Just found out partner owes...

ironman1

I'm not perfect. I can start arguements over nothing and can say horrible things. But I at least do my best to give this girl a decent life. We are engaged and I love her but I feel as if we'd be better apart. She must think i'm a complete mug. She constantly lies. I even said before our boy was born 'if you still have that debt please be honest, I won't argue I just need to know'.

She insisted she had no more debt. Even when she was on the phone to the debt people earlier to pay it off in full (out of money i'd saved) she was still lying, telling me it was only £1000 she owed.

I felt so happy recently when she gave birth to my beautiful son, I was grateful and felt on top of the world. Now I just feel terrible.

I'm lucky I had saved £5000 but that isn't much considering we are now on one wage and i'm self employed so if I even got an injury how could i pay the bills if I am out of work? Now I have hardly anything left and it will take me two and a half months odd of 7am-5pm building work to even earn the money back I paid for her debt.

I just feel down at the moment. Talk about emotions running wild.

CH27

ironman1 wrote: »

I'm not perfect. I can start arguements over nothing and can say horrible things. But I at least do my best to give this girl a decent life. We are engaged and I love her but I feel as if we'd be better apart. She must think i'm a complete mug. She constantly lies. I even said before our boy was born 'if you still have that debt please be honest, I won't argue I just need to know'.

She insisted she had no more debt. Even when she was on the phone to the debt people earlier to pay it off in full (out of money i'd saved) she was still lying, telling me it was only £1000 she owed.

I felt so happy recently when she gave birth to my beautiful son, I was grateful and felt on top of the world. Now I just feel terrible.

I'm lucky I had saved £5000 but that isn't much considering we are now on one wage and i'm self employed so if I even got an injury how could i pay the bills if I am out of work? Now I have hardly anything left and it will take me two and a half months odd of 7am-5pm building work to even earn the money back I paid for her debt.

I just feel down at the moment. Talk about emotions running wild.

Don't make any hasty decisions.
I understand how you feel but you need to find out why she has done it.

RuthnJasper

CH27 wrote: »

Don't make any hasty decisions.
I understand how you feel but you need to find out why she has done it.

CH27 is right, Ironman. Just because this problem has reached a flashpoint, it doesn't mean that your girlfriend loves or respects you any the less.

Just look at her past spending in the same way as your new baby's dirty nappy. Yes - it's a mess and it's d*mned nasty. But with a few gentle, loving, tender wipes and a brand new - fresh from the packet - start, all could be fragrant again...

elaine12022

My OH struggles to admit to overspending too. I too am trying to get things under control for the two of us, and it is hard, I am still trying to work things out and we've been married 2 years! What I do know is that it is not out of maliciousness that I have been lied to. For my OH I think it's a mixture of shame & pride.

I have also realised that there's only so much I can do, or like you it really drags me down.. I took out a credit card in my name for my OH to pay off a previous debt - which he did, I recently let him use it to pay for something & lo & behold, other things have got added on - I have decided that it is important that he pays it off himself like before. He understands money things in theory but in practice it goes out the window!

Does your girlfriend lie about other things or just about the money?

barbiedoll

Hi there ironman, I think we can all understand why you are so upset but maybe we should look at this from another angle.

What is your gf spending this money on? Why does she need loans and what sort of loan is it, bank loan, payday loan etc? Is she bored/depressed because she is stuck home all day with a young baby whilst you are working all the hours to pay the bills? I'm not saying that she has any excuse for her behaviour but if you can work out the reason behind it, you can start to sort this out properly. By just simply paying off her outstanding debts, you are encouraging her to carry on spending money that she (and you) don't have.

As you have paid this debt for her, make sure that she pays you back. Ok, so she isn't working but she must have money from you for the housekeeping, stuff for the baby and so on. Tell her that the savings need to be replenished, in case your work dries up or you have a sudden emergency bill. Make it clear to her that she will have to make sacrifices and will have to go without new clothes, magazines, make-up or whatever she is spending this money on.

If I were you, I would close the joint account and open another in your name only, for the bills. (Keep your own current account and let her keep hers, if she has one) If she is borrowing money then sooner or later, she will end up not paying it back on time and you will end up with your credit rating ruined too. As she is only receiving Maternity pay, tell her that her money is for stuff for the baby, (milk, nappies, clothes and so on) and you will pay everything else. If her money runs out, she will have to go without. Do not let her have access to your money, if she needs anything else, she will have to ask for it. I don't like the idea of one partner having to ask the other for money but she needs to realise that she cannot spend what she doesn't have.

