best of luck.