Having said all of this, you really need to sit down and talk (not shout!) to her and try to get to the bottom of this. Has she always been a big spender, is she high-maintenance? Is she spending money to keep up with her friends, has she spent lots of money on new stuff for the baby? She must be buying something with the money, especially if she is getting a large lump sum from a loan. Is she just not happy seeing her bank balance so low, now that she is not working? You can both work through this, but shouting at her and her getting all defensive, is helping neither of you. It's not worth splitting up over, lots of people on here have been in a similar situation, but you both need to sit down and get this sorted. Writing up a budget is a good idea, she needs to know where the money goes. You need to work together as a team, especially now that you have a child to pay for too! Don't just tell her what you think, ask her for input too, you need to find out what is important to her, clearly she feels that she needs this money for something, you need to find out what, and how you can budget for it.

Good luck, take a deep breath and make a plan on how you're going to tackle this. Let us know how you get on.

ironman1

Good suggestions. The joint account we have starts on £1 every month, we both top it up with our wages to make sure bills are covered. Neither of us have ever withdrawn from this account.

As for spending because she is at home with the baby all day, he was only born a couple of weeks ago! This debt started in 2007. She is very hard to talk to and even now is saying how i'm a bully and comes out with childish things like 'oh I wont get the baby this or that as we can't afford it'. Its worrying how she isn't even ashamed/guilty, if she is she is a great actress.

The best point was about the paying it back in one hit making it easy for her. I can't make her pay me back as I don't view my money as 'mine'. Basically everything we get from now on will just go on bills with a few quid left for a night out etc

maganan

oh dear I feel for you both. I think its really great that you've been able to clear this debt and that you don't expect her to pay you back. I also hope that you are able to not bring it up in all the normal rows of daily living! whatever your partner is saying I'm certain she does feel bad about it and any shouting and bravado is front for shame and guilt. If this wasn't the case she would'nt have had to tell you over the 'phone, imagine having that eating away at you for the entire pregnancy and early days of your babies life (congrats!) imagine worrying what the postman would bring on the days you were off when the baby was first born. I'm sure you've both benefitted from the money, maybe she felt she needed to spend too when you were taking her away etc. It sounds like you love her alot, but be careful not to put her on a pedastol, its a long way to fall from that height, she's human and flawed in all the wonderful ways we all are and I'm sure some of those flaws are part of the reason you love her!

Over the weekend try and have a calm, no blame (I imagine she's doing enough of that herself especially as she's also coming to terms with a new role too!) conversation not about how the debt occured although I'm sure that will come out, but the important part is what will happen from now, how you will move on as a family and make sure you both remain financially in control.

Try to remember that although you've both become parents and had your whole world turned upside down for the better her day to day identity has also changed so now is probably not the time to pursue the secrecy etc. I'm not condoning the dishonesty in any way but try and remember men and women think differently.

Good luck and I'm sure with love, kindness and conversation you'll get through this x

sp1987

There is no way on earth I would have paid this debt off for her. She clearly does not have the capability to understand debt and consequences as yet so having to face the music herself and make an effort to pay it off may have helped.

To be honest, you made a rod for your own back paying it off. What is to stop her doing it again if you are just going to bail her out? You sound like her dad, and I appreciate you are just trying to be nice and do the caring thing. I fear it will just enable her to get another one knowing someone else will sort out her problems for her.

Plus, I worry about the mindset of someone who wants someone else to bail them out of their problems. I cannot see why she would not want to get this sorted herself, or offer to pay you back the money you have used to pay off the loan. Engaged or not, it was not your debt and my pride would get in the way of leaving that unrepaid, or at least making a concerted effort to do so.

It seems like you have a temper problem (if you shout) and she cannot manage money. At least that gives you both something to work towards sorting out.

canidothis

as harsh as it sounds I agree with sp1987 - Ive just posted a new thread cos Ive found out the extent of my Oh business debt - but in the past he has been helped out by his parents and I really feel if they had turned round years ago and said 'sort yourself out' we wouldnt be in the position we are now. If at all you can I would backtrack and ask her to repay your savings - people need to learn how to manage their money and also understand the fallout if they are unable to manage their money -Some months ago my eldest daughter rang with money problems but we are not and were not in the position to help her, so she went and helped herself - she visited CAB, wrote a budget and worked out way out of things - all at the age of 19...it will help her no end for the future...and this is something that maybe your Gf should consider -

elaine12022

if talking is hard - a very powerful thing is to sit facing each other and breathe through your hearts together (in silence) for a few minutes, may help you both feel calmer & closer, & thus able to work together.